Disposal

For those of you who were excited at the prospect of my purchase of underwear for my Wife for Xmas, here’s a long overdue follow up.

28 days after I bought them, they were still unworn, and because the statutory legal period in which I could return them was about to expire (and because we had another unrelated purchase that needed to be returned to a different shop) I sent my Wife a quick text message to see what She thought I should do with them.

Nothing more than confirmation. No apparent interest in getting a credit note and sorting out an exchange at some point. Ok. Well that seals that then.

So I took the offending articles back to the lingerie shop. And the conversation went something like this …

Me : Hi, I’m afraid I’ve got some underwear I need to bring back.
Sales assistant : Ok. I’m sorry but we only do credit notes or exchange.
Me : Hmmm. Neither of those are really going to be any use to me this side of a divorce or an affair.
Sales assistant : Oh dear. Why’s that?
Me : Because my Wife objects to the sexualisation of women and doesn’t want to be objectified.
Sales assistant : Ah. I see. I’m afraid there’s nothing really I can do – it’s shop policy.
Me : Oh.
Sales assistant : I could give you vouchers?
Me : OK. I suppose they’ll be easier to sell than a credit note.
Sales assistant : I could kind of understand if you’d bought her something slutty from Ann Summers, but these are really pretty and feminine.
Me : I know, but …
Sales assistant : If it’s any consolation there are plenty of women who would have loved these.
Me : Yeah. Like I say … a divorce or affair.
Sales assistant : Hmmm. Could you give the vouchers to an employee? Actually, that might not come accross quite right.
Me : Yeah.
Sales assistant : Oh well. I’m really sorry.

So home, via the newsagent at the end of our road to put a card in their window. It read something like this.

For sale: £85 worth of lingerie vouchers for just £70.
Unwanted gift for unappreciative wife, returned to shop but refunds not available. So I’m stuck with vouchers that are no use to me this side of a divorce or an affair.
To be used at Luxurious Designer Lingerie Emporium, High Street, Townsville. They’ve even got a sale on at the moment.
Call AM on 07555 654 321

That may well have come across as a little bitter, and may have contributed to the fact that I got no replies in two weeks.

So I headed back over to High Street, Townsville, to see if I could find a more local shop that put private advertisements in the window.

A quick walk up and down High Street left me stymied – I could find no such shops. So I went in to Luxurious Designer Lingerie Emporium to see if they knew anywhere appropriate. I was also hoping that if I pointed out that I was trying to sell vouchers for their shop and the circumstances of why I had no choice but to sell them, the shop’s manager might take pity and give me a refund.

Unfortunately she could offer no suggestions, but a fellow shopper, having overheard my predicament, pointed me towards a local newsagent who would put for sale cards in their window. She then suggested I could donate the vouchers to the local hospice. It turned out she worked in their fund raising shop, and such donations were always eagerly accepted.

It was a good idea, but times are hard and the underwear wasn’t exactly cheap. I’d bear it in mind but for now it would be a backup plan.

As she left the shop before me, the other customer wished me luck for the promises of tomorrow as I was obviously a good person. An odd comment, but thankfully one that did not evolve into debate.

The shop manager again apologized for not being able to help, and I left, found the newsagent in question, and paid for my card to occupy their window for two weeks, coming up to Valentine’s Day.

Two weeks later …
… nothing.

Almost as disappointing as the lingerie being unappreciated.

And then the vouchers sat under a pile of papers on my desk for a couple of months. Until I realised it was approaching a different anniversary.

A few years ago, a good friend of mine spent his last few days in the palliative care of the hospice in Townsville. He was a great appreciator of women, and I have no doubt that lacy lingerie was worn, and them removed, on many many occasions for his benefit. All the blocks fall into place, and I will be donating the vouchers to the hospice in his memory.

I hope he would have appreciated the irony, more than my Wife appreciated the gift.