Legally naked

If you don’t listen to BBC Radio 4, you should do. As broadcast media goes, it would be hard to find a more diverse, intelligent and educational radio station. Some people regard it as too high-brow, too establishment, but there is something for almost everyone within it’s schedule. Even occasionally for we pervs.

In the last few months on Radio 4 I have heard programs that included a reading from a fictional work (possibly even poetry, I forget) that linked food and sex (I think there was mention of fruit juice running down tits or something like that), and inevitably a debate about 50 Shades of Grey and whether it was possible to write good erotica. This week I listened to a show called The Philosophers’ Arms, in which philosophical problems are examined with a live audience in a pub; the particular episode looking at Sorieties Paradox. (If you’re unfamiliar with this, or can’t be bothered to follow the link, I shall explain it in a moment. And don’t worry, Dear Reader, I shall be doing so in a pervy context.)

In a round-a-bout way, the program came upon the subject of lapdancing: how to define it legally, in the context of other performance. What is the difference between dancing and lap dancing? One of the show’s guest’s was a governmental lawyer who specialises in helping draft British Law. He explained that the crux of the problem faced by legislators was how to define nudity – if there was nudity envolved in the dance, a sex establishment license was required.

Initially they considered just saying nudity, on the basis that everyone would know what nudity meant. But they were then presented with the problem of a dancer wearing tassles, a thong or a g-string. Sorieties Paradox poses a problem here:
Two grains of sand do not constitute a heap of sand, but two billion grains do. Yet there is no threshold at which adding one more grain of sand creates a heap.
In the case of nudity, obviously if you have no clothes on at all, that counts as nudity, but how much can you take off before you’re nude … or conversly, how much do you need to put on so you’re not? One tassle? A ½ inch wide bikini?

Eventually the lawyers had to come up with arbirary criteria so people would know what legally constituted nudity, dependant upon gender.
For women, legal nudity is defined as the exposure nipples, the pubic area, genitals or anus.
Exposure of breasts without the exposure of nipples is not nudity for the purpose of the definition, so if you’ve got tassles on that’s not nudity, but if the tassles come off that is.

For men it’s a little simpler – nudity is defined as exposure of the pubic area, genitles or anus. No amount of topless men will constitute nudity.

This having been explained, the show’s presenter spotted a loop hole: the legal definition had mentioned nipples – what if there was just one nipple on show? A reasonable question. Sadly the lawyer had an answer for this – in the Interpretation Act there’s a provisioin that says single includes plural and plural includes single. Pity, but there you go.

However, I have spotted another loop hole. Specifically a loop hole when it comes to spotting an asshole. Butt plugs have large bases to stop them getting lost: pop one in and you cant see the anus – just the plug. I’ll prove it:

Ok, you can see her cunt, but you definitely can’t see her anus. Ha ha lawyers! You can take you legal nudity definitions and stick them up your …

4 Responses to “Legally naked”

  1. Awesome loophole, AM! lol Here in the states nudity is a nipple, period. It’s so dumb. Men have nipples, too, so why aren’t they considered nude??

  2. workspousestory Says:

    I love Radio 4, and The Philosophers Arms is one of my favourites 😉 heard the one about memory and personalities?

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