Statistical analysis

Yeah, yeah, I know. Not the sexiest of titles, but bear with me. This post may well change the way you view your colleagues: you are probably working with more pervs than you realised.

When a friend recently pointed me at this video online, I thought I must add a link to it in my blog. Then I forgot about it. A few weeks later, and it’s obviously been doing the rounds as I came across it again on Kate Gilmour’s blog. So thanks to Kate, here it is …

Obviously it’s funny, and it’s raison d’être is to show that we really shouldn’t all be hung up about not having porn star sex lives, because it is unlike the sex that most people are having most of the time.

Which is great.
But there’s another side to this.

You may well have noticed, Loyal Reader, that I am a fan of statistics, or more precisely unpicking the spin that so often goes along with them. I find it difficult to not try to read between the lines when I hear people quoting xx% of people like yy, and that was precisely what I found myself doing as I watched this video.

In case you weren’t taking notes while you watched it, here is a summary:

Porn sex Real sex
Arousal Instant 10-12min
Average penis 6″-9″ 5″-7″
Lots of hair “down there” Almost no one 68% women 85% men
Time for men to ejaculate Hump for days 75% less than 3min
Women cum from penetration Always 71% don’t
Leabian experience 11.5%
Women who’ve tried anal 40%
Let you cum in her face 22%
Swallow 30%
Women in a threesome less than 20%
Female squiting 6% regularly do
Light bondage 40% tried it

Right, lets look at these numbers in a real world context. I have no idea what the average size of office or shop is, but to make the maths easy, lets imagine you work with 10 men and 10 women in your department. At your next team meeting, remember the following and look around the room.

  • It’s a shameful fact that once they’ve stuffed their 5″ dicks into unique looking pussies, 7 or 8 of the guys will be flopping back out in less time than it takes to listen to a pop song.
  • But considering the reputation men have for a lack of interest in foreplay, it’s excellent news that most people are getting at least 10-12 minutes worth. That’s about 4 times more foreplay than fucking.
  • I’m genuinely shocked to learn that only 3 or 4 of the women in your office shave their muffs, but I’m delighted to know at least one, if not two guys are sporting neatly trimmed bushes.
  • Three of your female colleagues are lucky enough to cum from just a good old pounding (though presumably in under 3 minutes).
  • Somewhat surprisingly, there’s probably only one woman present that has toyed with a snatch other than her own. Think about that for a moment and you’ll realise that the salacious whispers about Doreen going down on Mildred in the stationary cupboard are unfounded.
  • The next figure is the most surprising to me: can you tell which 4 women (yes, nearly half of those present) have breached the final taboo and had a cock up their arse?
  • At least 2 of the gals will take a hot load in the face, and three will happily swallow it.
  • One or two of the women round the table have had a threesome. To be fair, there’s a reasonable chance they weren’t spit roasted at the office Xmas party because things like that don’t stay secrets for long.
  • There’s a better than 50/50 chance that one of the women you work with squirts regularly.
  • And finally, as the video wasn’t specific about gender when it came to bondage, you can be reasonably sure that 8 of your co-workers have been tied up and fucked.

Of course, an important factor is you, Dear Pervert. And as you’re reading my blog, there’s a pretty good chance that you’re the nympo in the room and it’s you that swallows, gets buggered, has chowed down on another woman’s muff, shaves your pubes, has had a cock in each hand and soaks the bed when you cum.

But the video is right about one thing. Porn isn’t real. But nor is Star Wars.


A large proportion of what we watch on a screen is carefully choreographed, and why anyone thinks a porn movie is any more representative of what our sex lives should be than Sliding Doors is of dating or Snakes On A Plane of air travel just baffles me. To the extent where I think there is a very important statistic missing:
What proportion of people do think porn is representative of real sex?
I dare say there are plenty of us who’d prefer it if was. After all, I suspect there are as many men who’d like their partner to swallow or take it up the arse as there are women who wish their man had an 8″ dick and could hump for days.

I guess there’s a very thin line between fantasy and aspiration, but if you consider the statistics carefully, after a little anal-ysis (sorry – couldn’t resist) you’ll realise it’s probably a much thinner line that you thought when you went to work yesterday.

12 Responses to “Statistical analysis”

  1. glad I don’t work in an office, though the speculation would be interesting…

  2. Great stats! I’ve cross linked this post to mine, since I also posted the video.

  3. Confessions of Your Husband's Mistress Says:

    Your analysis is better than the video! Hahaha. Now I’ll never be able to go to a staff meeting with a straight face.

  4. I work in an office full of very unnatractive people so I try not to think about them like this at all, but next time I go to church, I’ll be scanning the crowd in a whole new way. I think, though that you got one of your stats wrong. Only 6% of women squirt on a regular basis, that is 6 out of 100, we’ll have to find 44 more squirters to get to a 50/50 chance. 🙂 And look, mom told me that math would come in handy some day.

    • Church? I reckon that’s a skewed sample set: as I understand it the church doesn’t usually approve of people liking sex, especially dirty sex. And we all know the more you hide and repress sexual desires, the kinkier they get, so there will doubtless be some utterly filthy secrets to be unearthed amidst the congregation. Have fun!

      I don’t want to come over as a smart-arse, but my interpretation of the squirting stat is actually correct: there’s 60% chance of one of the women being a squirter, but as that’s 60% of one in 10 in the sample group, so that equates to a 6% chance. Sorry.

    • I’m sure the kink factor at church is much higher than our dear pastor would care to admit, and, based on a couple of comments from his wife, he’d be very surprised at home.

      I still don’t understand your stats. If 6 women out of 100 squirt, then, in a randomly selected sample of 10, only .6 (not 60%) of one woman would squirt. (Maybe she only squirts 60% of the time)

    • Are you suggesting the pastor likes it to get tied up and fucked in the ass or that his wife does?

      You’re right, 6% of 10 is 0.6. But there’s a 60% chance that one woman squirts, not that 6 women do. (I may not be explaining this but I’m pretty sure I’ve got it right.)

  5. Fantastic video. I like your mathematical analogy : )

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