Discovery?

Several of your number, Dear Reader, noticed recently that my blog disappeared from public view. As I explained to them directly (whenever possible), something crossed my radar in the blogosphere that made me curious. Very curious. Or did it?

I won’t go into too many details for obvious  reasons, but my initial thought was well that’s an interesting turn of phrase, and then I thought about the precise combination I had read:

A word – not unused in general language, but one that rarely finds it’s way into conversation, and which has a certain significance for my Wife and me.
A homophone – a word that sounds just like another, the latter having a very specific connection with the aforementioned word and adding weight to it’s significance, whilst being spelt quite differently.
A phrase – which could so easily be a barely veiled reference to our situation.

Reading any one of these three things in isolation would not have troubled me, but put them together, with barely a comma or carriage return between them, and in the Paranoia Dept of Accidental Inc everyone dropped what they were doing and the alarm was triggered.

WPbat

I was away from full internet access as the possibilities ran through my head, and the more I thought about it, the more suspicious I was. As soon as I got home I did some digging.

Had my blog been discovered by my Wife?

I found use of language and references that were decidedly out of character for Her, but an abject lack of back story with an explanation that could so easily have had as big a hole in it as Henry and Liza’s bucket.

Then I thought …

So what if I’d been unmsked?
So what if AM’s dirty little secret was now just dirty and little?
What if my Wife had discovered my blog?
What if my Wife now knew how much I wanted sex, and how I’d given up hope?
What if She knew I’d even contemplated hiring an escort?
What if She’d seen my porno-selfies and read admiring, lustful comments from other women?
What if She’d divined the contents of my Little Wooden Chest of Naughty Secrets?
What if She now knew I wanted Her to dress up in rubber and fuck me with a strapon?

I ran through the possibilities in my head, and had to admit not all of them were necessarily bad.
But there were enough that were soaked in guilt and betrayal and retrebution that the risks were high enough to merit removing myself from this particular public arena until I was confident what was ging on.

Sometimes blogs can be like horoscopes. Especially sex and relationship based blogs. A lot of us who inhabit this murky little corner of Blogsville do so because we are in at least semi-dysfunctional relationships, and there are only a limited number of ways relationships can dysfunction. Just as a horoscope will be worded so that almost anyone can read what they feel they need from it, it is frequently easy to read another’s narrative of a failing marriage and think that could so easily be about me and my Wife.

Is there really any reason to think I had been discovered?
Probably not.
Nonetheless, I resolved to keep the shutters down for a while and watch.
After all, it’s not difficult to create a cover story, an alter ego, when you go online. Thousands upon thousands of nefarious lowlife do it every day, and with a little imagination and the time to contemplate our replies, we don’t need to be Peter Lomax to convince others we are not who we are. I could write myself into the character of an over sexed, under fucked, 40 something compulsive wanker with a fetish for gloves and rubber within minutes. It isn’t difficult to wear a disguise on the web.

I’m still watching.
Mostly I think I have no grounds for concern, until there’s the kind of grammatical faux pas and spelling mistake for which my Wife would never be responsible. But on a regular basis, amongst what could so easily be smoke and mirrors, misdirection, or (putting on my most suspicious hat) the clumsy work of an inept private investigator, a comment is made that hauls on the reins of paranoia and makes me think I could have been discoved.

But you know what, Dear Reader? In the 0.0001% chance that the secret’s out? Well …
Fuck it!
I don’t think She knows.
And if She does, do I care? Probably yes. Probably no.
Would it make any difference? I haven’t the faintest idea.
And it’s not like I’ve done anything dramatically wrong. The worst that can be said is that I’ve been nominally indiscreet and betrayed Her implicit trust. It’s not like I’ve been fucking anyone else. I’ve just talked to friends (or strangers) about stuff I can no more talk to Her than She can talk to me.

And in the unbelievably unlikely event that She now knows exactly how sexually unsatisfied I am and that I’d like Her to dress up in rubber and fuck me with a strapon … well, we all know it ain’t gonna happen, but … bring it on!

19 Responses to “Discovery?”

  1. Well, worst comes to worse, at least that would be a conversation opener!
    Hugs!

  2. I like your outlook on everything.

  3. Welcome back ! 🙂

  4. Yikes. Well I’m glad to see you’re back. I get my updates from the WordPress reader so while I noticed I hadn’t read anything of yours in awhile, I didn’t specifically know you’d temporarily closed up shop.
    Welcome back!

  5. revealedwoman Says:

    Glad your ability to think about this rationally eventually took over from your paranoia.
    After all, what is the worst that can happen? She mentions in casual conversation over dinner that she’s discovered she’s allergic to wearing latex?

  6. revealedwoman Says:

    In H’s case he has experienced all three…😔

  7. The Woman Invisible Says:

    was wondering! welcome back!

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