Exit strategy and Internet dating

6 months or so back We had a particularly bad patch. Because I said I’m not going to talk about such things, I’m not going to elaborate, suffice to say it got my head moving off in an unprecedented direction: an extraction plan. What if We were to separate? I considered the logistics: work, residence, pets, employment, parental access, finance, furniture … and sex.

Where would I get sex?
How would I start dating?
And how would I find someone who I liked enough to spend years with?
Before that, how would I find women with whom I could have lots of meaningless but mutually gratifying sex. How would I find women inclined to embrace my kinks and fetishes? And hopefully have some perversions of their own?

The situation calmed, and home life got better. Then it got worse. Then it got better. Then … Well, you get the picture. All along, I was still wondering what would I do if it ever came to that.

Out of curiosity I signed up to a couple of online dating sites. Not because I wanted to date anyone, but just to find out how it worked. If it worked.

I wrote my biogs. I was as honest as I could be and tried to articulate who I think I am and what I want from a relationship.
I filled in the details of what sort of person I though would be my ideal partner.
I answered quiz questions and personality tests.
I lied about my location.
I didn’t provide a picture. (Initially.)
Nor did I pay for full access: it was only an experiment, and I saw no value in that.

I made a point of stating I am slightly kinky (I don’t think I’m very kinky. Do you, Dear Reader?) Why be reticent about this? To go into a relationship hiding a secret that could undermine it has already proved problematic for me. If I were to find myself single again, whilst I don’t want sex to be the foundation of a new relationship, it’s absence or deficiency could be crippling.

I did not specify what qualified as kinky. After all, prior to E.L James publishing her BDSM masterpiece, how many women would have decried D/s as a gender biased perversion too far? And even once they had realised they were turned on by the idea of being tied up, flogged and having sex toys stuck up their arses, how many would publicly deny claims that they were kinky?
So would kink have an impact on the women who might be interested in my profile.
Would it deter contacts?
Would it encourage the sort of perverts I might like to date?
Would it attract the sort of bunny boilers I’d like nothing to do with?
Or would it just prove to be a curiosity?


It took only 3 days to receive around 100 emails. They fell into several categories:
– WomanX has viewed your profile.
– WomanY is 82% compatible with you.
– WomanZ would like to see your photo.
– Introduce yourself to WomanA.
– Sign up for just £928.95 and see WomanB’s photograph.
– Meet WomanC at our local speed dating evening.

The marketing drive was quite relentless.

Whilst I wasn’t prepared to pay £928.95 to see WomanB’s photograph (not even if it showed her wearing a purple latex corset and a strap-on) I figured uploading a picture might be worthwhile. So I found a photo of some random guy on the internet and posted that. This felt a little unethical, but then again the whole process was – for the foreseeable future I had no intention of dating anyone, and to string along women who were even more in need of a date than I was … well, lets just say I wasn’t feeling particularly proud of my actions.

And then I waited.
To be honest, I didn’t have to wait as long as I expected.
I got some unsolicited messages.
I sent messages to women I actually found attractive and who’s biogs I liked, and I got some replies.

Don’t get me wrong, there weren’t hoards of rubbered-up women throwing themselves at me, begging me to tie them up, flog them and stick sex toys up their arses. There were a couple who were just curious. One who politely said thanks but no thanks. And most surprising of all, I got some positive interest from my reference to kink. One suggestion that I was putting too much emphasis on it. I had a protracted conversation about fetish clubs and wearing rubber with another. Three women (independently) had their interest piqued by the mention of  my favourite kink-cafe. This was good news.

Browsing through the seemingly endless list of lonely, middle aged women, I was pleasantly surprised how many women said, through their questionnaires, that they were actively interested in a relationship that included lots of sex. There are plenty who like rough sex (though I guess that shouldn’t be particularly surprising). And for a woman to consider herself as kinky is far from uncommon. Should any of this does surprise me? Considering how delightfully perverted many of my female readers are, or indeed some of my exes, possibly not. Perhaps a barren decade or more has dulled my memory, or reading and/or writing a sex blog does just put one in a certain … demographic. What is reassuring to know is that you and I are not alone, Dear Reader. We might be more vocal about our proclivities, but we are not so different from so many people out in there in normal dating-land.

Anyway …

I couldn’t count how many biogs start with I’m new to online dating, and don’t really know what to say, but here goes. Whilst I empathise with that, it’s doesn’t seem a great opening gambit.
One thing that many women of a certian age say (and by a certain age, I also mean my age!) is that their kids are important to them. This strikes me as somewhat defensive. God help the mister who comes between me and my kids. It’s like they’re expecting men to want their kids out of the picture.

It’s not uncommon to read I’m not here for a series of ONS. It doesn’t reflect well on men that that has to be said, but fair enough.
And then there are the profiles that seem to say almost nothing at all. The approach of the lurker?

Now I dare say men’s ads are just as formulaic, so this is where you come in, Dear Reader and Experienced Online Dater. I know there are some of you with experience of this world – some, I know, use it for casual sex (which is great), some to explore the less beaten side of their sexuality (which may indeed involve getting fettered and beaten), and others in their search for nothing more than love and romance (each to their own). But what I want is suggestions:

What gets a girl’s attention in the word of online dating?

18 Responses to “Exit strategy and Internet dating”

  1. I can point you to some of my posts??

    But don’t use a fake picture, please. Or if you do, say explicitly it’s not you but looks similar.

    • I did say the picture wasn’t me, and explained that I didn’t want friends and family to stumble across my profile and learn I’m into kinky sex. I have since change the pic to one where the person is too far away to recognise.

    • Makes sense. I’ve just had bad experiences with men who use a different picture, versus someone who uses no picture. The latter, you’ll get less attention, but the former opens you up to someone not liking your deception. It’s difficult, for sure.

    • I’ve gone for a picture with no discernible individual in it, as I think I would if I ever used the site for real.

  2. corsetandstockings Says:

    Eloquent writing – so you’ll be fine, your writing is always entertaining and amusing!

    Want more tips? Email me 😉

    (that makes me sound like an Internet dating expert!)

  3. Hello AM,
    I’ve been down the online dating (mating?) path for the same reasons that have led you there and really, the whole thing is fascinating to me. I began on a swinger site, although I’m not exactly a swinger. There I posted no photo and was flabbergasted that men contacted me. I’m afraid of men with no photo.

    When casual sex started bringing me down I joined a more conventional dating site. I’ve had more uncomfortable situations / little accidents / let downs with the run of the mill site. People there are only looking to get laid, which is fine, but the way that they go about it hasn’t set well with me. There is something dishonest lurking there. The swingers are more respectful and don’t try pulling a fast one….minus the condom.

    Voilà…that’s all I have to say about that. 🙂

    Bisous Fairy Blog Father,

    • I’m not sure I would have considered a swingers sight, though I’m not surprised they are more honest.
      I can’t say I’d get go through with the online dating (mating) game for real, and certainly not whilst I’m still married. But I figure if I did, it wouldn’t be only for sex, though I assume you’ve got to fuck a few frogs before you get to pleasure a princess.
      What caught your eye on profiles, or indeed rang alarm bells?
      What catches your eye in a profile

    • Oh I am a very passive online dater. I mainly wait and see who appears. I don’t shop. Like I said, men without photos worry me. I don’t like spelling mistakes or adolescent language coming from anyone older than twenty. There is one guy who always sends me messages in abbreviated form. Instead of, comment ça va, he writes, CC. Or he sends, ???. He is a big turn-off to me. There has to be warmth, humor. I can feel it in people’s words. Or not.

  4. Well, I’ve never done the internet dating and don’t plan to. If I think of that Let’s Go Out website I use… men without a pic scare me too. What are you afraid of? That I don’t like you? Would you prefer I don’t even try? Because that’s what goes on with me. If there is no pic, I just wouldn’t want to try meeting. Too scared.

    Good luck with everything. The marriage shit, the dating sites…
    My advice is: be honest. At least as honest as you manage to be with yourself. As you said so well here: what’s the point in pretending to be someone you’re not? You already tried that shit. If you ever get to dating again, it means it wasn’t too successful, doesn’t it?


    • The picture is a difficult issue, but I take your point. i have two reasons not to post one of myself at the moment:
      1) I’m still married, and this is really just a research exercise at the moment. What if someone my Wife knows sees my pic on a dating site.
      2) I’m advertising the fact that I’m into kinky sex. What if friends or family stumble across my pic?
      The second point would stand, even if I were actually looking for a date.

    • Hey, I totally understand! Not judging at all. Just saying: don’t use someone else’s pic, please! Use a pic of some rubber, maybe, a suit you like, or a flesh light (that’s the name, right?), I don’t know, but not someone else’s!

    • I think it was a stock library pic, and having got this far through the experiment, I certainly wouldn’t use someone else’s if I was trying to date for real. So one lesson learned. Do you really think posting a pic of a rubber outfit or a Fleshlight wouldn’t be too overt? To me that would say kinky sex before any other interest rather than a long term partner into kinky sex.

    • You are right on this. Sorry, I didn’t give it enough thought. Maybe something more subtle, but that still says “you”. Or maybe no kink up front, and just a pic of something you like. Books, music, nature, I don’t know. A motorbike? 😉
      Good luck with your endeavour. I think of you often.

    • Ah. Thank you. You make an un-fucked man feel very loved.

      I’ve changed the pic to one with only a barely discernible figure.

      I have wondered about not mentioning the kink specifically, and leaving that to the standard questionnaire to reveake. (Though sadly although the multiple choice questions have touched on BDSM, they have so far not made reference to latex, strap-ons and ball stretchers. Some people’s notion of kink really is quite limited. )

    • Ha! Can’t count on dating sites to look into kink? Pfff! I knew they were not for me (though my kinks are probably tamer than yours and would probably be mentioned there 😉 )

    • I know I’m biased, but they really should. If they’re going to ask about shagging on first dates, getting tied up, spanking, blindfold sex with a stranger, biting, drawing blood, groups sex etc, why should those of us with other common kinks be less well catered for?
      And I’m sure it would only take a little experimentation to find something eclectic to tickle your fancy. 😉

    • Oh, I’ve got plenty in the ones they ask about, apparently 😉

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