It’s not so good to talk

Her: It seems like we’re not having sex again. Like we’ve give up.
Me: I probably have.
Her: Why?
Me: Because it’s easier.
We’d been in bed for just a few minutes.
The conversation went on. Slowly.

What follows are some of the highlights, or rather the lowlights:

Her: How has the sex been recently?
I struggled to find an answer that was honest and constructive. My gut reaction was to say there hasn’t been any recentlyIt has, after all, been about 3 weeks since we last fucked. Before I could find something less antagonistic to say, She interjected …
… when it has been?
Still I struggled for anything meaningful to say.
Me: Hard work.
That was the truth. Though it might have been more accurate to add just as it always has been.

Later I asked how sex it been for Her recently. I can’t remember the word She used, but it neither great, nor good, nor even disappointing, but rather something that indicated ambivalence.

There was talk about how, if I initiate, it’s highly likely I’ll face rejection. She asked what had made me feel as though I was being rejected this time.
Me: Really?
I was speechless.
Her: Yes.
I was baffled. I tried to initiate sex twice a couple of weeks ago. First She rejected and then ignored my advances. If She even remembered this, She now seemed not to connect it to my comments.
Me: All this just illustrates how you attach so little importance to it.

There was something about our inability to talk about it.
Me: I can’t.
Her: Why?
Me: Because you’ll get defensive.

She fell back on well trodden ground – how sometimes She’s not in the mood, when She is too tired or has neck pain.
She asked what I wanted Her to do in those circumstances.
I couldn’t answer that. The truth is, make an effort. Sacrifice herself on the marriage altar. Lie back and think of England. Spread Her legs and enjoy the fact that I might get just a little pleasure from Her being happy for me to bang away at Her cunt.

Later I asked her the same question – what should I do when She is not in the mood .
Her: Not give up.
Me: What does that mean?
She had no answer.
If I initiate when She’s not in the mood I get rejected. If I don’t initiate I’m giving. If I try to initiatevwhen I’m ithe mood, I’m quickly going to become a pest. If I wait for Her to initiate … She’d made it clear that somehow that’s not the right thing to do either, though I’m not clear why.

Me: Is anything I’m saying illogical.
She made some comment that diverted the question. It wasn’t about logic.
Me: Ok, do you understand my position?
Her: Yes

Me: How am I supposed to know when it’s worth trying to initiate sex?
She had no answer.
Me: I’m between a rock and a hard place. Damned if I do. Damned if I don’t.
She said it was usually safe to assume She’s not horny when She’s just woken up. Which is a pitty, because I’m always horny when I wake up.

Me: More and more often I just want us to draw a line. And never look back.

Her: How do other couples manage.
Me: Accept misery. Have affairs. I don’t know. But we’re not normal.
We’re not. We are at opposite ends of the bell curve. Neither of us is normal. And together we are certainly not normal.

Eventually the conversation ground to a halt. From being propped up on my elbows, face all but buried in the pillow, I turned my back to Her.
Her hand rested on my shoulder.
We once said we should try make up sex.
Me: That lasted once.
She seemed to laugh.
She moved closer.
I wasn’t in the mood.
The tables are turned.
Her: That’s fair enough.
My mind went back to Her earlier question: What did I want Her to so when She is not in the mood?
I rolled over and put a hand on Her arse. There was little reaction.
I pulled up the hem of Her black, baggy, threadbare nightshirt so there was nothing between my hand and Her skin.
She reached for my cock.
We fumbled for a while. I was determined that my hand was going nowhere near Her pussy.
She knelt up and pulled her nightshirt off over Her head. In the dim light of the bedside clock, She looked good. I reached out for Her tit. She lowered Herself forward so we were chest-to-chest and my hand was excluded.
Her: What do you want? Do you want to be inside me?
Me: If you want.
I didn’t, but I’d take one for the team.
Her: That always feels good.
So I reached for the bedside drawer, scrabbled around untill I found a condom (not one of the thin jonnies – that packet remains unopened) and rolled it on. The spirit was weak, but the flesh was willing.
And I fucked Her.
I didn’t fuck me, because I didn’t want to fuck. I just fucked Her. Again. I performed my husbandly duty and serviced my Wife.
As She rode me, She shifted Her knees up, and reached round for my balls. I reached for Her quim …
I really am a complete fucking idiot some times. I never learn. I know what happens the overwhelming number of times my hand goes near Her snatch. Especially when my dick is in it.
… and She flinched. My hand retreated like a dog that’s been kicked a thousand times.
I fucked on, keen to get this over and done.
I honestly don’t know if She orgasmed. That was my goal, but I certainly had no interest in cumming myself. But we slowed and She dismounted. I pulled the rubber off my cock and threw it into the bin.
Her: Sorry for …
… I can’t remember how She phrased it, but She was apologetic for flinching when my hand went near Her snatch.
Me: It’s ok. It’s not something you like.
Her: Thanks for understanding.
Me: That’s ok.
It wasn’t ok. Do I understand? In done ways, no I don’t. In others, possibly. Is it normal? Not in my personal experience, and if Cosmo and the blogospheres are to be believed, Dear Reader, nor is it normal in the wider world.
Just as a few nights earlier, She didn’t sleep well after that. She got out of bed again, and I suspect She went to read in the study again.

I slept fitfully. Around an hour earlier than She would wake, I got out of bed, went downstairs, and had a cup of tea.
Later at breakfast, our conversation was negligible.

8 Responses to “It’s not so good to talk”

  1. Is this truly the state of your sex life? If so, How the fuck do you live! I love to fuck my husband, and were not even together anymore! Any way he wants I always loved it. Any time any place. I am so sad for you.

  2. I need to go back and get the entire sorry of why she’s lost her libido, but there’s some deeper issues going on here. I wonder what she’s thinking?

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