Abandon hope all ye who enter

We went to bed early.
She made it plain, before we left the sofa, and in as veiled a way as we ever manage, that we were going to have sex. I didn’t plan it but I didn’t join in the initial contact. We needed to talk. I needed us to talk. We needed us to talk. We talked. I asked why it doesn’t work. We talked for (looking at the clock now) what must have been an hour. Or more. There were hints, nothing direct, that we both blame each other of the situation. I think we both feel we are the one on the receiving end of a hard time. This is probably where this epistle gets one sided. She feels I want more than Her, that I want sex to be easy, that there’s nothing wrong with with me wanting it to be easy. She wants it to be easy. She feels I want more than Her? More than Her? She wants it to not matter if we fail, as long as we try. She wants it to be more about love than sex. She feels I want more than Her? She wants it to be good to try when the mood takes us. She’s too tired in the morning. She’s too tired in the evening. She “doesn’t want sex that often”. Doesn’t want sex that often. Doesn’t want sex that often. Ringing in my ears. Doesn’t want sex that often. I want to not feel rejected. I want to not feel like I’m putting pressure on Her. Doesn’t want sex that often. I want to feel wanted. I want to not feel like the bad guy. I want to feel Her love isn’t conditional. I want Her to stop talking. I want Her to stop trying to fix what She can’t fix. I want to be alone.

21 Responses to “Abandon hope all ye who enter”

  1. Oh dear. The can of worms weren’t good by the sounds of it…

  2. At least you’ve aired your feelings. It may be that now you both know, you can both compromise? (hug) I hate the ‘after the talk’ feeling, i feel for you xx

  3. Gillian Colbert Says:

    Please don’t give up yet. You made a major step just by airing your feelings. Sometimes, things need to marinate a bit. I realize you must be hurting, I’m so sorry ….

    • Gillian Colbert Says:

      P.S. My post tomorrow is for you.

    • Step number 2 is round the corner. I’ve always shied away from the idea of counselling, but short of resigning myself to the black void that has just appeared, or walking away, or something equally catastrophic, I see no alternative. I can’t think of another way of explaining to Her that She just killed me, and She just killed us, except with someone else asking the questions and not having to be nice to her when she comes out with crap. I can’t fix this.

  4. Our situations are really similar. I am always trying to talk about it to my husband (who thinks I’m an obsessed nymphomaniac) because I’m afraid if I say nothing, my sex-life is just going to keep on passing me by. I can talk until I’m blue in the face, nothing changes. I agree with you, compromise is the end of hope. I’m sorry. I know how much it hurts. Keep your chin up.

    • One difference – I’m not usually trying to talk to Her. Too much chane of it all going tits up. Ironic really.

    • I had the higher sex drive with my ex husband. I did all I could to make it work, but it didn’t. (Did you notice the “ex” in that husband bit?)

      Sexual compatibility either comes naturally or it has to be learned. Incompatibility can kill a soul, in my opinion.

      I feel for you both. And AM, counseling isn’t an admission of anything other than you’re in too deep and don’t know how to get back to shore on your own. You might be surprised by what a counselor can do for you.

      And like Gillian says, if you do get a therapist, make sure it’s someone you both feel comfortable with. Interview him/her, make a list of questions to ask on the phone, get referrals from friends. If you ever feel like he/she is taking sides bring it up. A bad therapist will triangulate with their clients and get embroiled in the issues rather than staying objective. A good one will help shine a light on your life and be reliable and safe.

  5. Gillian Colbert Says:

    I’ve undergone counseling before. It is like life, you will only get out of it what you put into it. For me, I believe it was the only thing that kept the barrel of my .38 out of my mouth at that particular stage of my life.

    If you go that route, make sure you find a counselor you’re comfortable with, it’s key. Don’t be afraid to switch if you discover areas where your philosophies clash.

    And, yes, a third-party can make things much more palatable.

  6. I feel sorry for you. Counseling sounds like a good thing to do for you, but it’s hard to really find good ones out there who really can get you to the points which matter.

    • Kind of difficult to get recommendations though. But hey, what’s to loose?
      Oh yeah, a decade of emotional investment, and kid growing up with two happy parents and every penny of my financial security. (Maybe I should try to see the positive side.)

  7. ‘I want to not feel like I’m putting pressure on Her’ Its such a fine line isn’t it to wanting someone sexually and yet not wanting them too much to the point of makeing them feel pressurized…
    It is a sad post – but I hope the humor I saw in your string of words wasn’t just my sick humor…

  8. My sick humor than… : (

    • Just re-read the post incase there was intended humour I’d forgotten amidst my incandescence. I’m afraid there was none.
      Ah the joys of the ambiguity of he “printed” word. I wonder if Chomsky has the same problem?

  9. Just re-read the post myself – to see how sick I really was ; )
    You’re right its not a happy post by all means – I think it was the
    ‘Doesn’t want sex that often ‘ which kept coming round and around. I didn’t laugh out loud – but there was a slight wry curl on my lips at those repeating lines… Maybe an acknowledgement on my part of how futile things can sometimes be…I think I’m one of those people who exist ok during bad times because ‘you just gotta laugh…” even if it isn’t really funny!
    (or I’ve just got a really sick sense of humor!) ; )

    • That was the phrase that just kept ringing in my ears. That kept going through my head. That tore me apart. That robed me of hope.
      There have been sunnier days since, though I am not renowned for having a glass that is half full.

  10. I’m glad things have been better since…

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