We booked a last minute holiday. Just a few days away. It’s been more than two baran months since my overly optimistic suggestion of regular sex and I briefly considered packing condoms but, as I have decided, yet again, it’s really not worth the effort to invest in our sex life, I almost instantly ruled it out.

We’d planned to leave in the evening and drive for a few hours at the end of the day, so we could all wake up on holiday, and not start the day with the inevitable rush round the house trying to find all the crap we really wuodn’t need to take, but would take anyway. This would mean I’d pick up my Wife from Her office.

She left for work.

Half an hour later I got a text message from Her …


When I got Her message, I almost lauged. I conteplated possible answers: 

  • No.
  • I can’t imagine there would be anything to be gained by doing so. 
  • You want them, you bring them. 
  • I’ve already thought about it and decided it wasn’t worth carrying the extra weight. 

Because I didn’t want to. I don’t really want to have sex with Her. I do, obviously, but not as we do – sporadically, unreliably, and riddled with stress. No I don’t want to take condoms. But, fuck it! just because I pack one, doesn’t mean I have to have sex with Her.

When She said Ta, I didn’t know what She was thanking me for: the acquiensence or the other unrelated information. I snorted derision at the ambiguity, and considered what would make an apropriate response:

  • Is that for packing condoms or for the information about [redacted]?
  • Which sort do you want?
  • How many?
  • I’ll put one in your washbag.
  • If you’re planning on fucking someone, please do it in his bed. 

Let no one say I’m not faceious on occasions. 

I felt irritable.

I contemplated forgetting to pack any. I genuinly did nearly forget. And I was kind of disappointed that I remembered. 


Aside from the obvious, the fact that I have abandoned 99.999% of hope of a having reasonable sex life ever again, and I really don’t want to ride that inevitable roller coaster of on-again-off-again, there’s a principal here. The last time we fucked was when we had the house to ourselves after a rare night out. Her plan for this time – on holiday. So is it just to be on special occasions? If so, She’s been neglectful on the last 3(?) Valentine’s Days, my last 4(?) birthdays and the last 5(?) Xmas Days. It may be more, I’m past caring. The point is I’m not interested in sex on high days and holidays. I’m not interested in having my diary marked with three or four red circles that punctuate the year as the seasons change. And when there’s been talk of resolve, that’s pretty much all there’s been. Talk. Fur coat and cast iron knickers. 

I packed three condoms – shit, that’s funny – confident that at worst only one would be used. And resolved that each night I would be asleep before She came to bed, and each morning out of bed before She stired.

43 Responses to “Packing”

  1. I can’t like this post.
    I understand your reasons for not wanting to have sex with her if it’s only to be an on-again-off-again sort of thing.
    I understand your unwillingness to divorce. It is a scary thing to contemplate.
    But you sound so sad, AM. I guess I think that, whatever decision you make towards sex and your marriage, I hope that soon you can make it and be happy with it.
    Whether you stay and accept that this is going to be your lot, or you decide you are not happy as is and want to move on is irrelevant. But I wish for you to be happy…

    • The decision was made a long time ago. Contentment will come when I am confident it will not be challenged.

    • Well, then you need to have *that* talk with your wife. That she either decides for or against but that you cannot keep going back and forth. And then decide to be happy, no matter what it is you get…
      I know, easier said than done, I struggle every day to figure out what I want 😉

  2. I liked it but not because I like it. Jus to say I’m here and I’m so so so sorry. As you know, I can relate. I was also the one for a time causing my ex this pain. It hurts to see you going through this.

  3. I don’t know what to tell you either. Everyone has pretty much said everything. As for me, I’m the opposite. I’ve never said no. People have told me it constitutes as rape.

  4. Get mad and tell her what you’re thinking – and don’t sleep in the same bed. At least that separation will cease expectations and give you a break.

    • I think She probably knows. She just needs to accept it and I dare say She will need some degree of emotional support when She does. That should probably be down to me.

    • How or why is her support down to you if her actions are the cause of your problems? How can you be both things?You need your own support too. I don’t ask these things lightly. I know It’s a task to get to the heart of some problems. I wish you luck. xo, J

    • Beca… I guess it’s a bit like asking why climb a mountain (and I say this with complete neutrality): if you have to ask, there probably isn’t an answer that will make sense to you.

    • No, I don’t ask because I don’t have an answer. Sometimes I ask questions because my answer may not be yours.My mind is a closed system of my own manufactured and learned “sense”. I think I only have resources from my experience, which is naturally different from others’ (yours). Honestly, I’m secretlty holding my breaking heart behind my back…wondering if you have an answer I simply can’t see. That’s a dramatic way to put my question into imagery…but there’s truth in it for sure because I’ve been in your shoes.

    • As mentioned I have an answer. Who can say whether it is the right one? Tempus solum dicet.

  5. You’ve been trying to change things for so long. Maybe it’s time to draw the line and stop being “there” for her. The cost is becoming great…when is enough, enough? I know that only you know that. I wish you peace of mind in that. Hugs to you AM. xoxo, Jayne

  6. revealedwoman Says:

    I agree with Dawn, discuss it and/or make a decision. This is doing your head in. H always expected it on high days and holidays – that does not a satisfying sex life make.
    As someone said to me before I made the decision it was all over – ”You only have one life, start living it’.
    I would add if you’re not happy then change something; you, She, whatever but don’t just ‘exist’. Please.

    • As I said to Dawn, the decision has already been made.

    • What did you decide?
      I couldn’t like this post because it made me sad for you. Sex is a big deal but of course you know that already. I don’t know your story or how you feel but I sympathize.

    • To have a celibate marriage.

    • How is it working out?

    • I well it turns out celibacy isn’t entirely stress free – a pressure I feel to make sure opportunities for intimacy are avoided, and a bitterness that it’s Her fault … even though obviously some of it’s my fault. But hey – you make your bed, you have to lie in it.
      I have found myself filling my time with overdue projects recently, and as a result have been wanking less. Coincidence? I don’t know. I still think about sex an awful lot and have been looking at escort websites more regularly too. So how’s it going? OK. em>Where’s it going? Who knows.

    • Ha! Having played the avoidance game before, I know it’s not easy. If you’re really going to stick with celibacy, you might as well have a talk and explain to her that you don’t want sex with her any more.
      But I guess that would mean starting a discussion about sex with her, which is probably not something you’re looking forward to…
      This said, the avoidance game… no fun. There must be better ways to communicate! Good luck!

    • Ah yes, communication. Remind me how that works. 😉
      Yeah you’re right, of course – a conversation about leaving eachother alone would be better than dreading that we might have to deal with intimacy, but that would probably end up with us having a conversation about trying again, and on this one, rather than looking at a glass as half empty, I just want it to be full or empty and not have to deal with the Oh look, it’s nearly empty again.
      I don’t know. We’ll stumble along.

    • Thanks. Not needed today, but thanks anyway.

    • I dont think I’d be able to do that but I wish you the best of luck…. Just curious, if you pursued an escort service how would the wife feel?

    • If She knew I imagine She would feel hurt, betrayed, and would fail to understand how someone She regards as a feminist could have so little respect for a woman that I could fuck her for money.
      That would be if I did and if she knew.

    • Couldn’t agree more with the ‘don’t just exist’ 🙂

    • There seems to be an assumption that something romantic is necessary. I don’t write about anything about my life, other than what is missing, but that doesn’t mean there is nothing else. Give the guy some credit!

    • Hey, I’m all for giving you credit. And that’s what I tried to convey when I said the most important is that you are happy with your decision.
      Of course, the fact that you write about what is missing tends to show that you still miss it, so you haven’t quite healed about the compromise you’re trying to make.
      All I was trying to say is: be at peace with your choice and enjoy life, even if you give up on something.
      I know that for me finding my sexuality helped make me a better woman, but I know we all have different life paths, and that’s quite alright!
      So all credit to you. Just don’t let that missing part lead you to becoming angry and sour 🙂

    • (I know everyone means well.)

  7. The Woman Invisible Says:

    I’m sorry.

  8. Hope you enjoy your vacation whether or not you get to use your 3 condoms. I’ve been disappointed too many times on “special occassions” that i’ve consciously decided that the sex situation will not dictate my state of happiness /contentment. That might not make sense, and i question it sometimes, but there must be other things in your marriage /wife that makes you happy. Hugs!

    • There are things that make me comfortable enough.
      As for the holiday – much like many other days it was busy.

    • I guess this is more or less what I meant. You need to consciously decide what will make you happy. If it’s a celibate marriage, then by all means, go for it. But don’t forget to be happy along the way… :-/

  9. I can see why you would just decide and not feel any need to say one thing. You’ve tried and she’s the same now as she was 2 years ago – unresponsive. It’s just wrong. Life has wrong pieces though…be very happy with other things.

  10. I’ve been on both sides of the high libido-low libido equation and they both suck, but it’s worse where you are. I’m sorry.

    • I think I’m safe in saying my Wife and I have only ever existed on one side each of that equation. Though technically I think it should be called an inequation. Possibly even two mutually exclusive constants.

  11. rougedmount Says:

    Buy 365 condoms and use them to jerk off in …ever . single. day. and then leave them or the wrapper where she can see it…if she says anything? simply say you are using them with your sex partner…because it’s true

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