Seven Ages Of Sex (Or rather 9)

When you’re 5yrs old, kissing is normal. Girls kissing boys. Girls kissing girls. Boys kissing boys.  Boys kissing dads. Mums kissing sons. Everyone snuggling up on the sofa together in their PJs means everything is normal. The world is normal.

When you’re 10yrs old, kissing is yeuch!!! Girls don’t want to go near boys coz they smell, and boys are happy to be left alone to smell. Unless they’re chasing girls and trying to make them inhale. As for your parents kissing and cuddling … double yeuch!!!! That’s sooooo gross! Just as well you’re asleep long before your dad has tied your mum to the bed and she’s eagerly whimpers Harder daddy, harder, Baby’s been a baaad girl and he thrusts his swollen willie up her swollen … oh yeah … willies and … well, girls don’t have willies, do they … that’s all just hilarious.

When you’re 15yrs old, girls want to kiss boys, and stop at that. Boys want to kiss girls, and then grope their tits and finger their pussies. Girls have been conditioned to dress in a sexually provocative manner, but to say no to sex. Boys have been conditioned to respond to sexually attractive images, believe that No means Yes, and brag about having sex … whether they have or not. The one thing both genders have in common is near crippling anxiety about sex and acne.

When you’re 20yrs old, there are options.
a) You’re having sex. Lots of sex. Every weekend. With someone you’ve not had sex with before. If you don’t have a condom in your wallet, that’s because you used it last night. You’ve probably had to visit to the STD clinic at least once, and if you haven’t you really should have.
b) You haven’t had sex and, because everyone else has, you wonder what’s wrong with you. You’re fatter, uglier, can’t dance, haven’t read the right books or seen the right bands, you’re infinitely less cool than any of your piers and no one will ever love you … or so you think. You too have a condom in your wallet, but it’s been there so long the foil packet has started to crumble, the rubber has perished, and spermicidal lubricant has leaked out and stained the hand crafted leather of the wallet your best friend (who you haven’t yet figured out really wants to fuck your brains out) brought back from their gap year in Peru for you.
c) You’ve had sex, but you kind of wish you hadn’t. It was either a drunken fumble at a party which went farther than it really should have, or it was with your best friend who has since stopped answering their phone, or you’ve woken up in someone else’s bed, realised they are quite grotesque in daylight and had to do the walk of shame and face the ridicule of your flat-mates who cheered as you stumbled out of the pub last night. Of course you could be the grotesque one and wake up in a surprisingly empty bed, in which case you feel as soiled as your sheets.
d) You’re utterly besotted. You’ve found your soul mate. You make love with them every day. The sun glows as warmly as you both do. And in 6 months time you will hate them because they had anal sex with your best friend even though they told you they didn’t want to try it.


When you’re 25yrs old, you’re having regular sex at last. You’ve had a few partners, but no one could accuse you of being promiscuous. You’ve experimented a little.
Some light bondage, who hasn’t? Right? Oh come on! We all enjoyed 50 Shades! Yeah?
A threesome perhaps, which was fun … once … just once … despite the breakfast table awkwardness.
Maybe you’ve gone down on someone, and we’re not talking the opposite gender here, although depending on which gender that is, you may or may not be comfortable admitting to it.
There’s a good chance you’ve sent naked selfies to someone else, but that’s cool – everyone’s done it, your ex would never abuse your trust by posing them on, and no one you know will ever see that home movie.
You have a small collection of porn and/or sex toys. It’s not an excessive collection, and in these modern times anyone who hasn’t used a butt plug and wanked over gay porn is just repressed and lying to themself. It said so on the cover of Cosmo, FFS!
You know what you like and when you meet your future spouse, you’re confident that they will too, because they’ve got just as much history, have exorcised all their hang ups and daemons, and are perfectly at ease with their sexuality. You hope.

When you’re 30yrs old, you have regular sex. You know it’s regular because you’ve got an app on your phone that charts ovulation and reminds prompts you to do so. And if the app has already become redundant, you still fuck two or three times a month. Because that’s what normal couples do, even if, while you’re humping away, you’re actually thinking about the laundry or a business deal or applying for a place at that lovely nursery you got shown round the other day. At least you’ve only moaned your ex’s name once in the throws of passion, and nothing was ever said so you’re pretty sure you got away with that.

When you’re 40yrs old, again you have options.
a) You have sex occasionally. There’s more sweat and breathlessness than fireworks, but it’s worth making the effort. Once in a while.
b) Your marital mattress still gets stains once in a blue moon. But you’re getting plenty of action in the stationary cupboard at work or behind the bushes at the tennis club. And as long as you don’t get caught, and still make the effort once in a blue moon at home, the world will carry on spinning just as it has for year after year after year.
c) You don’t have sex any more. You don’t even see the point in wanking when the anguish that that brings cuts so deep. You sleep in the same bed, and you kiss on the doorstep, but whereas a bottle of wine used to lubricate your libido, the gin that has replaced it just dulls the pain.
d) The divorce papers have received their final stamp. You feel liberated, and as horny as you did when you were 20. What’s more, you now actually do  know what you like, far better (and dirtier) than you did when you were 25, you have a really respectable collection of sex toys or fetish gear … or more likely both … and are more than happy to have anal sex with a 20yr old. With experience and expendable cash on your side, and having escaped from the barren drudgery of the last few years, and you are swimming with the other sharks, or as they’re better known as Cougars and Sugar Daddies.

When you’re 50yrs old, if the menopause hasn’t got you, the manopause has. TV ads have told you that 40% of men over 40 can benefit from that little blue pill, you’ve procured some online (who would have thought those emails weren’t all spam) and you know what, they’re bloody right! As long as you’ve got a pump action bottle of lube by the side of the bed, and some of Pfizer’s finest, you can keep you going almost as long as when you were 20. That is until you’re found dead of a heart attack and handcuffed to the bed.

8 Responses to “Seven Ages Of Sex (Or rather 9)”

  1. revealedwoman Says:

    Brilliant! One of your best posts AM.
    Was this all from the male perspective though?
    I might be able to tell a different story…;)

  2. revealedwoman Says:

    Great post AM!! Made me laugh (and reminisce).

    So how’s life these days? Good, bad, indifferent?


  3. Loved this post. I think it is written from a gender neutral perspective, though you forgot the anguish that comes every month in the 30s pahse for a woman, and the crushing feelings when the little red stains appear… 🙂

  4. I’m apparently not doing 30 right. Lol

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