Feeling dirty

In the continuing saga of AM And The Great Condom Hunt, I just ordered a variety pack.

It felt surprisingly selacious.

What with my porn habit, my (not just about) sex blog and occasional kinky toy purchases, I’m well used to spending time sat in front of a computer with a boner. For me, it’s all quite normal. And as much as I get aroused by it, somehow it doesn’t feel illicit.

Buying condoms online, on the other

hand, did. Which is odd, because I’ve almost been doing it publicly. Not exactly publicly, but I haven’t for example been reading reviews of rubbers, or comparing the cost of condoms in a private browser window, and if my Wife had walked into the room, I like to thinkg I wouldn’t have hurriedly clicked over to Facebook, or Laterooms, or Amazon, or whatever I was supposed to be doing at the time. It would have been a good oportunity to say I don’t think either of us are particularly enjoying Mates Natural so I’ve been doing some research on condoms that might work better for us. Yet I have procrastinated about ordering them for a week, maybe even two. Because despite knowing what I wanted to acheive, it some how felt forbidden. And not in the way that watching hardcore porn feels forbidden. It almost felt like something I shouldn’t be doing, rather than something I really should be doing. (Is this confusing, Dear Reader? It has certainly felt confusing!)

Anyway, I bit the bullet, and stole a moment infront of the laptop to order a load of contraceptives.

I know I said I’d ordered a variety pack, but that’s not strictly true. Initially I was thinking of ordering a variety pack of thin condoms – Mates, Durex, Trojan, Crown, EXS – the list was surprisingly long, and half of the brands I’d never heard of, but I figured if we were going to have to work our way through a dozen differing jonnies, a) it was going to take a month of Sundays and b) we’d need to keep written notes on each one if we were to have any chance of remembering whether Contestant #3 was better a better fuck than Contestant #7. I’m sure I would have enjoyed that in some respects, but whilst I’m the analytical pervert in the relationship, I suspect my Wife would feel less comfortable describing the pros and cons of how my cock felt in Her cunt, let alone writing it all down.

So I made up my own variety parcel. One packet each of the following:

Mates have been my condom of choice for almost as long as I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy the sensation of pussy sliding up and down my cock, and until my recent realisation of just how much I dislike condoms, I have never had any issues cumming with one on. And Skyn are supposed to be their thinnest, most sensitive sheathe, so I figured we should start with something close to what we know.

Durex are the most widely sold brand of rubbers in the UK, and if their marketing hype is to be beleived, possibly even the world. If we can only get hold of one brand of condom, it’s likely to be Durex. Again, considering how little of my Wife’s body I’ve been able to feel with a normal jonnie, their Ultra Thin seemed a lgoical choice too.

I’d never heard of Crown condoms until recently. When I googled best condom review 2014, there was pretty much universal acalim for the Skinless Skin. I think it ranked as #1 in every comparison I read, and nothing worse than 4.5 out of 5 in user reviews. If they’re really that good, then they’ve got to be worth a shot.

Whilst I was reading up on condoms, the issue of size was mentioned more than once. Considering my cock is no more than average in length, I assumed it’s girth was equally average. I’m not particularly bothered whether I need to fully unroll a rubber or not – I’m realistic about plenty of men having longer tools, and it makes little sense to me to manufacture 10 different lengths when one will do. But a little reading, and a little measuring genuinly surprised me. So having established My Size, (damn those marketing people are clever with their branding, aren’t they?!) I opted for a Large Size Trial Pack. I considered just getting a pack of a dozen 64s, theoretically my size, but since I’m at in the upper half of their capacity, and who knows, I might find I prefer tighter or loser condoms, I opted for a smaller, cheaper trial pack, containing each of their largest sizes.

Fortuitously, because my order crossed a price threshold, the retailer had an offer of a free vibrating cock ring.

Our first ever sex toy.

Ooooh la laaaaaaahhhhh.

Now don’t get excited, Dear Reader. Just because I’m making a point of buying a clit stim toy for my Wife, doesn’t mean She will want to go near it. My guess is She won’t. But! As it was a free promotional offer, I don’t have to justify its purchase, and there will be no presure to try it. On the contrary, I expect to just present Her with a jiffy bag of jonnies, being the promotional vibrator to Her attention, point out I don’t expect Her to have any interest in it whatsoever, and then quickly move on to discuss why I picked each product. I may even tell Her how surprised I was by the feeling of doing something naughty. (Obviously I may not explain why it was quite so surprising, and leave out the bits about my porn habbit, my (not just about) sex blog and occasional kinky toy purchases.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: