A cure for the blues
For reasons I won’t go into just now, I spent a large part of yesterday sexually aroused. Although I only got a semi a couple of times in the morning, my cock was up and down more times than a hookers knickers in the afternoon. (Just so no one gets excited on my behalf, rest assured this has absolutely nothing to do with sex with my Wife.)
Again for reasons I’m not going to cover at the moment, I didn’t have a wank yesterday, the result being quite a severe case of blue balls.
Now I know a lot of people don’t believe in blue balls, and even the medical profession (who refer to it as epididymal hypertension) seem to have given it relatively little thought, but I can categorically assure you it’s a very real condition.
I can be certain about this because my balls fucking hurt!
And considering it’s far from the first time I’ve experienced this in the same sort of circumstances, as far as I’m concerned there is compelling empirical evidence for its validity.
There are days when I’m just constantly thinking about sex. You know the sort of days, Dear Reader. Of course you do! When you’re too horny to concentrate on work, no matter what you do your mind keeps drifting back to lascivious thoughts, and you struggle to keep your hands out of your pants … or someone else’s. Most times when I have such a day, I’ll have a wank and normal service is resumed. But occasionally it can be difficult to find the opportunity to give my dick a fruitful rub. And on such days I can pretty much guarantee I’ll be hit by blue balls.
As I was yesterday.
For those of you who’ve never been so afflicted, be that because you’re unfortunate enough to be bereft of testicles (no offense), or just plane fortunate, for me, the sensation is best described as a sharp ache in my nuts and/or prostate. A little like having been kicked hard in the crotch, except not such a sharp transient pain, but one the seeps through much if your lower trunk. It can range from mild to severe and yesterday it hurt a lot. The pain all but stopped me standing up. And inspired by an online conversation, I actually looked up the condition.
It turns out that whilst little medical research has been done on the condition, and no one really knows precisely what causes it, there is some consensus. It’s known to be the result of prolonged sexual arousal without orgasm, but the pain could be due to a surfeit of sperm, ejaculatory fluid (from the prostate) and/or blood in and around the genitals and prostate. The upside is that it ain’t gonna cause any harm, and will eventually subside. But that’s small comfort in the face of extreme discomfort.
Considering the pain can be a result of a build up of excessive sperm or prostate fluid, I guess it’s not surprising that I suffer from blue balls. I’ve mentioned before that not only have I been diagnosed with an enlarged prostate and testicular varicoceles, but a couple of my more intimate bedfellows have also told me I’m a heavy cummer. So it seems perfectly reasonable that whilst a part of my brain is busy telling me I want to fuck, another is busy telling my prostate to produce more jizz than my balls can comfortably manage for a protracted period. QED.
OK, so that’s what it is, but more importantly, how to deal with it, and there seem to be several recommended therapies.
Top of most remedial lists was simply cumming. Though I have an issue with this. When blighted as severely as I was yesterday, having a shag is about the last thing I’m in the mood for. The idea of even having a wank is just as bad, as my crown jewels get just too damn sore to go near them, let alone have a good thrash. To be honest, yesterday it was so uncomfortable I’m not sure I could have managed to get an erection.
Second suggestion was just to bite the bullet and wait it out. This has usually been my preferred option. Along with taking some pain killers.
Another suggestion I saw was to massage your bollocks. To which I say … well … bollocks to that! Did I fail to mention they hurt? Massage? Err… no! Leave them alone!!!
Finally was an interesting suggestion: lift something heavy. The advice is that increasing abdominal pressure will help force the blockage to clear, and I can confirm that tensing my abs certainly did provide some momentary relief. I just cant figure out how heavy an object I need to pick up without rupturing something else.
If you want my advice, Dear Reader, I’d suggest not getting into the situation in the first place. If you don’t have a willing assistant who’s prepared to provide some relief (and for for your own sake don’t try and use blue balls as a bargaining chip to get laid – that just makes you look like a fuckwit) go and have a wank before it all gets too much.
Remember people, cumming is good for you!