Fuck you, Frued!

The other evening I went out for a drink with a friend. He’s not long out of a long term relationship, and mine is … well if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know my relationship needs some work. We didn’t talk about our respective partners / ex-partners, and stumbled across a poetry night in a pub, and had a really good time. When I eventually I got home, I was in a pretty good mood and pleasantly tipsy. Unusually for when I get home from the pub, my Wife was still awake. I was feeling chatty, and enthused about the poetry night. And somehow, relaxed chat turned into a conversation about Our counselling. Our next session was in two days time.

Long story short, We both seemed to be a little more optimistic about Us. I’m still cautious about assuming We’re making any progress, but I can see the possibility of progress. Anyway, We went to bed at the same time as each other (which although it is not rare, it’s not the norm either) and We ended up having a cuddle in bed. Nothing more. No snogging. No petting. And no sex. Just a cuddle.
It was ok.
Somehow, in my messed up head, I had to go through a process of consciously deciding it was ok, But it was ok.

Other than a perfunctory morning goodbye kiss as She leaves for work, this is the first intimacy We’ve had in … [AM pauses to think] … about 2 1/2 months.

I fell asleep with my arm around Her and Her head on my chest. And when She eventually woke me as She turned over and rolled away from my arm, I was just a little bit disappointed.

The next night, for no good reason, things were back to normal and we slept on opposite sides of the bed. We didn’t even kiss before we turned face away from each other.

This week we had our second session with the marriage counsellor.
It wasn’t a particularly difficult session. But it wasn’t a particularly easy one either. There were a couple of issues I struggled to articulate well, like the fact that I have never been able to tell Her to Her face that something She’s doing irritates me (She should notice I’m irritated and then examine why that might be – it’s what I do) and I’m not sure how it felt to get those things out. Not good, that’s for sure.

One thing that is part of my perspective on our situation, is the constant battle for superiority / authority / supremacy / control / etc within our relationship. And we have now talked about it a little. Our councillor refers to it as stubbornness. I think that’s over simplifying things, but I take his point. There have been a couple of moments when he’s referenced our backgrounds, the environments we grew up in, our parents relationships, which all felt nauseatingly and predictably Freudian (he has Freud, Jung and “NLP for Dummies” on his book shelf) … tell me about your childhood … fuck off!!! … but I kind of see his point. But for me (and this probably says a lot about my need for supremacy) I almost felt that my Wife was acknowledging that I was right, and that some of the problems originated with her behaviour. Hurrah! Oh, hang on. This isn’t about me winning, is it. Ok. I get that. But in my defence (as I see it), so many of my over reactions are a very much reactions. And a reaction is inherently a response to an action. Take away my Wife’s negative actions, and my negative reactions disappear as well. QED. “Now, Freud, when you’ve shoved that up your arse, can we get back to my neuroses … Where were we?”

Anyway, our time was up, and as we drove away, my Wife commented that She didn’t know how easy She’d find it to talk to John about our sex life. (We have resolutely avoided mentioning our lamentable sex life to him, so far.) Although She did feel that maybe our other issues were tied closely to our sexual difficulties. And if we could sort out the former, the latter would fall into place. I guess there is a degree to which that might have some validity, but I do think She, if not We, have some major sexual issues to overcome before We can both have a truly satisfying sex life. And I do think that we are going to need outside help with these, just as much as the less physical problems in our relationship.

Hey. I feel as though I’m rambling. Maybe it’s that this post has been a week in the sub-ing. Maybe it’s the third large Sloe Gin kicking in tonight. Maybe it’s that She’s away on business over night, and I’m somehow at a loss. Maybe … maybe … maybe … Maybe I don’t even know how to wrap this post up.
Good night.

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