5 stages (or the Norwegian Blue Sex Life)

It recentky struck me that my disposition towards the state of my sex life is very much like the stages one goes through after a death. I had no idea what these were actually supposed to be, other than anger and ultimately acceptance, but this morning, inspired by a comment by Jayne Ayres, I looked them up.

It turns out that the 5 Stages of Grief were proposed by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying. They are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

I certainly went though denial – I can’t be having a bad sex life. It is going to get better.

Then I’m sure I got angry – She’s my Wife. She should want us to have a sex life. It’s Her fault.

And bargaining could easily be seen to be the infamous red torsolette. I buy you something that’s supposed to make You  feel sexy and then You fuck me.

Depression. That’s a strong word, but yes, I guess I’ve been through that too, to some degree.

And then finally acceptance. Yesterday I commented that I’ve given up on sex, or at least sex with another person. (Masturbation doesn’t count in this case.) This was a decision, for want of a better word, that I actually made about 3 months ago, and increasingly I’m OK with that.

No. I’m not OK with that. I’m absolutely fine with that.

Well, maybe not absolutely fine. Of course I’d rather have my sex life back. But I’d rather have my grandparents back too. But they’re all dead, and I’m OK with that. That’s how things are. My sex life contracted a terminal disease some 10 or 15 years  ago. I’ll admit, it didn’t look healthy back then, but it seemed to make some recovery. There were times when it seemed to be in remission, even recovering. But so often, such is the way with degenerative diseases, and so  often, they get you in the end.

As it has been with my married sex life.

I accept it. It’s dead. It ain’t coming back.

Sometimes ghosts visit me in the night, but they are friendly ghosts. Like fond memories. But I know that whilst they are welcome visitors, they bring no promise for tomorrow, no matter what they say.

And yes, I’m OK with that.

For today.

4 Responses to “5 stages (or the Norwegian Blue Sex Life)”

  1. ((HUGS)) I am NOT “liking” this…even though it’s very well-written, as always..

  2. Great that the ubiquitous dead parrot makes an appearance
    Less so the demise of your sex life, I hope there is some hope for you…

  3. goodoldgamera Says:

    Too bad. I occasionally check out your blog to see if you’ve pulled your thumb out and come to your senses. Guess not.

    What you’ve described going through here is NOT like the five stages of grief, and what you’ve settled on is certainly NOT acceptance — it’s continued denial to take responsibility for your problems. In all of your “five steps” above you deny your OWN responsibility for the state of your sex life, and it seems like you’ve spent a lot of time blaming your wife.

    Sex between spouses is a two-way street, and it’s pretty damn unfair for one person to pronounce it “dead” … especially after the other partner has obviously tried to work on the relationship, as you described your wife doing in the last post.

    After all the whining about Her not wearing the underwear you bought, when she finally DOES wear it, you reject her. Do you think she’ll ever pull that one again any time soon? The ball was in YOUR court there.

    Which means now you can’t blame HER in that situation … so you decide that your sex life is just irrevocably dead. Hmmm. That doesn’t make any damn sense, but it does mean you can avoid examining your OWN actions and attitudes to try and make things better.

    You didn’t have anything to do with your grandparents dying (I’m assuming!), but YOU have strangled your sex life out of existence. (How? — I’m thinking resentment and self-loathing, probably… but I couldn’t be certain.)

    In your case, the “acceptance” stage is not coming to peace with an irrevocable loss, but giving up on ever being able to fix a problem. Which is too bad. Because it seems like your wife is at least TRYING to do something to fix it.

    Imagine if you BOTH were working TOGETHER to fix the problem…

    I hope this is rock bottom for you and you start getting your act together, for your wife’s sake, and for your own.

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