I know I said I wouldn’t but … Pt. 5

Day 5236
An hour before the alarm and I’m wanking in bed. Not vigorously, but enough that, lying next to Her, She’ll notice. I couldn’t say for certain that She does, but She rolled over, encouraged me to wrap an arm round Her, and Her hand headed south.
I reciprocated, and She wrapped Her fingers round my cock. I stroked Her back, and Her thigh, but if I tried to get my hand near the front of Her body, my path was blocked. Tits – no. Pussy – no. My arousal – no. Not any more. I backed off.
She said something about how stroking Her back and thighs was good.
My head buzzed with frustration. I wanted to say something. I wanted to make a difference. I struggled to say anything. Somehow I found the words. That that’s not foreplay: that’s a massage and being told No is a positive turn off.
She said that it felt like We’d had sex once and I was giving up after just one stumble. I pointed out that it was two fails out of three and had to remind Her about last night. She thought I was talking about on the sofa, when She’d said it wasn’t make-up sex. Really?! I had to remind Her that, once we were in bed, She’d said She was too tired. She couldn’t remember the exact words She’d used. I’d offered to give Her a massage in front of the TV, but apparently that was the wrong place, and it would have been better in bed. She mused that perhaps She had used the wrong words – that She didn’t really have the energy – but that She sort of had been in the mood. It had seemed pretty unequivocal to me.
More was said.
That We’ve been here so many times before.
That She thought we need to find a balance between what I want and what She can manage. Manage? MANAGE! I said how negative that word was. That I knew we were at opposite ends of the libido spectrum but that was a depressing word to hear.
That She knows I’m ready to go day or night, but She’s not a Duracell bunny.
That I don’t want to just lie back and get tossed off. I can do that myself. That’s nothing more than functional.
Could I see getting a hand job as a step on a path? If I had some vision of a path as opposed to just stepping into a void.
The alarm clock had gone off a while back, and that was pretty much it. She got out of bed for Her shower. I buried my face in the pillow, without even the will to wank.

Day 5237
An hour before the alarm and I’m wanking in bed. Today there was no response. I was certain She was awake, but She made no move. None of the cuddles She wants. I contemplated my customary tea.

The alarm clock sounded, and as She made a move to get out of bed, She momentarily put a band on my back … and then was gone.

3 Responses to “I know I said I wouldn’t but … Pt. 5”

  1. The more you tell her things, the more she seems to say things or touch you. It has to be difficult for you to not get what you want but I hope you keep telling her what you’re really thinking. You have a right to tell her what you are really thinking. It seems to make a difference. She talks more than she ever did.

    • I don’t pretend to understand but it seems to be working just now.
      Perhaps I do have the right to tell Her what I’m really thinking, but perhaps that should be metered by prudence?

      • How else will the change you want actually be reached? There’s just no other way. I think you have that right to say exactly what you think because it’s obviously out of her scope of reference. It’s hard being that open but unless she’s purposely manipulating you into feeling as you do so she doesn’t have to have sex, then she’s not grasping the importance of your free and exploring : ) sexuality and needs. I do think something happened to her to have created these barriers or maybe a strict and shaming religion ??? I’m not asking for answers but not wanting or not allowing “normal” sexual touching seems like a red flag. I wish she could trust and have fun with you. xo, J

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