You’re ugly

Dear Female Reader, I have some bad news for you.
You are ugly.
You are fat. Your sex life is pathetic. Your hair is a mess. You’re ignorant. You’re undesirable. Your wardrobe is a disaster area. Your attitude towards other people is lamentable. Your attitude towards yourself is even worse.
And your tits? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Your tits?!?!?!
You really don’t make any effort at all, do you?
You are worthless.

When I read Alice, my Fairy Blog Daughter’s musing on getting old, I was minded of

this magazine cover I recently saw online …
[I should add that it was Alice who dubbed me her Fairy Blog Father, and not a moniker I adopted out of egotism.]


and Baz Luhrmann’s “Sunscreen”, in which he said …

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

You don’t need me, Dear Reader, to tell you it’s true.

And then today I found out that some cynical, manipulative moron in a cosmetics marketing department wants women to think that their breasts need various snake oils massaged into them … I wouldn’t say I was apoplectic, but I was certainly a little displeased.


There’s a very good chance, Dear Reader, that you are not fat. Your sex life (unlike mine) is probably not pathetic: it might be possible to spice it up a little, to get a little more action, but who amongst us hasn’t been there?. I dare say if your hair is a mess, it’s because you’ve just been at it like rabbits and it’s just a little tousled right now. You’re certainly not ignorant. And your tits? Oh my, oh my, oh my. Your tits are magnificent. I’ve seen quite a lot of tits in my time, and can see no good reason why you’d want to waste good money on beautifying lotion, firming cream, or contouring cream. The only time you need cream on your tits is when you want your SO to lick whipped cream off them or when they’ve just given you a pearl neckless.

Rest assured, Dear Female Reader, if you are in any doubt what soever, you are not worthless, you’ve far more fuckable than you think and if, like Alice, you think bearded clam is ugly, I can promise you YOU ARE WRONG!

29 Responses to “You’re ugly”

  1. Thank you my friend.
    Admit it, you read my last post and this is in response to it, right?
    (I didn’t check the publication times).
    One way or the other, this was perfect for me today πŸ™‚
    Not that I read such magazines πŸ˜‰

    • Yes I read your post and wrote this.
      (A little white lie does us all good from tine to time.)

    • I don’t know if you refer to your post being a white lie or your comment…
      I suppose I’ll assume it’s the comment, it’s much easier to accept πŸ˜‰
      Whether this was in response to my post or not doesn’t really matter. It just came at the perfect time.
      Though as I wrote my post I knew somewhere deep in my heart this is just that naughty little voice talking to me, it’s not an actual truth. But it’s the way I felt yesterday.
      Hopefully today is a better day πŸ™‚

    • I was referring to the comment.
      rest assured, the final paragraph stands.

  2. Oh, and I’m surprised you didn’t look at the boob lotion as a good excuse to get your hands on boobs πŸ˜‰

  3. This was lovely and the last part was exactly the pick-me-up I needed this morning. =)

  4. I truly giggle at the checkout or sometimes make a very unlady like snort whenever I see the covers of these magazines. As a woman in my 40’s, I’m more a tomboy than girly-girl & I’ve figured out what is true about myself. I don’t need commercialism to tell me what’s wrong. I feel sorry for every girl and woman who feels they need validation about their looks. I’m much more concerned with the emotional and intellectual aspects of life. Everyone’s looks go but if you’re boring as hell or a raging hosebeast , you’re much worse off than “ugly” will ever be. Thanks for the male perspective AM.
    Cheers mate

    • Glad to hear it. To be honest I think we all need validation about our looks from time to time, but from someone who wants to wants to get into our pants rather than someone who wants to get into our wallets.
      I’m sure you don’t need me to say this, but please don’t mistake my male perspective for the male perspective. Neither gender has too much right to occupy too much moral high ground. (I certainly don’t.)

    • no confusion about it being your perspective, and not the entire male population. You’re right about the moral high ground too. Every opinion counts. It helps to remember not to believe everything you think. I struggle to remember that sometimes.

    • That may be the most profound thing I’ve heard in years.

  5. You’re awesome Accidental. I ❀ you. Xoxo

  6. You are the best Fairy Blog Father I have ever had. Thanks AM….I needed that and you make me smile, most all the time really.

    Bisous from the land of no internet connection,

  7. Every time I see ads for things women DON’T need, I wonder if commercials would embarrass men if they had these companies aiming at them with things like Besty Testes, soap for your jewels… and other ridiculous products. It’s maddening.

  8. Accidental – I’ll never understand why you ended up accidentally masturbating. I’ve missed you.


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