A – Z

I really can’t rmember what I was searching for when I stumbled across this. What ever it was, I thought it might amuse you, oh Fan of Vintage Baudiness. It comes from Anecdota Americana II (1934) and according to the books editor, represent an authentic source of American proletarian art. […] If the gentle reader still burdened with Victorian hangovers finds some of them difficult to stomach, it might be well for him to strengthen his digestion.

Enjoy …

WPazA A stands for Anus
The invert’s delight;
The back door of wisdom,
The pederast’s rite.
All joys, say the homos
Seem flaccid and stale
Compared to the thrill of
Their own brand of “tail.”
WPazB B stands for Bugger
The rogue of the field.
The ass, bitch and ewe lamb
He forces to yield.
Levitical statutes
Mean nothing to him ….
He’d trade Peggy Joyce for
A friendly mule’s quim.
WPazC C stands for Coint-juice
That nectarine flow
Which diligent drilling
Brings forth from below.
When this divine ichor
Flows fresh from the tap
The bird who won’t sample
Is plainly a sap.
WPazD D stands for Danglers
More coarsely termed nuts,
So dear to the heart of Sedate dames and sluts.
An asset in bed play
Their beauty enthralls,
But it’s not so much fun to
Get kicked in the balls.
WPazE E stands for Eunuch
The safest of men;
This chap is no rooster,
He’s more like a hen.
Devoid of a ramrod
He guards the Suit’s flocks;
And wallows in pure thoughts,
As plump as an ox.
WPazF F stands for Farter —
How tuneful his ass —
Delighting his friends with
Its volleys of gas.
He needs no pianist
No uke, drum’or harp,
His solo notes cover
Low C to A sharp.
WPazG G stands for Gism,
The grandest of goos,
Gelatinous gravy,
Omnipotent ooze!
It shoots from the bungs of
All vertebrate cocks,
And breeds the most varied
Of domestic stocks.
WPazH H stands for Hole-space:
Some Indian squaws
Possess enough room for
At least three papaws.
And dames with sufficient
Square inches of snatch
Bring perfume and jewels home
With never a catch.
WPazI I stands for Inches
The one simple test
Applied by the wench who
Is out for the best.
Though Bonaparte’s musket
Was well under four
Unless you show twice that
You’ll get no encore.
WPazJ J stands for Jockstrap
To hold up the plums;
For gents made of lamb’s wool
And horsehide for bums.
Oh, many a poor egg
At tennis or track
Has dropped half a testis
For lack of a sack.
WPazK K stands for Knobbies,
Like pumpkins they grow,
And droop o’er the valley
That’s spread out below.
These carnal contraptions
Designed for the young
Are prized by old coots with
Naught left but a tongue.
WPazL L stands for Lapper,
Who reaps as he sows
With Ph.D. tongue and
A “sixty-nine” pose.
This twotch titillator
Is much in demand;
He cleans up the kitchen
And thinks that it’s grand.
WPazM M stands for Mink-turd,
The vilest of snot.
“Eat a plate for a million?”
No, thanks, rather not.
They talk about camel dung,
Goose shit and such,
But an adult mink’s load
Can’t be outstunk by much.
WPazN N stands for Nooky,
The tired workman’s joy.
Just cover the face and
Think: “Helen of Troy.”
Though dopes go ill-clothed and
They let their meals slump,
All mankind insists on
Its tri-weekly hump.
WPazO O stands for Odor
The most fragrant rise
From nubian snatches
And balinese thighs.
The impotent diddler
Finds life’s greatest thrill
Just catching the scents at
The base of the hill.
WPazP P stands for Pecker—
The Horn of Affright—
A drain pipe by day and
A weapon by night.
Some peters are nut-brown
Some grey and some red,
It’s reach and not color
They look for in bed.
WPazQ Q stands for Quickee,
A rapid-fire shot;
Great stuff for the back seat
Or studio cot.
No time wasted bussing
Or tickling the dick
Just undo the breeches
And plunge in the crick.
WPazR R stands for Rhino
The fuckingest beast,
All day long he bellows
“Aw, gimme a piece’t!”
His wang’s half a yard long
His balls weigh like lead
The females take one look
Then just drop and spread.
WPazS S stands for Screwing
Victorian way,
The time-tested posture
Lewd minds call a ‘lay.’
It’s true it’s old-fashioned,
The smart set says “nix,”
But they all come back to it
When tired of new tricks.
WPazT T stands for Taffy
The candy of sin;
Bad uncles present it
And nieces give in.
It serves to stuff coozies,
A hard pseudo-tool,
In many a convent
And girl’s boarding-school.
WPazU U stands for Urine,
Low bards call it piss,
Majestically spurting
From each mare’s whatsis.
This aureate liquid
Is bottled and hid,
And passed off as pop to
Some ignorant kid.
WPazV V stands for Virgin
There aren’t many left.
In all of New York there’s
Not one mo thy cleft.
Good-bye to the days of
Untupped quiffs and quims;
A hymen at eighteen
Now brings forth church hymns.
WPazW W is Widow,
Three boxed for four bits.
The Boy Scouts all have ’em
In safety first kits.
Some classy shops feature
Fish hides for a buck —
They break just the same, and
You’re shit out of luck.
WPazX X marks the spot where
The itching begins;
Sometimes on the joy-stick,
Sometimes on the shins.
Sometimes it’s the clap and
Again it’s the gleet.
The worst place to get it’s
The base of your seat.
WPazY Y stands for Yanker,
The self-driving chap.
He greases his pole and
Provokes his own sap.
Absolved of the need of
A quarrelsome wife
He humps himself nightly
And lives a great life.
WPazZ Z stands for Zonite,
The birth control stuff,
They say it produces
An immunized muff.
But down South and up North,
From Texas to Maine
There’s poor gals with twins who
Used Zonite in vain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 Responses to “A – Z”

  1. Fun! I didn’t get it all, particularly the widow, but thought the yanker was food for thought…

  2. Totally laughing at “the horn of affright.” 😀

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