The porn conversation

We had the porn conversation.

Her: So … do you use porn?
Me: Errr …
Her: I’ll take your hesitation as a yes. You do, don’t you?
Me: Errr …sometimes?
Her: Bastard. How often?

Me: Not all the time.
Her: But when you’re wanking?
Me: Yes.
Her: And who are you thinking of when you’re wanking over porn?
Me: Do you mean am I thinking of you, or the women in the porn?
Her: Yes.
Me: Both. Sort of. Neither.
Her: Make up your mind. Who are you thinking of?
Me: Well, I’m getting turned on by the pictures, but I’d rather they were of you.
Her: You want me to be in a porn mag? Is that all you think of me?!
Me: No. No, that’s not what I mean.
Her: So you want to take photos of me naked and wank over them?
Me: Well, err … I wouldn’t object.
Her: That’s demeaning.
Me: No it’s not. It means I find you sexually attractive, I like porn, and I’d rather be jerking off over pictures of my wife than pictures of a stranger. Who I might add, isn’t usually my type.
Her: Not your type. But you’re still turned on by her and still wanking over her.
Me: Well, sort of. I’m turned on by pictures of people having sex. But I’d far rather be fucking you than jerking off on my own.
Her: But you’ve been wanking over porn all the time we haven’t been having sex?
Me: If I hadn’t I’d prbably have been in pain regularly..
Her: So you’ve just spend all your time wanking over porn?
Me: Not all my time.
Her: Well how much time?
Me: You mean how often?
Her: You know what I mean! How often do you wank and how often are you wanking over other women?
Me: I understand you’re upset.
Her: How often do you wank?
Me: Does it matter?
Her: Tell me!
Me: Not so often these days.
Her: What’s not so often?
Me: 2 or 3 times a week.
Her: Bloody hell! Not so often these days?! How often is often then?
Me: It’s relative.
Her: Bullshit! How often? Every day?
Me: I guess.
Her: More than once a day
Me: Sometimes.
Her: More than twice a day?
Me: Occasionally.
Her: What!?
Me: Before I met you. If I felt like it?
Her: Shit!
Me: Look, why is that so bad?
Her: Hang on! How often were you wanking over pictures of other women? 2 or 3 times a day?
Me: Sometimes. But not always?
Her: What are you? Some kind of pervert?
Me: No. I just like sex.
Her: You can say that again! So why the hell haven’t we been having sex if you like it that much? Why are you wanking over other women when we’re not having sex?
Me: Hang on. Firstly I’m not wanking over other women.
Her: You might as well be.
Me: And secondly I wank over pictures of other women precisely because we’ve not been having sex.
Her: Arsehole!
Me: Sorry?
Her: You’d rather wank over other women than have sex with your wife!
Me: Well I’ve rarely had the impression you’re that interested in sex.
Her: This is my fault? Jeez you’re unbelievable.
Me: No, no, no, no, no! Look, can we just stop fighting about this?
Her: Why? You just called me frigid!
Me: No I didn’t. You just don’t seem to be particularly interested in sex. Or not very often. That’s why I gave up and stopped initiating sex. Because you never usually seem to be interested.
Her: Never usually seem to be interested?!
Me: Yes.
Her: So you think I should be more interested?
Me: It would be nice to think you were interested more than 3 or 4 times a year.
Her: Right well I’m interested now.
Me: Sorry?
Her: I’m interested now. I want to see your porn.
Me: Errr …
Her: I want to see your porn and I want to see you wank over it. I want to see you wanking over other women.
Me: Why?
Her: Because that’s what you do. And because you say you’re thinking about me when you’re wanking over them when you should be wanking over me.
Me: Chance would be a fine thing.
Her: What’s that supposed to mean?
Me: It means I’d love to wank over you but I don’t think you’d like it?
Her: That’s disgusting.
Me: Why?
Her: You want to cum on me like you do the women in your porn? Well come on then. Get your dick out and some porn. and wank over it.
Me: No.
Her: What? The other women aren’t good enough for you all of a sudden?
Me: No. Yes. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.
Her: Why aren’t they good enough for you? Because they’re just pictures? Because you’d rather be fucking them for real?
Me: No, they’re not good enough because they’re not you.
Her: Don’t be ridiculous. They’re got better bodies than me, right?
Me: That depends on what you mean by better.
Her: They’ve got bigger breasts, longer legs, firmer bums, and shave off all their pubic hair, don’t they?
Me: Yes they’re all of that. But they’re not you.
Her: So…?
Me: So they’re not you and I’d rather it was you in the pictures.
Her: You want me to spread my legs for you just to wank over? Like the women in the pictures?
Me: Well, not just to wank over. But yes, like the women in the pictures.
Her: Let me see these pictures.
Me: Are you sure?
Her: Show me! I want to see them.
Me: You don’t have to.
Her: No, but I want to. I want to see what turns you on.
Me: If you’re sure.
Her: And I want to see what they look like.
Me: Why is that so important? Me wanking over them isn’t about you.
Her: But I want to see if they’re sexy. They’re sexy, right?
Me: Well, yeah, I wouldn’t get turned on by them if they weren’t sexy.
Her: So why should you be the only one who gets turned on by them? What if I want to get turned on? What if I want to masturbate over porn?
Me: Why would you want to masturbate over porn?
Her: I might! Why not?!
Me: Really?
Her: You get turned on by porn so why shouldn’t I? Show me some porn!
Me: Errr … ok. What sort would you like to see?
Her: What sort do you wank over?
Me: Ummm …
Her: Come on. What’s your favorite porn?
Me: Favorite? I don’t know.
Her: Yes you do. Come on. Show me some porn.
Me: Ok. Do you want to see men or women?
Her: What turns you on? Women? Lipstick lesbians I presume?
Me: No, not really. I prefer straight couples. Amateurs usually. Not porfessional porn stars – they’re not real. But I like seeing couples.
Her: Fucking?
Me: Yes.
Her: Then if that’s your favorite porn, show me straight couples fucking.
Me: I don’t know about favorite. That’s really just in my head … and it’s got you in it.
Her: Well show me some porn. And then we’ll re-enact. You take some pictures of me posing like a whore and then you wank over it. See how you feel when it’s me degrading myself.
Me: It’s not degrading.
Her: You wanking over women you don’t know is degrading. It’s certainly disrespectful to me.
Me: That’s different.
Her: But you want to wank over pictures over me, right?
Me: I guess.
Her: You guess? That’s not very encouraging.
Me: Yes of course I want to wank over pictures of you. Or at least I’d far rather wank over pictures of you than other people. But I’d rather wank over you, and most of all I’d rather fuck you.
Her: Just show me some porn that turns you on, and show me you wanking over it.
Me: Be serious.
Her: I am.
Me: You really want to see me wanking over porn?
Her: Yes. Then you can find me some porn that turns me on, and maybe you can take some pictures of me wanking over that. And then, maybe, if you’re lucky, maybe then you can fuck me.

STOP!!!! No, Dear Reader, we didn’t have this conversation about porn. Of course not! We might be starting to have sex again, even talking about it, but we are so very very far from having this porn conversation. No, we had the other conversation about porn! (NB If this link diesn’t work for a couple of days, please be patient with me while I finish writing the post.)

18 Responses to “The porn conversation”

  1. Oh, that was brilliant! My favourite bit was when She called you a pervert, I laughed so hard a bit of wee leaked out.
    But I knew it wasn’t real because I don’t think your W would ever say Jeez. Or perhaps I’m wrong…

  2. Oh, AM. BTW, that link to the “real” convo goes nowhere. Was that deliberate?

    • The link will go somewhere (unlike the conversation). It will be the next post – I wasn’t sure what would happen if I linked to a draft post.
      I’m afraid you’ll need to be patient for a day or two. 😉

  3. Oh shit, you had me going! I was going to pat you on the back there!

  4. I tried to follow your link to the “other” conversation about porn but nothing was there. Anyhow, I thought this was for real! LOL

    • The link will be working in a day or so. Sorry for the delay. And sorry for misleading you, but it did make me smile to wonder at what point readers would figure out it wasn’t real. (Apparently no one noticed that it was listed in the my Fiction category.)

  5. omg – I was taking cover, waiting for the explosion – thinking Oh noooo. So, you’re a funny guy ; ) xo, Jayne

  6. There were at least 3 occasions in that fictional exchange when you had an opportunity to make her put up and shut up, so I hope that if this conversation ever actually happens you’ll take them.
    I watched a bit of porn with my wife during her libidinous phase, but it didn’t last long. Initially she responded well (ie sexy times!) but it wasn’t long before she reverted to type and started criticizing the ‘actors’. Once you can’t see the wood for the trees there’s no point watching.
    Is it all women, or just our respective wives, who see the women in porn as a direct threat to them? Are we meant to jerk off while staring at a wall* – would they prefer that? Surely THAT would be more disturbing?
    (*oh, that’s right. We’re meant to wait dutifully until they’re ready to have sex. And if they’re not ready it’s our fault)

    • I very much doubt anything like this conversation will ever happen for real, so She’s in no real danger of having to put up. Which is probably for the best.
      If your wife couldn’t see the wood in porn movies, are you sure it was porn you were watching together? Surely there must have been at least one erection?

      In defence of all women, the problem isn’t just seeing the actors as a threat – there’s also the very significant issue of how male-centric the overwhelming majority of porn is. As far as I can tell (and there’s an upcoming post relating to this), even a lot of the porn made by women for women really doesn’t do anything to get away from destructive gender stereotypes within sex (and porn) that have been around for decades. I think most porn does objectify women, at least on some levels, and that is a strong argument against it, if only in it’s conventional form. (Here endeth today’s pro-feminist diatribe.)

    • Works both ways, some women have to wait for their man to want sex, even if said woman is doing her damnedest to seduce him.
      On the subject of porn that doesn’t objectify women X-Art has some beautiful ‘caring’ scenes that I couldn’t see any women objecting to watching (unfortunately the actors are all young and gorgeous which doesn’t help one’s confidence)

    • I’ve looked at x-Art before, and it has some fantastic, arty porn. However these are the front page images that came up when I hit refresh, and they would have the following problems:

      1-2) Two men using a single woman = male dominance and objectification of women.
      3) Two women servicing a single man = subservience and objectification of women.
      4) One man gets to pleasure himself with two women – male superiority / strength and objectification of women.
      5) Two men using three women = see 3+4 above
      3-6) Male oriented lesbian fantasy and objectification of women.
      I can’t say for certain that this would be Her take, but it’s what I’d expect.

  7. Haha! I truly believed that conversation. I thought, Jesus, this guy’s got a good memory. A convincingly awkward exchange, squire!

  8. I see your problem but there are some lovely romantic videos as well that wouldn’t ‘offend’
    Looks like you were diligent in your research…

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