I know I said I wouldn’t but … Pt. 1

When I started to right the following, I didn’t know where it’s going, and to be honest, I didn’t expect it would ever actually get published. I said I wouldn’t write about my marriage or sex with my Wife again, that I wanted to make my blog fun again, and it has become that, even if less frequently. But there continued to be those amongst you, Caring Reader, who would still ask How are things with your wife? Any better? So I documented the ups and downs, of which there have been many, just in case I ever felt the desire to publish them. As I didn’t want to invest too much time in fruitless ventures, some of what follows, both in this and the next couple of posts, is in brief diary form, but together they should bring you roughly up to date.
(It’s probably worth keeping track of the days, so you get a sense of how pedestrian the ebb and flow are. As this post goes to press, we are somewhere around Day 5250.)

Day 5000
(I have no idea if it was the 5000th day that we’d been together, but it is convenient to assume it was something like that. It was some time after I last wrote anything about my marriage. Some time in the spring of 2015, I think.)
It had been a bad weekend. We’d argued about something. I can’t remember what.
Any other Monday morning, and Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, She would usually have kissed me as She left for work. But She didn’t.

Day 5001
Again She left for work without making any effort to kiss.

Day 5002
See above.
The pattern was clear, and the change had been made.

Day 5100
(I can’t say for sure it was 100 days later, but it was something like that.)
In bed.
Her: Can I ask you a question?
I was pretty sure I knew what was coming.
Her: Have we completely given up on sex?
I paused for a long time.
I had. At least I had 99% given up on sex. I’ve been over sexed since I discovered sex. It is at my core. So I’d 90% given up. Or 70%. Maybe 55%. I didn’t want to, but in the last three years, we’ve respectively gone 7 months without sex, them 9 months, and this year another 7.
Me: I don’t know.
She started to talk. I listened. But for a change I can’t recount the conversation verbatim.
She mentioned how when She’d had her contraceptive implant taken out She thought her energy levels would go up, and that (with one other factor which has also been addressed) that She thought there was a window of opportunity.
She wondered if I’d felt it had all got too much and that I had decided it had become too big an issue. Which I confirmed I had. (I used the past tense.)
And She said that She wanted to stop avoiding the question.
And the conversation petered out.

Day 5101
She fidgeted in bed.
I held my breath. Not literally, but damned near to it.
She moved towards me in bed.
I stayed put.
She put a hand out. It kind of touched my shoulder.
And there we stayed for 5 or 10 minutes. No reaction from me. No further advance from Her. Nothing said.
You may think I’m playing a bad hand badly, Dear Reader, that I should be more welcoming of the attention. And you may well be right. BUT!!!!!
We’ve been here before. And neither of us liked it. I won’t be here again. I’ve made efforts, but all to no avail. The ball is in Her court now. If She wants sex … if She wants a sex life that’s down to Her. She needs to take responsibility. She needs to make the effort. She needs to fix it. And I need to see the evidence.
And yes, Objective Reader, you’re probably right. There probably is a degree of revenge in my inactions, an imbalanced apportioning of blame.

6 Responses to “I know I said I wouldn’t but … Pt. 1”

  1. I am glad you are writing about it ( and pressing the publish button). But more than that, i hope it does some thing for you to do so.

    • Mwah!
      Pressing publish feels like a bit of a release. As does the writing. Parts 6 and 7 and anything after are current (at the moment) and I may be the most significant. Not that they don’t echo times gone by. We’ll see.

  2. If she is initiating, maybe you should show some encouragement. You can maintain a policy of not initiating until she does it regularly. But your present response seems to assure a stalemate.

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