iCon’t believe it’s cum to this

At Her suggestion, I was e-shopping for condoms, and splashed across the retailers webpage, like a well aimed ejaculation, was a banner I couldn’t ignore …

I’m a low level geek. I quite like tech. And although I like to think of myself as being relatively media savy, I can also be a sucker for the right advertising slogan.

I clicked the link.

Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse? How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions? Frequency? How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year? Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world? [AM: Y’know what, Dear Reader, when my balls have been bouncing against my partner’s arse, how many calories I’m burning has not come to mind very often. And as for whether some guy in Melbourne is thrusting into his boyfriend’s arse faster, longer and more often than I am into my Wife … I really don’t care.]

Welcome to the future of wearable technology in the bedroom. Welcome to i.Con.

i.Con is the worlds first smart condom ring and will be available in 2017 from British Condoms exclusively.

We are sure there’s a lot of questions you have, so, we’ll run through the frequently asked:

What is i.Con? Is it an actual condom? Is it reusable?
No, i.Con is not an actual condom; it’s a ring that will sit over a condom at the base, which you can use over and over again. [AM: Right, so when the banner said the world’s first smart condom, that was bollocks (if you’ll excuse the pun.) It’s actually the world’s first smart cock ring. Right?] It is extremely comfortable, water resistant [AM: Just water resistant? Not waterproof? How’s that going to stack up against a really wet pussy?] and lightweight, you won’t even know it’s there ensuring maximum pleasure and, peace of mind that you can choose any condom you wish to use in conjunction with the i.Con.

How does it work?
Utilizing a Nano-chip and sensors,  [AM: Nano chips an sensors? As a man with a liking for gadgets, describe anything as having nano technology and I’m going to get a semi. Sign me up for a bulk order. ] i.Con will measure and remember a number  of different variables during your sessions. Once your session is completed, you will then be able to use the i.Con app to download your recent data which is paired to the device using Bluetooth technology. [AM: Bluetooth, eh? At least that’s a little more secure than the infamous IoT dildo with a built-in camera that could easily be hacked by a 15yr old, sat alone in his bedroom, one hand rattling away at his computer keyboard, the other hand rattling away at his junk.] Once you have downloaded your data, the i.Con will automatically clear its memory making way for your next session. It’s extremely simple to use.

What about charging the i.Con
The i.Con has an integrated micro USB port so you simply plug the i.Con into your computer or mains and charging will take approximately 1 hour. [AM: I know there are more and more sex toys that charge via USB cables, but do you really want to get cum and juices all over your MacBook Air? And I can’t help thinking a micro USB port is going to be a pretty friendly place for bacteria. I hope it’s a bit more than just water resistant.]

How long does the charge last?
i.Cons energy efficiency is incredible, so each charge will last approximately 6-8 hours worth of ‘live’ usage. [AM: By “live usage”, do they mean “fucking”?]

What does i.Con do with its data? Can I use it anonymously?
Absolutely! All data will be kept anonymous but users will have the option to share their recent data with friends, or, indeed the world. You will be able to anonymously access stats that you can compare with i.Con users worldwide. [AM: And there goes the privacy. Even forgetting that Apple and Google are notorious for data mining from apps on smartphones, why would you want to share your fuck-data with your friends, or, indeed the world !? Maybe you think the world will give a toss how fast your tossing yourself off. In all fairness, I can see some real potential for gender based bullying here, when some little toe-rag decides to share data with his mates after he’s been banging the bird he pulled last night without asking if she miss being outed as a super-fast-slut.]
[…]
So what are the main features i.Con will record?
i.Con will record:

  • Calories burnt during sexual intercourse
  • Speed of thrusts
  • Total number of thrusts
  • Frequency of sessions
  • Total duration of sessions
  • Average velocity of thrusts
  • Girth measurement
  • Different positions used (currently BETA testing – will have more info in a release coming soon)
  • Average skin temperature

[AM: An accelerometer takes care of most of those when combined with time logging, and the recording positions can only really be done with a gravitometer and/or magnetometer to determine changes in direction. Throw in a thermometer and make the cock ring out of some sort of conductive elastomer, and I think that’s everything covered. All of the above are available as SMDs, quite probably with all the necessary transducers in a single package, hook that up to a Bluetooth transceiver and a LIon power source, and Bob’s your uncle. Did I mention I had geek tendencies?] [ED: Is Bob really your uncle or just someone your parents used to invite round for a threesome once in a while?]

What about size? Will i.Con be available in different sizes?
i.Con can be adjusted to suit everyone’s girth using the band adjustment feature. The band adjustment will allow you to flex the ring to the correct size for you ensuring maximum comfort. [AM: My guess is that just means it stretches.] 
[…]
The future of your sex life starts here.

Well, the future of your sex life might start here, Dear Reader, but somehow I don’t think mine will.

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