How long is a piece of string?

As She got out of bed I started wanking. She hadn’t yet left the room, and whilst it was dark and my actions were silent, She must have known. She was meant to know.
Wile She showered, I came, reached for the tissues, curled up under the covers, and felt like an arsehole.

I made a positive decision. A small one. And I doubt I’ll stick to it, but it’s a decision.
I’ve been making less and less effort to hide my interminable erections and relentless masturbation from Her over the past month or so, but it’s going to stop. Part of me is tempted to say I’m not being fair to Her, and whilst that may or may not be true, I dare say there are numerous other ways, worse ways, I’m not being fair to Her too. But as much as I’d like to rub my face in Her crotch, there is nothing to be gained from waving my cock in Her face. It is a futile gesture, I’ve proved that, and it doesn’t result in us having sex, or even discussing the issue. Fuck only knows what She thinks about it. But it is pointless. It stops.

That was yesterday.

Today She was going to work late, schools have broken up for Half Term, I’m on daytime dad-duty, so other than the fact that it gave me an opportunity to catch up on some much needed desk time, there was no need to get out of bed early.
She reached across to me, a shadow of intimacy, and I lay still. She knew I was awake, but I could muster no response I was comfortable with. Not even a projection of ambivalence held any degree of desired expression. A few minutes later She reclaimed Her hand A few minutes later still, I queried what time She was leaving the house, and I remarked on my departure from the bed being motivated by work. Which it was. In part.

By the time I returned from my shower, my cock was at half mast, and somehow even then my resolve was faltering as I made no effort to hide its semi swollen state in the gloom.

I wonder if I’ll last a week?
Don’t get me wrong, I see no merit in stopping wanking. I am after all, I guess, an addict and today my balls ache almost as much as my libido. But being so provocative? No.
My worst resolutions usually last too long.
My best, not long enough.

19 Responses to “How long is a piece of string?”

  1. Who is to say that not showing her is your best resolution? And that showing her is your worst?
    You two need to talk about this. Living like this is no life for either of you. When you wanted sex with her, she would reject you and now that she is trying, it’s you who reject her. This is only going to turn you both into resentment balls. Your kid is bound to pick up on it sooner than later. Is this really the sort of relationship you want to showcase to him/her? The sort of unhealthy relationship you want him/her to dive into once s/he becomes an adult?
    This is the reason I decided to leave my ex, I didn’t want our relationship to be the only example they have. I don’t want them to think this was the norm.
    Good luck!
    XO

  2. i wonder, if the coldness you describe goes beyond the bed? Is the sex the cause or a symptom? If you take away the sex (or lack of it), is there any intimacy / affection left? Sorry if i’m overstepping commenting boundaries, i realize it might not be within the scope of a sex blog. But i have found that this line of thinking has helped when i am sexually frustrated. When i find many other things can downplay the sex part, my patience and tolerance grows. Things get a bit better (including the sex). That is until the next cycle ofcourse. Sigh, can’t say it is permanent solution 😦

    • There aren’t many significant signs of affection elsewhere. I’m not aware of any other major rifts – ongoing, niggling disatisfaction, maybe – but nothing dramatic. I dare say it’s chicken and egg, but what’s chicken for me remains unhatched for Her, whilst my egg still needs to be laid … no pun intended.

  3. Wouldn’t say you are an addict… or if you are, I guess I am as well. At least you are in good company? And I *do* know it doesn’t make it better.

  4. I’m with Dawn that you have got to get this out in the open as it only leads to long term issues that become insurmountable with time.

    • Whilst I think you’re both right, that talking is a possible route out, there is no guarantee of where that route will lead. It is not impossible that talking could unearth insurmountable differences. Differences that could have been tolerated if they’d stayed buried. I can’t deny I live a comfortable life courtesy of my wife, and sex is only one part of a relationship.
      Yes, talking is probably a good idea, but Pandora’s Box is closed for a reason.

      • All I can say is my xH would say the same thing, he lived a comfortable
        Life courtesy of me. But after 20 years, those insurmountable differences were still there because we did nothing to course correct. There should be no Pandora’s box in a marriage else it will never succeed.

    • You say you live comfortably courtesy of your wife, but is this living? Denying a side of oneself so deeply rooted, isn’t it smothering oneself to some extent? I guess the only person who can answer this is you. And yes, I know, old codger 😉
      Whatever your reasons, whatever your decisions… HUGS

      • I don’t get sex. But I don’t write about anything else. It is a polarised view of my world I choose to let the blogosphere to see.

        • True. But from the way you write about it, you suffer from that lack. So unless you are building a persona for our sake, you are not happy with that bit. And that bit is an important part of who you are, you miss being able to express yourself in that area, especially to the woman you are married to who is not interested in your attentions, nor your release. And most importantly is not interested in even discussing solutions with you.
          Withdrawal of sex is borderline abusive. It’s even worse when it comes from the person who holds the financial power, since the other one feels trapped… it is something I have known far too long in my marriage.
          Now, from your last comment, you enjoy the comfort she provides for you, so you are willing to forgo a part of you because of it.
          We all make choices in life. They often are different from one person to another and no one can tell anyone what they should do. As I said, you are the only person who can change the situation if you don’t like it.
          But yes, what we read is a polarised view. Which is even more reason for us not to judge anyone 🙂

        • I sometimes wonder whether blogging makes the situation worse. It can easily take an hour to write a post. Some are written over days, weeks, or even months. And all that time I spend thinking about sex. About my sexuality. About how much sex I’m not getting.
          I am about more than just sex. I have 1000 hobbies and interests I could more constructively spend time on. I could get through work a whole lot quicker. And have more money to spend on pleasures other than unnecessary underwear, sex toys and porn.
          And I could be happier? More content? Perhaps?
          Some circles are vicious. Some are virtuous.

        • It is always difficult to know. I hope you find your answers.
          XO

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