5 reasons to fuck: a response.

Apparently there are 5 Reasons You Should Have Sex With Your Husband Every Night.
I’m quoting directly from the above article, but I shall be interjecting …
Let’s begin.

5 Reasons You Should Have Sex With Your Husband Every Night



I was getting a manicure the first time I learned that not all wives want to, ahem, go for a roll in the hay with their husbands. I was 16 and had picked out orange nail polish (oh, sixteen). I had a book with me but it wasn’t long before I found another source of entertainment. In-between buffings and polishings, the two women next to me talked about how much their husbands wanted IT and how little they wanted to give IT.

For a girl that had not even been asked out on a date this was a whole new world. I had a suspicion that their experience was more realistic than the articles I sneaky read in Cosmo while getting my hair done at the salon. (I am supposed to put my hand WHERE? while simultaneously doing WHAT? [AM: Oh fuck, please yes, put your hand there and simultaneously do that1]) So I kept my eyes on my book, let the words blur into lines and listened closely.

“Doesn’t he know how tired I am by the end of the day? As if after the kids are finally asleep I have the energy to do anything but sit down and watch some TV.”
[AM: As you know Dear Reader, I am tired at the end of the day having done the childcare. And I’d emphasise that it is currently the school holidays so the time dedicated to daily childcare has literally increased three fold. I may not have the energy at the end of the day, but I certainly have the will.]

“For me, it isn’t even the energy it takes. I am still losing weight from the baby. I don’t feel sexy. I can hardly undress in front of a mirror, let alone in front of him. I honestly think it is selfish that he expects me to pretend to feel something that I don’t.”
[AM: In the last 10 years, I have felt an increased need to feel sexy, whilst fighting middle-age-spread. Who feels sexy post parenthood? Really!]

“Selfish? That’s a good word. Maybe if he took care of the kids when he got home or made dinner once in a while I would be more interested. Hell, just pick up the milk on the way home from work. I am not asking for much. Now that I think about it, I don’t think we have done it in the last three weeks.”
[AM: Selfish? I do the majority of the parenting 5 days out of 7. I do make the dinned at least 6 days out of 7. I do pick up the milk … 19 times out of 20 … and all the other shopping. I don’t need to think about the fact that we haven’t done it in more than 8 months.]

“Yeah. It’s been at least two for us.”
[AM: Oh get a fucking grip! 8 fucking months!]

Wait. These women were married…they lived with a guy….who slept in their bed. They could have sex all the time! And they didn’t want to? It made no sense. It was like turning down a zero calorie but as delicious-as-creme-brulee dessert. (Or at least I assumed. At that point everything I knew about romance was gleaned from Anne of Green Gables and Moulin Rouge.)

How sad. How wasteful. How stupid. When I got married, I would always want to have sex with my husband! And I would never be too tired. My goodness, it was just ridiculous to want him to bring home a gallon of milk just to prove he cared. Wasn’t it just like a woman to make a grocery run a test of love. As the final coat of polish was applied to my nails, I swore to never be like them. My life would be different. I would be better. I would never feel too fat or too tired. Ever.
[AM: Oh the naivity of youth.]

And then I grew up.
[AM: Hallelujah.]

Intercourse, carnal knowledge, lovemaking, knocking boots, coitus, SEX! is everything 16 year old me imagined plus a little whipped cream on top. (Whipped cream, see what I did there?) And once Riley and I got married there was lots and lots and lots of it. Then we had a baby and I really was just so tired my bones hurt. And for a while I did feel fat. Even after I lost the pregnancy weight everything just looked different. Like a cut flower that has been left out in the sun, still lovely just a little…wilted. I became a little distant. We started to fall asleep without talking or kissing.
[AM: Why don women think they have the monopoly on this? Seriously! Ok, men don’t have to get fat to have kids, or cary the little bastards (or legitimate spawn) for 9 months, but please, don’t for a second think that fatigue, “letting yourself go” and feeling is even remotely unappreciable  is gender specific. DO NOT think that falling asleep without kissing doesn’t tear chunks out of a husband’s sole every single day.]

Then one day while washing dishes, I realized that we had gone eight days without touching each other. [AM: 8 days? Really? Oh please!!!! Get to 8 moths and then stick your head above the parepet.  Eight days was a quite some time for us. But the thing that bothered me the most was that I hadn’t missed it. [AM: I’ll bet my testicles HE had.] And I knew that was a problem. So that night after we put the baby to bed, I gave Riley my best come hither glance. Yes, I was tired and felt about as desirable as the “feed the birds” lady in Mary Poppins. But while drying the dishes, it occurred to me that 16 year old Meg must have understood something about sex that 20-something Meg had forgotten. And maybe, just maybe it was worth remembering. [AM is feeling a little more sympathy for the author at this point.]

Without further ado here are five reasons you should have sex with your husband every night:

1. Being a mother, one of the ultimate expressions of womanhood, can often leave a girl feeling stripped of her femininity. [AM: Being a father, one of the ultimate expressions of manhood, can often leave a boy feeling stripped of his masculinity.] There is something about being covered in spit up and attending to the every need of another human being that makes one feel distinctly gender neutral. [AM: Amen to that, sister!]  Most of my days are spent playing with dolls [AM: I’m assuming the author has a daughter and has her head firmly stuck up her gender stereotype ass. Girls like mud and sticks and bricks and Lego just as much as boys if they’re given the chance. And there’s a shit load of academic research to support this.], wiping baby food off of my clothes, changing diapers, wiping snot off of my clothes, going to the park, and wiping what-the-heavens-is-that off of my clothes. [AM: I’m a dad. been there. Done that. Way more than mum has.] There is something restorative about kissing the boy you love. There are times in Riley’s arms when I remember who I am before I even realize I have forgotten. Yes, I am a cook, cleaner, teacher, and wiper of all things disgusting. But I am also something more, something delightful [AM: I genuinly can’t remember the last time I felt delightful in the company of my Wife. Fuck, that’s depressing.]  and completely apart from my roles. I am a woman! And there is potential and depth and heck, I am pretty darn good kisser, too. It is a lovely thing, finding yourself through the touch of someone else.

2. If you want your husband to act like a man, you need to treat him like a man. [AM: Really? Are we back to stereotypes again?] Hold the eye rolls. I am not pushing for a return to the 1950′s. (Although, heaven knows an era in which low rise jeans did not exist is basically alright by me.) Women need any number of criteria met to feel loved. Men are far simpler. [AM: Wrong!!!] [AM: Or maybe that’s just me.] They need to be fed, they need to be appreciated, and they need to have sex. That is it. Really. So make or order dinner once in a while. Say thank you for the long hours spent at work with a hug and smile when he walks through the door each night. (Better yet? Smile as you hand him the kids and walk out the door for a long, much needed break.) [AM: Don’t even start me on this!] And my goodness, let the poor man see you naked. [AM: Actually, no. If you don’t have an ounce of sensuality in your mind, you could splay your legs, stick a dildo up your arse and scream Fuck me big boy, but if you don’t mean it, it counts for naught] It is astounding what a good man will do for a good woman that has made him feel loved. [AM: Now that’s a different issue.] After a few weeks of meals and make outs, you will sit back and wonder why you didn’t insist on having sex every night sooner. Talk about a small investment and big returns.

3. You need to have a moment in each day that is just about the two of you. [AM: Not a word of disagreement from me there. Parenting robs you of yourself.] Remember that boy? The one that made your heart thump and hands sweat? The one that called when you hoped he would, that made you run hot and high up to the stars until you thought you would never come down? [AM: Did theat ever happen? This is the question that the degenerative years of doubt will bring a man to.] He is still there. [AM: Honsetly? I don’t know.] Under the years and bills and worries, that smiling boy is still in love with and needs his smiling girl. [AM: Is he? Does he?] Every night after the kids go to bed is a chance to find him again. A moment to remind yourself that you are living a picket fenced adventure and my goodness, there is nothing the two of you can’t do.

4. Sex relieves stress. [AM: Preaching to the choir!] I don’t know that this one needs much explanation. As a mother I eat stress for breakfast. [AM: As a father I have it as a side order 3 times a day, 7 days a week. What’s your point?] So it seems to me I have a choice. I can let off steam by A) driving around at night and bashing in strangers mailboxes or B) I can get down and dirty with that one guy I married that one time. I choose option B. (So far the mailboxes in my neighborhood have escaped unscathed, so Option B must be working.) [AM: Option A. If I have the energy after yet another day of childcare.]

5. It is so much blasted fun. Seriously. [AM: No it’s not. It’s not been fun for … well … actually … No. Don’t let me go there,] Why are we so quick to refuse the good things in life? We will slog through our children’s Algebra homework, do Zumba in public and pluck the hair from our body ONE PIECE AT A TIME. But tell a girl to have sex every night and she looks at you like you are crazy, An orgasm? Every night? What do I look like? A Nymphomaniacal Super Woman? [AM: That’s me. A nymphomaniac … in essence, of not by gender.]  Where is the logic in that?

Are we really too busy doing dishes to participate in an activity that is so good it has inspired genius (that saucy Shakespeare) and changed history (Okay, Helen of Troy, we get it. You were super hot)? My goodness, what a crazy way to live. Ladies, did it ever occur to you (to us!) that we should have sex because WE DESERVE IT?

Yeah, you deserve it.
[AM: Should this not be addressed to our species? Not to just half of it?]

So, tonight put the kids to bed. Leave the dishes in the sink and the floors unswept. They will wait. Take a moment to remember that you are the girl you hoped you would be and then go find that boy and remind him that he is the man you knew he could be.
[AM: If only sexual repression and feminist myopia weren’t such apparently insurmountable barriers.]

Rinse. Repeat.

6 Responses to “5 reasons to fuck: a response.”

  1. I understand your frustration, too often stay at home fathers are dismissed, forgotten. And the childminding, day in/ day out, does suck the life out of you.
    This said: I think it is fair to say that in our societies, the vast majority of the time it’s the mums who take care of the children. For crying out loud, the author starts her article at a beauty salon getting orange nail polush applied! Obviously she is going to talk to women!
    However, I do agree with you: being the stay at home parent doesn’t mean you’re the one who wants sex the least. I know, I was there. And it has nothing to do with gender, we’re obviously at the opposite ends of the spectrum 🙂

    Good luck figuring out the answers to all the questio ns you raise about your marriage…

    Now, about the orgasm every night… why stop at one 😉

  2. Confessions of Your Husband's Mistress Says:

    The frustration you have is so real and so often neglected when it comes to talking about healthy relationships. This article doesn’t even address the needs of the man other than the mutual benefits they would receive. It comes across like woman are doing a fucking favor (pun!) just to have intimacy that supports and sustains a long-term relationship.
    I hope I don’t fall into this way of thinking if I ever find myself in a relationship!
    I hope you find some relief soon!

  3. should let my wife read this !

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