Failure

Forgive me Reader, for I have wanked. It has been 7 days since my last ejaculation.

Having had regular, good sex for something over approaching a month, it had to come to an end sooner or later. The regular, and the good.

The last week we’ve both been quite tired or out independantly for social occasions so one of us has usually been asleep before the other made it to bed. So no sex. Not a big deal.

We tried this morning. Saturday. But Her shoulders were aching. She thinks She’s got a cold starting. She had Her contraceptive implant changed earlier this week, so Her arm is bruised and I dare say Her hormones are all over the place. And She was getting cold and ticklish. I’m sure there must have been at least ten more reasons. Maybe the infamous headache. Sorry. I’m being unkind now. But you know where this is going. We didn’t get anywhere.

Foreplay wasn’t getting anywhere for Her, the result being I was loosing interest too. Eventually we just cuddled up for a while. And then I got out of bed and had a wank in the shower.

I don’t know if I just wanted release? Wanted a chemical high? Wanted to take my revenge. If She wants to try again tonight and can’t make me cum, did I just want to be able to tell Her it wasn’t going to work because I’d had a wank this morning. (Long gone is my youth and the ability, or even inclination to cum 7 or 8 times in one night.) We’ve never really talked about masturbation so did I want to disappoint Her? Was it the wank or the idea of having the wank that seemed to fit just like a fist?

I don’t know.

I had a wank in the shower.
It took less than a minute.
It was “successful”.
I got dressed and made myself breakfast.
I penned this blog entry.
I feel crap.
Empty.
Grumpy.
I don’t want to take it out on Her or our kid. But I probably will. Not in a big way I hasten to add. I’ll probably just be grumpy with them all day. I don’t want to. Or maybe I do. I don’t want to want to. Fuck! FUCK! FUCK!!!!!!!!

4 Responses to “Failure”

  1. Don’t beat yourself up so. You held out for a whole week. You tried this morning. You were intimate. You had a hug. It ended on good terms. Its only a setback, more of a pause, not a disaster. Its not like you went and did the au pair instead!
    Tonight will be better. You will manage it and last much longer than the 30 seconds you’d have made this morning. If its not tonight, tomorrow. Or soon. Not ‘never’.
    Be nice to all. It may be this afternoon:-)

    • Yeah, i know there’s no ying without yang. And the glass cannot be half empty unless it is also half full. Ups and downs are inevitable and perfectly normal in relationships, but sometimes you just have to say bollocks to all the positive crap and have a good old fashioned sulk. It’s good for the sole you know.

  2. Gillian Colbert Says:

    I personally have never understood why sex with your chosen partner and masturbation are mutually exclusive. If I don’t get the sex, I will definitely masturbate. If she tries tonight, maybe it should just be about sexual intimacy together and less about ejaculation.

    Bridges aren’t built overnight or in one month. Try not to be so hard on yourself. The fact that you are investing in your relationship when so many just give up is commendable and I admire you for it.

    • I think I probably agree with you about exclusivity. I think I’d rather it were the case as it would mean we always got all of what we need. And now that I’ve got a large GnT I am realistic about prospects. I am an impatient, idealistic fool and a dreamer. And at the moment I’m more than happy to go without ejaculation: especially in the unprecedented context of her current appetite when we do have sex – I’m far more interested in her getting off.

      As for being hard on myself, I’ve had more practice at that than I have at masturbating.

      But support is appreciated from all quarters.

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