(My) If I was a porn star …

(This post is inspired by and dedicated to Panty Parade.)
If I was a porn star …

I’d be known as Average Joe, on account of my average sized dick.

I’d never employ a fluffer or a stunt cock. (If you want a job done properly, do it yourself.)

I’d always insist on another take if I couldn’t deliver the goods.

I’d always have a cum shot in my photo-sets. (They seem to be popular with female porn fans.)

WPcms

I’d fuck bareback, because it looks better, but I’d always feel uneasy about implicitly promoting unsafe sex.

I’d make sure I genuinely loved my work and would never fuck anyone I couldn’t bear to go for a drink with afterwards.

I’d happily go for a drink with my fans, but I’d never fuck them afterwards.

I’d run a production company called Positive Negative. It would be the cleanest porn company in town.

I’d have my own range of underwear (lots of colour, mesh and thongs) and have it widely promoted in high street stores (especially those catering to straight men).

I’d be in movies that challenged men to examine their sexuality, without necessarily challenging their gender preference.

I’d star in documentaries where women used me to show men how to satisfy them.

I’d be the pioneer of rubber fetish movies where the rubber was all about glamour, sensuality and aesthetics, rather than BDSM.

I’d star in the first hard-core porn version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. And it would be properly acted.

I’d mostly work for female directors.

I’d be available to hire for amateurs to direct their own skin flicks.

I’d keep my career as an astrophysicist going. (You never know when you’re going to need something to fall back on.)

I’d hope my family never found out, but for their sakes, not mine.

I’d be proud of my work.

I’d never allow foreign dubs of my films. Over-dubs always sound so fake, especially when it comes to the moans ‘n’ groans!

I’d never star alongside anyone who’d had cosmetic surgery, especially fake tits. Real bodies only!

I’d not go to the gym as often as I should.

I’d be perpetually anxious about looking good on camera and being able to deliver the goods.

I’d pay for permanent laser hair removal.

I’d have a genital piercing, though probably not a PA.

I’d see to it that anyone who wasn’t respectful to everyone on set would never work in the business again.

I’d make sure even the most junior of staff were paid properly.

I’d never set foot on a set with anyone less than 25. (I have nothing against 20-somethings, but I’m over 40 you know!)

I’d always go home to my wife at the end of a hard day’s hard fucking, and I’d fuck her like she was the only woman I ever fucked. (Obviously, Loyal Reader, you know this is all utter fantasy, so I would almost certainly not be married to the woman I am now, but you get the point.)

I’d run for government. (Like Anna Arrowsmith, not Ilona Staller.)

I’d give a percentage of my earnings to charities that worked to combat sexual prejudice, sexual abuse and sexual disease.

I’d be the public face of making porn publicly acceptable.

31 Responses to “(My) If I was a porn star …”

  1. Sounds like you’ve got a plan there…so when can we see your first porn? 😉

  2. Great list, especially the part about keeping your job as an astrophysicist.
    And glad to see you would donate to charity, very philanthropic of you

  3. Yep, well, someone’s got to study dark matter…

  4. No one likes a smart arse…

    Although a well toned arse is another matter

  5. If you were a porn-star, you would be my favorite porn-star.

  6. For helping me to get the Most Enthusiastic Fuck Award, Silly!

  7. You would be an awesome porn star but I don’t think your average joe name would stick… it doesn’t even fit you right now : ) but I can’t think of one…Rex Latex, I have to know more about rubber Slick Rick… you would need an original name, and omg what a picture you added here.

  8. Very imaginative mind !

  9. My Dear A.M.,
    As you can see I’m playing catch up on your blogs…Yes all the way back to July. First I absolutely Love the picture! As mentioned Average Joe I rather doubt your an “average” guy so definitely a different name. I think you list is Fantastic. Question how would you challenge men to examine their sexuality? Could you be more specific? How does Hugh Jardon sound as a stage name?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: