Satisfaction guaranteed?

I like to think I’m not too egocentric, Dear Reader. Whilst my outer carapace glistens with a deep hue of confidence (regrettably sometimes mistaken for arrogance) you don’t have to scratch too deep to find the deep, murky swamps of insecurity on which far too many of our personas are founded. So who amongst us doesn’t like to have our ego massaged from time to time?

After I noticed the evidence of a constricting condom last week, it occurred to me that

I might benefit for using a larger size of jonnie. If nothing else it would be good to know if a mis-sized rubber was likely to tear or fall off. A little research pointed to two particular manufacturers catering to variously sized members, They Fit and My Size. Their websites both offer advice on how to measure your penis for optimum sheathing and, a little gratuitously, also provide handy print-out tape measures to wrap round your todger.


Being a devoted fan of gratuitous, I printed off the gauge from My Size, slipped into the bathroom, whipped out both my cock and my smart phone, navigated to some porn, gave myself a gentle tug … and just about remembered why I’d gone into the bathroom in the first place. I wrapped the piece of paper around my turgid member and …

We interrupt this blog-cast to go over to the News Room for a breaking story.

… and interest rates are likely to remain unchanged for the next quarter.

The popular sex blogger, Accidental Masturbator, has frequently asserted in public that his penis is of average length, claiming it to be an unremarkable 5½”. Whilst for decades men have satisfied themselves with claims that size doesn’t matter, compelling evidence to the contrary has been presented by eminent cocksizeologists Hyacinth Jones and Rouged Mount, the former having commented of a neighbor in March 2013, “He’s not crazy big, but he’s pretty large. 9″ long and ~8″ girth …” Last night Mr Masturbator presented himself for a stiff examination process, and whilst no figures are available for the length of his erection, a spokesman for My Size Condoms said “It’s certainly not the biggest wanger we’ve ever had to handle, but we were pleased to recommend our client equip himself with our second largest prophylactic, and being well into the range for that size, should he prefer a slightly looser fit, his girth is sufficient as to not rule out trying our largest jonnies.” Mr Masturbator, or The Wanker, as he is sometimes refered to, issued a statement this morning stating that, whilst he felt Ms Jones continued to perpetuate depressingly unrealistic standards of body image which men should not be expected to live up to, he did now at least hope this new evidence would finally disprove claims that she wouldn’t even feel him touching the sides and asked that the media give him and his right hand time to get to grips with the revelations. My Size Condoms declined to comment on whether The Wanker had ordered size 64 or 69 rubbers.

In other news, residents of a sleepy suburb were shocked today when a naked man was seen running out of a pharmacist reportedly shouting I’ve got a fat cock! and waving a small unidentified cardboard box at bystanders. Whilst CCTV cameras in the area were unable to help identify the streaker, one eye witness, who asked only to be named as One Eyed, said “I know it’s cold, but it didn’t look that big to me.”

And now we go over to Ivor Biggun for the weather …

Well wadayano?! It turns out my tool may not be the diminutive wooden splinter I have always assumed. As I slip into a moment of egotism, I have to say this is simultaneously very pleasing, historically interesting, and raises some fascinating questions.

Pleasing, obviously, because every man likes to know he has a big cock, and even if I am demonstrably no Long Dong Silver, my ego is now as well massaged as my member to know that it is thicker than average. As of last night, I am officially more of a man. Huzzah!!!
[Editor: Please excuse that outburst of self praise. AM knows all to well that a fat phallus does not maketh the man. However, just for the moment, let’s allow him his morning of glory.]

Interesting, because it sheds light on a few bits of history:
Back in the mists of time, when I started trying to find women willing to let me stick my ill practiced dick in them, in the UK at least, the only condoms commonly available were Durex and … errrr …well … Durex, actually. Then the spectre of HIV reared its menacing head and Richard Branson put some marketing weight behind Mates, which I found afforded me slightly improved sensation. And for the next 20yrs or so it never occurred to me to rubber up with any brand other than Mates Natural. They became like a scruffy old sweater you pull out of the drawer when it gets cold – nothing special, but familiar and reliable.
There’s an interesting word. If I think back to Geri and how we split several condoms, now I have to wonder whether using a standard size was the reason. Certainly the marketing pedlars of larger sheathes seem adamant that over-stretching their latex membranes can lead to failure.
And also I am interested in how attractive size really is to women. Fiona once told me over a card game of Truth Or Strip, with a particularly lustful look in her eye, that her first husband had been equipped with a 10″ cock. Nearly double my length! Yet she was more than happy to fuck me on a regular basis until we got caught. Probably something like 18 months of regular, rampant, awesome sex. Maybe it wasn’t just technique and enthusiasm that meant I could apparently satisfy a nymphomaniac with a taste for larger men.

It all leaves me with several questions.
Having only ever ridden Her husband’s cock, does my Wife have any sense of whether it is S/M/L or even whether She might have a preference?
If I understand condom measurement, based on the They Fit website, most range from 49-58mm, with Mates Natural measuring 54mm. Assuming that caters for average dicks, can the distribution of sizes be illustrated with a bell-end curve [Editor: Sorry, not least to those who have studied statistics at any time.] and into which percentile does a 67mm cock fit?


As for The Neighbour, and his 8″ girth! I genuinely don’t want to cast doubt on that figure, but is that claimed, perceived or measured? Because if I understand the numbers correctly, when My Size only produce sheathes up to size 69, TH would need a size 100!!!! “Not crazy big“? Just what does it take to satisfy Hyacinth?

23 Responses to “Satisfaction guaranteed?”

  1. You are a hysterical writer. Good work! Girth means so much more than length!

  2. Damn, where did I put that measurin’ stick…

  3. LOL! The chart at the end. I thought I was going to fall off my chair! Ha!

    Oh, and while size doesn’t make the man, let me congratulate you on your new found knowledge of your own bigger-than-you-thought manhood.

  4. Congratulations? I confess to prefering someone on the larger end of the spectrum but haven’t gotten lucky like Hy with a regular partner. Girth definitely matters more… And sometimes men who are really big dont rely on any other skills, which is a disappointment.

  5. rougedmount Says:

    thick is noticeable… it’s much harder to think about anything else.

  6. […] satisfaction guaranteed simply because a man has a larger cock than another? Of course not. It simply increases the chances […]

  7. Thank you for the much needed laugh. You had me smiling and longing to wrap my hand around to measure you for myself. 🙂

  8. I didn’t get to comment before because I was quite busy doing various things (yes, you’ll get to read about them), but this post made me laugh sooo hard!!
    Thank you for that!
    And see, I’d always told you your cock looked perfectly nice! Now I know that it probably would feel nice too (not that I plan on trying 😉 ).

  9. […] dare try tell my how much I can get in my mouth. Anyway, you said you were bigger than average! Me: Thicker, not longer. And I’m not huge so it’s really about technique. Her: Whatever. I […]

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