Fucket list – PS

Many of your number, Dear Reader, will be familiar with High Fidelity, the film starring Jon Cusack. Hopefully more of you will have read the book on which it’s based, by Nick Hornby. For those who are not, Rob, the main character makes lists: not in an OCD way, but rather centred around Top 5s: Top 5 Side 1, Track 1; Top 5 Angry Songs About Women, Top 5 Dream Jobs …

The first list we are introduced to in the book is Top 5 Most Memorable Break Ups – a list of his exes who’s departures have left the greatest mark on him. Through the book, amongst other things, we follow Rob as he attempts to make contact with the women on this list. Not particularly with the expectation of rekindling old flames but rather, since he had just been dumped, out of some need for closure, at least on past relationships. (If you’ve not read the book and this puts you off, be assured this is only a sub plot.)

I’d like to do something similar.
I’d like to fuck my exes again.

(Obviously this is just a Fucket List, and considering some of the other things on it, it is extremely unlikely to happen.) Not because I want to rekindle old flames or have a string of affairs; like Rob, in some cases it’s probably just about exorcising some old daemons, though in some cases I’d like to fuck them to know what my sex life might have been, had my exes not become my exes.


It’s so long since I’ve even heard anyone mention Catherine that I wonder if she would even remember me. Considering she popped my cherry, I should remember her, but did I rank in her Top 5 Most Forgettable Fucks? Considering her collection of motorised phalluses, she obviously had far more idea what that drunken 18yr old was supposed to be doing with his own than I did. But as I denied the incident ever happened, perhaps I rank in her Top 5 What The Fucks? Having the opportunity to acknowledge the fuck, and make amends for my denial would be good. Having a chance to be measured against my first ever fuck would be interesting too. She was not the girl everyone wanted to date, maybe vibrators were her only bedfellows, or did she become the biker chick that every member of her Chapter rode? Would I have ended up constantly having to make way for the leader of the pack and make do with sloppy seconds?

Let’s be honest, I’m pretty sure Sita just fucked me because she wanted to fuck someone. Anyone. That’s what you did in your first year at university. And if it was any other boy who’d tagged along with her friends that night, it would probably have been them that was asked So how many girls have you slept with? They might have answered more truthfully than I did, or they might have slept with enough that she wasn’t so unimpressed as to have to ask the question at all. Perhaps she would have been robbed of breath before she lit up her post coital cigarette. Perhaps because he actually knew what a clit was, maybe he would not have been so unceremoniously discarded. I guess I’d like to fuck her so she knew that I didn’t turn out to be such an idiot, and was actually capable of pleasing a woman in bed, and not just a teenage idiot.

Faced with a persistently insensitive young buck, interested in little other than tits and pussy, it’s little wonder that Elizabeth decided I had to go. She was the first girl with whom I had good sex. Regular sex. The first with whom I had an opportunity to learn. And I shall be eternally grateful to her for that. I’d like to fuck her again to say thank you … and, on a more egotistical note, I’d like to know how I measure up against my less experienced self.

I’m still in touch with Marilyn. She and I are friends on Facebook. She’s married to the guy she dumped me for, and they have several kids. It is with consummate ease I can say that whatever it was that grabbed my attention when I saw her across the bar all those years ago, it is not there any more. I like her, but would I want to be married to her? No. Not really. We never actually fucked, but she assured me I was the first person ever to have my fingers in her snatch, and without any malice, I’d like the opportunity to say here’s what you could have had, had I had the opportunity to thrust my dick into it. Perhaps she would still have moved on. Perhaps I was superseded by a man with more dexterous fingers, a bigger cock, and infinite stamina, and that would be ok. Obviously I’d rather he had had an utterly disappointing sex life, but whilst I hope she didn’t, I’d still like her to know what she missed out on.

Ah, Alice. My first long term love. We had good sex. Not earth shattering, but good. The fact that she was happy to have a book of sex tips given to her by her best (female) friend, and to try many things in it, held great promise. That she was happy to tickle my hole, if not to penetrate it was equally promising at the time, tough I suspect her tastes would have remained vanilla. Of all the women I’ve fucked, I suspect Alice is most likely to be the equivalent of Rob’s ex who queried why he had sought her out – Alice would be the one who, after we fucked would ask you don’t want to get back together again, do you? And for years after I might have been lying if I’d said no. Would fucking her again be good? Somehow I doubt it. Because in the back of my mind would be the fact that I didn’t handle the break up well, and deep down I’d probably just be fucking her to get some sort of closure. A petty victory.

Fucking Geri would be interesting. Her appetite was formidable, and of all the women I’ve fucked I suspect she would have been the one with whom I would have enjoyed the kinkiest of sex lives. We weren’t right for each other, the dynamic was wrong, but we had a lot in common, as well as all the sex. We took a few steps down the perverted road which I have since found I so love to tread, and I think Geri would have been more than happy to accompany me on my journey along Kink Street. Fucking her again would be fascinating – is she still just as joyously dirty, has her taste for kink grown as mine has? I’d be happy to bet a significant amount of money she’s read 50 Shades, and soaked her knickers doing so, and if she hasn’t played out a few of the scenes herself, that would be down to reluctance from whoever she was with at the time, not her. And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she had a wardrobe full of PVC and leather, a set of handcuffs and a leg spreaders, as well as a cat ‘o’ nine tails and a paddle or two. I’m quite confident she will have a modest collection of vibrators, expensive vibrators, possibly even a strap-on, and will still enjoy porn almost as much as I do. Yes. I’d certainly like to fuck Geri again, even if it were to prove I had missed out on a whole lot of fun.

When I fucked The Unknown Kiwi, it was of little consequence to me. Although I don’t think I would have been so insightful at the time, I was just after a one night stand. I got it. But it wasn’t really worth it. The sex wasn’t great, and the way I dealt with the aftermath must have left her feeling used, rejected and possibly bitter. I wouldn’t want to fuck her again, as I shouldn’t have done it in the first place and I wouldn’t want to remind her of what must have been an ultimately regrettable shag.

My best sex was with Fiona. The older woman. My MILF. Scarred by two bad marriages and who knows what else, she had more than a little baggage. Although I would have happily whisked her away from it all at the time, if she still carries that with her these days, I’m not sure I could be the partner she needed. But the sex! I think she would have done almost anything I asked of her. The last time I saw her, she had recently had her mons tattooed and confessed that not only had she since tasted pussy for the first time, she was having another affair and “the anal [was] fantastic!” It certainly had been for me, when she had gleefully introduced me to sodomy, and it was too when her finger was the first to violate my anus. I loved fucking her, and as she was also the first woman to tell me (regularly) how good I was at cunnilingus, I always had the impression that was reciprocal. Latterly I have wondered just how honest she was with me about her age, and whilst I don’t think she will be quite of pensionable age yet, I would still like to fuck her again. And again. And again.

Again, I possibly shouldn’t have fucked Willow, and I wouldn’t actively want to fuck her again. She was a good friend, and fucking her was a mistake. For years after we split up we sent each other birthday and Xmas cards, but as I write this it occurs to me that I neither sent her one nor received one from her in the last year. That makes me feel a little sad and I’d like to be friends with her again. Rather than fucking Willow, I’d very much like to be able to un-fuck her. Make it never have happened. Hey ho. Such is life.

I wonder if Sarah would be up for it. As I understand it, Harvey (her husband, as he became, and I assume still is) thought she was only riding my motorcycle with me, and not riding me. The thing that split us up was their emigrating. She wasn’t particularly kinky, but very, very sexual. She was good fun to fuck too. The kind of fun many of us want in the bedroom. Care free. Hedonistic. Abandoned. She’d fuck for the sake of fucking. And she too said I was good in the sack. Maybe she would actually be happy to go for another spin.

I think Tania owes me a fuck. I don’t mean that in a particularly bad way – a playful way. She kissed and told about how I liked being rimmed, and her friend Bernadette confronted me about it in Tania’s kitchen. That wasn’t fair and I think she should make amends. Don’t you, Dear Reader? Since she took offense at the suggestion she might consider shaving her bush, perhaps she should allow me to do that. As penance. To even the score a little. Hell, I’d happily go down on her after. And lick her arsehole – she certainly liked having my finger up it.

The biggest question of all, I guess, is which if any of my exes would be up for it, and do I feature on the Top 5 Best Fucks list of any of my exes?

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