Domestic bliss

When I told you, Dear Reader, about how I came to discover my love of rubber-wear, I dug out an old copy of the fetish magazine, Shiney International, I bought some time back in the late 80s / early 90s. As I thumbed through the pages, skim reading erotic stories and stiffening over explicit photo sets, I chanced upon these pictures.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Whilst I’d be surprised if too many women have used a vacuum cleaner for sexual stimulation, I’m prepared to bet, Dear Female Reader, that at some point you’ve had an orgasm sat on a washing machine. And if you haven’t, you’ve thought about it.
Am I right?

WPwm

As for you, Dear Male Reader, you have indeed looked at the vacuum cleaner on more than one occasion and thought I’ll bet that sucks harder than my SO. Don’t try to tell me you haven’t fantasised about a bionic blow-job.

WPhbj

And I know what you’re all thinking. And the answer is yes! of course I’ve stuck my dick in the vacuum cleaner. But it may surprise you that I only tried it for the first time in the last few days.

Obviously I’ve thought about it on and off ever since I bought my first carpet cleaner, but it wasn’t until a few months back that I seriously contemplated the act. I was inspired to do so by a news story about a change in EU regulations. The tabloid newspapers were up in arms with sensationalist claims and jingoism because the EU had moved to try to get consumers to reduce the amount of energy they use by restricting the sale of high powered vacuum cleaners. I don’t imagine it will make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things, but a move to more efficient units would reduce the demand for electricity generation and thus the impact on the environment. A goal that is hard to think of anything but laudable.

Anyway, it was this news story that got me looking lustfully at the dust-buster.
Purely in the name of research, you understand.

We have an elderly upright Hoover.
We also have a small, hand held, hi-tech Dyson.

WPdys

(Sexy little beast, isn’t it!!!!)

For those not familiar with Dyson (I have no idea if they are a popular outside the UK) one feature that is used heavily for sales purposes is their ability to suck consistently without loosing power.
We’ve all heard the expression sucks like a Hoover in the context of blow jobs so, I presumed a powerful suck would be good feature in any machine I was going to stick my dick in.
I reached for the Dyson, took off its brush, and fitted the flexible hose.

You will be well aware, Loyal Reader, that I do not have a monstrous tool, it is nothing more than average in terms of size, so when I pulled my pants down in front of the appliance, I was surprised to see the diameter of the hose was not as capacious as it thought I might need. And at this stage I didn’t even have an erection. (Let’s be honest, a hard, grey plastic tube isn’t the most arousing of implements.) Not that that put me off – I was doing this in the name of research and I figured a tight fit would be necessary if good suction was to be experienced, and if I got my cock at least part way into the nozzle before it was engorged, all should be well.

The next thought that went through my head was one of hygiene.
Vacuum cleaners are designed to suck up all the crud and dirt from around your house. No man in his right mind would stick his knob into a pussy lined with crust, dust, and grit without at reaching for a condom. So I reached for a jonny.

I was about to roll the sheath down over my manhood, when I had another thought. The sensation of penetrating an unlubricated cunt isn’t nearly as pleasant as one that is slick with juices.
Some lube was going to be required.
If I lived on my own, I dare say I might have just slathered the inside with of the hose with KY, but I had no concept of how the lube would get spread around the internal surfaces of the Dyson, and as we all know, sex lube stays slippery for a very, very long time. I figured it would be best to not only use the condom to protect my member from any dirt in my mechanical lover, but also to protect it from fluids, including any ejaculate that might result. So I squeezed some lube into the French letter before sliding my cock into it. (Putting a sheath on before you’re erect is surprisingly difficult!)

And so I was ready to embark on my experiment.

There have long been stories of how men have turned up at the A&E / ER department and confessed that they were doing the house work naked, when they accidentally tripped, with the unfortunate result that they somehow ended up with their todger in the vacuum cleaner. My guess is that such stories are entirely apocryphal, but you can’t stand half naked, penis semi engorged, about to fuck a domestic appliance without at least a little trepidation.
What if it went wrong?
What id I was injured?
What if the prodigious power of the pump proved too much for my penis?

I took a deep breath.
Being an up-market hand held cleaner, the Dyson has two power settings, so I selected the lower and switched it on.
By way of a test, I then placed my hand over the end of the nozzle. There was a significant negative pressure that drew the tube onto my palm, but nothing terrifying.
I turned the power up. Proportionally more suck, but again it was easy to disengage my hand.

Oh, what the hell, I thought, and cajoled the first inch of my flaccid member into the machine’s willing orifice.
So far, so good.

I reached for the power button … and pushed.

The hi-tec motor sprung to life.
The air in the drum was expelled.
And my cock was sucked into the machine.
And let me tell you …

… Apprehensive Reader …

… it was not at all an unpleasant sensation!
My helmet quickly disappeared into the hose but not particularly far, as even in my semi-flaccid state it quickly gagged the vacuum.
And then the motor stopped. It seems there are some clever electronics in the Dyson – I guess a circuit that protects the motor from over heating if there is a blockage. Which there evidently was.

Well, I pulled my cock out, I pressed the power button again and the motor spun up, and my knob was sucked back in. (Thank fuck I hadn’t broken it! Can you imagine the embarrassment of taking an electrical appliance into the repair shop and having to explain how you doing the house work naked, when you accidentally tripped, with the unfortunate result that you somehow ended up with your todger in the vacuum cleaner?)
Again, a desirable sensation.
Again the motor cut out.

By this stage, I was getting properly hard. And as you know about my girth, Loyal Reader, you can imagine progress was slowed.
But suck, the hoover still did, and as long as I withdrew within a second or two, its hose would lurch back at my hose.
And so we began to fuck. Me retreating and the Dyson advancing rhythmically.

It felt good.
Actually, it felt really good.
And it wasn’t remotely dangerous.

It would have been better had the machine reciprocated on it’s own, or at least if the pressure fluctuated without the user’s influence (I’m sure someone could design some electronics for that), and making the hose into a soft sleeve would definitely be an improvement. But the experience was enough to give me one of the hardest hard-ons I’ve had in quite a while, (perhaps not surprising when you consider the theory behind penis pumps), I shot my load, and yes, I’d consider doing it again.

Now off you go, Curious Reader, try it yourself or on your partner.

[WARNING: Not all vacuum cleaners are designed the same way. sticking your dick in one could reault in serious injury. Just brcause my cock was undamagrd by this experienc, it doesn’t mean yours would be. If you try sonerhing like this, don’t be stupid: you do so at your own risk!

11 Responses to “Domestic bliss”

  1. I got nervous. I think there was a story about a horrible accident when man used a vacuum. Glad you’re in one piece still!
    http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/914/whats-up-with-vacuum-cleaner-wounds-to-the-penis

    • Thankfully, whilst “the Hoover Dustette [has] fan blades about 15 cm from the inlet” the Dyson DC58 Animal doesn’t. Anyway, I wasn’t doing any housework – I was trying to find out if getting your cock sucked by a machine was stimulating.

    • Yeah, those guys weren’t doing housework either. If only you could attach the Dyson to a pocket pussy…I didn’t say that.

    • Weren’t they? I’m shocked!
      I did think about the possibility of attaching the Dyson to my Fleshlight.

    • Foremost as a safety precaution. Any self respecting cock protector would think of that.

    • Do you think that somewhere in the R&D Dept of Sex Toys Inc, someone has Head of Cock Protection on their office door?

    • Yes and I also think he has to wear a special helmet. On the “seriouser” side of sex toys…On a Ted Talk about a company creating robotics, there was a very siimilar flesh-like tube in experimental phase where some liquid was brushed on it AND IT MOVED on its own. It looked exactly like a kids toy that is a tube with an open tunnel. It’s filled with a gel and you play/ shake it between your hands – or you try because you have to hold it with just the right tension or it’ll shoot out of your hand. The company is in California but I have to bet that that particular “robot” was for a sex doll. I could be wrong : )

  2. OMG — I am afraid that the visuals of stop and start had me giggling. XO

  3. Frank Friend Says:

    It has been many many years since I tried this, but in my youth when self-pleasing was my only way of getting off, I do recall discovering that a canister vacuum cleaner would provide pleasure. I haven’t tried it in several decades now, but I seem to remember that mine was steel and that it did a nice job

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