And now she knows Pt2

I don’t know how many sessions we’ve had with the marriage counsellor. You can probably work it out for yourself: nearly one a week since I first mentioned it. At least one or two blog posts nearly saw me ranting to you all how I (and probably we) had walked away from the sessions feeling battered and bruised. Today is no different. But …

today we opened some wounds. Today She heard some home truths – more bluntly than I would have chosen. Today She maybe learnt a little of how much it “kills me” that She won’t allow me to give. How much Her need to be in control destroys my will to make an effort. How much of this might actually be HER fault. And if it weren’t for the fact I could see the clock ticking perilously close to your time is up and I didn’t want to leave the session hanging on the topic of sex (perhaps that was my folly) there were a couple of moments when i damn nearly brought up precisely why I stopped trying to initiate sex nearly a decade ago.

As we walked back to the car She said “Sorry,” and reached for my hand. I moved mine away and pointed out that our 4yr old says sorry a lot. It was a snide comment on my part, but sorry is just a worthless word if it’s all just going to happen again.

She asked how I felt about the conversation we’d just had. I said “Pretty shitty.”

Silence for a couple of minutes.

She said it’s important for me to [… and my thoughts were yeah, it’s important for me. How the fuck about you for a change? But actually I do Her a disservice for a change. …] … for me to understand She was acknowledging She may be at fault. I can’t remember her exact phrase, but I can remember mine: “Heard.” Nothing more. That’s the best I’ve got just now.

She asked how I felt. I told Her. Angry. Angry that it’s taken us to have to have these conversations to get Her to think the problem might not be just me.

And the song that’s stuck in my head is this. Today, I dedicate a song to my Wife.

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