Pissing – so you think it’s easy?

Boys and girls, I need some help from you with this one.

Some years back I saw a stand-up routine by Jo Brand in which she discussed the merits of male and female equipment for urinating. Inevitably the usual comments were made about men’s ability to write their name in the snow with their piss, but that they couldn’t hit a toilet bowl if they tried. In contrast, she compared women’s pissing abilities to that of a garden sprinkler.

(Jo’s not one for delicacy and subtlety in her humour.)

Some years later, doubtless having just missed the bowl, I found myself analysing the problem.

Yes, as men, we do have the ability to point a our penises in pretty much any direction we like. As long as we’re moderately well endowed, and the weather’s not too cold, we can even have a go a pissing backwards. And most of the time we can do so with a reasonable degree of accuracy. But whilst I can only speak for myself, I find that hitting my mark isn’t quite as easy as it would first seem.

Now this is where I need some help from the boys in the audience. It would be useful to know I am not alone with the following:

Thankfully I am not circumcised, though it took me a couple of decades to realise the merits of pulling back my foreskin when taking a leak. Prior to this I had always spent-a-penny with my cock naturally hooded which, it transpired, greatly impedes your aim, turning a neat jet into a sightly random spray. (Having reached the age where I had to clean my own bathroom, this was a very useful lesson to have learned.) But even unsheathed, not infrequently I find my initial aim is not where I expect. I dare say if I did a little research into the fluid dynamics of nozzles I would understand the mechanics a little better, but suffice to say whilst I may aim at 12 o’clock, the stream of urine may leave my urethra at anything between 10:30 and 1:30. This is easily corrected with a quick re-aim, but it may be too late to hope of hitting a bullseye. Secondly, on occasions, as the pressure from my bladder varies, I may find myself expressing two jets of wee, and not in the same direction. Obviously this presents the dilemma of which should be aimed at the bowl, and which should be aimed at the wall, seat, floor, or shoes. And finally there’s The Dribble. As we men progress through middle age, our prostate glands start to rear the dysfunctional heads and can inhibit the speed at which we can turn the tap on and off, thus leading to the arc of golden liquid heading inexorably towards the edge of the WC.

So when the girls complain about our aim, they should perhaps consider the issue a little more closely. And here is where I have a couple of suggested experiments for the girls:

The first is easy, and just involves playing around with a garden hose, altering the pressure from the tap/faucet and varying the aperture of the hose, either with an adjustabe spray nozzle, or by squeezing the end of the hose. I’m confident this will illustrate the problem above.

But if you’re still in doubt, you should try the second experiment, although it is a little more involved, as it requires an assistant. A male assistant. And an open minded one at that. Probably one with whom you are well acquainted, and almost certainly one who’s up for a laugh. Go to the bathroom with your assistant the next time he needs to relieve his bladder, get him to stand in front of the toilet and close his eyes. Then unbutton his flies, take out his dick for him, point it in what you think will probably be the right direction, and tell him to start pissing. When he’s fully evacuated his bladder, get out a bucket and mop, and launder his trousers for him.