What do I know?

I was wrong.
Very wrong.
Despite what I thought would happen, I was so very very wrong.

There was no sexy underwear to issue in 2014.
There was no sex.

Unlike the last few years, we went out for New Year’s Eve.
Unlike the last few years, we spent the evening in a pub with friends.
Unlike the last few years, I thought we had fun. Admittedly, having got quite drunk (though well behaved, and seeing as I can remember pretty much all of it, pretty coherent) I seemed to be having more fun than my two small glasses of wine Wife.
Unlike the last few years we then set off for home and had a massive row.

What over?

Well, we walked back to the station and it was all lovely.
Being drunk, I had the ??? insert emotion here ??? to tell my Wife I liked the fact that we’d spent time together.
When we got to the station, I went to sit on a wet bench, with the intention of Her sitting on my dry knee, and having a hug.
I was criticised for being too drunk and sitting on a wet bench.
My moment of romance was stolen from me. And I sulked.
I sulked big time.
When we got to our home station I just walked away from Her. She’s a grown up, I thought, and perfectly capable of getting herself home.
And when She did, we had a massive row.

She blamed the fact that this was how I get when I get so drunk. (Which, for the record, I haven’t done in a very long time.)
I blamed the fact that She couldn’t open herself up to a selfless act or a little intimacy.
And we just threw a whole load of accusations and crap at each other.

She eventually went to bed, and I went to sleep on the sofa.

At something like 5am I woke up cold and uncomfortable and went to bed. She either didn’t wake, or chose to ignore me. Which was fine by me.

Around 8am She went out to run a necessary errand, leaving me asleep. Except I wasn’t.
And here I am licking my wounds and feeling bitter.

I was wrong in my prediction, so very wrong, but was I wrong about anything else?
As I put it to my Wife last night, maybe I was just being a bit more honest than usual.
Perhaps I was.
Perhaps we were just both trying to score points.
Perhaps I was, as She said, too drunk.
Perhaps I was wrong.
Perhaps not.

12 Responses to “What do I know?”

  1. Oh AM, I was so hoping you would have a ‘happy’ NYE.
    Maybe out of all the things that were said some good will come, perhaps discussion about the evening could lead to a meaningful conversation where you both say what you feel/need/want.
    Be brave, initiate that discussion, it is a new year and maybe this could be your ‘new start’. Good luck…

  2. Dearest A.M.,
    I’m so Very Sorry to hear that what you had anticipated went in the opposite direction. Sending you Big Hugs.
    Your Friend,
    Anastasia

  3. So sorry to hear this. I hope the rest of 2014 sees better things.

  4. Reading but no words to offer you :( Cold comfort, I know.

  5. Some communication is always better than none at all. You are right in saying you’re both smarting too much to discuss it again right away. Sometimes, writing things into a letter helps get the things out that one needs without getting offensive, helps to be more objective, focusing more on what you feel than on “attacking” (or what the other construes as attacking), meaning it sometimes helps preventing to go into a full blown fight again.
    But really, the question that keeps coming back to my mind is : why did you give up therapy? Because finding all sorts of excuses as to why it is not the right time, too difficult to find the time and so on, is often a disguised way of meaning : I am not really into working at this marriage thing. At least, this is my own experience. What I’m trying to say basically is this : I don’t doubt it is inconvenient to work your schedules around therapy. But you both have to think about what is most important to you both right now : therapy to keep going together, or the risk of getting too absorbed in every day life to find a way back into each other’s lives. I sincerely hope all goes for the best. You know I do.
    Big hug.

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