Lets not rush

It’s now more than 3 weeks since our big fight me choosing to move into the spare bedroom and the heated conversation that lead to discussion of seeing a sex therapist.

A fortnight has passed since She had done some online reading which She thought had some good (largely unspecified) options for self-help.

And it’s a week since She said She’d revisit the online advice She’d read to look for something worth trying before we book time with a sex therapist.

Finally I’ve been presented with three articles She thought might be worthwhile as a starting point for discussions.

I’d already read two of them already. Twice.

The first largely talked about making time for sex. How modern life takes priority and couples with problems don’t prioritise sex.

Firstly, I don’t think we don’t have time for sex. Even if we assume the author is right, and my Wife and I spend too much time at the end of the day glued to the TV, or tablets or books, there have been countless times, especially in the last 6 months, when I have gone to bed early and She has stayed up. There have also been more than enough times when She has gone to bed earlier than me, and when I have got to bed, She has kept reading for at least as long as it has taken me to get to sleep. The opportunity has been there.

Secondly, on a couple of occasions in the last few years, (I have documented them in this very blog) We have tried to schedule sex. But it hasn’t worked. We’ve maybe managed it for a week or three, and then we’ve been back to square one quicker than a quick thing tied to a jet engine.

It is true to say that I have had some part to play in this, as I could have been more active in trying to initiate sex but (again as I have blogged about many times) I gave up trying to initiate sex a very long time ago as my advances were almost universally rejected.

There was mention of one partner feeling under pressure to have sex. For a start, NOT GUILTY! (See above.) And I can easily see that scheduling sex might mean my Wife feels pressured. So we’re back to square one again.
And finally there was the suggestion that comparing your sex life to that of others is a bad idea and few couples are likely to be at it like rabbits for the entirety of their relationship. Very true. But that assumes you were ever at it like rabbits : We are not starting from the same place as the article.

The second article quoted focussed on the old cliché – Not tonight dear, I’m tired.
The obvious place to start with this is that it is a tacit acknowledgement that She’s been too tired for sex. (I know I’ve oft mentioned my own insomnia, but if that has resulted in a diminished libido, mine is still running at 75% compared to Her 10%.)

The article then ran through various reasons why this excuse is used. Much of what was covered in the first article was discussed again, in terms of making time for sex and each other. In addition it mentioned stress management and underlying relationship problems. Both of these are, I’m sure issues for Us, especially the latter, though that inevitably gets towards the territory of Women are from chickens, Men are from eggs.
Failing all this, (and there was the veiled suggestion that couples should just get on  with it and fuck to remind themselves what they’re missing out on) the author’s fall back position was to see a sex therapist.

All very well and good, but conspicuous by their absence were the sections of the article that my Wife edited out of Her transcription. These included discussions of how health and hormones can reduce your sex drive as well as mention of physical sexual dysfunction. And spicing up your bedroom activity was also suggested – different positions and roles, sex not in the bedroom, wearing lingerie … Why on earth, Dear Reader, would my Wife deliberately leave these things out of an article She asked me to read? Especially when the other two articles were supplied to me verbatim.

Finally there was an article I had not read.

And there were points raised in this that resonated with me. Though from my blinkered perspective, possibly not in a way that my Wife may share.

They largely focussed on a break down in communication and respect which, for us, I attribute at least in part to my Wife having trust issues, a destructively skewed perspective on sexual politics, and a reluctance to acknowledge Her part in our downfall. Obviously that’s just my untrained analasys and I’m not remotely as good at diagnosing the underlying causes of my own neuroses.

Perhaps it’s actually me that should be on the couch discussing my childhood and how it nurtured such a ravenous sexual appetite.

2 Responses to “Lets not rush”

  1. Playing catch up. I’ve read a small bit in the past about your issues, but I admit I don’t remember reading when/why is got so bad.

    My brother and his (Now ex) wife tried counseling after a very minor indiscretion of his (that he paid for dearly on many fronts). She never really saw it as beneficial and didn’t really want to do it anyway, which made it useless. You’d think divorce would end their issues, but not in their case. Some people would rather hold to you to punish you than let you go and find happiness.

    • I’m not sure there was a When/Why it got so bad. And the straw that broke the camel’s back was pretty trivial. The causes, I believe, run pretty deep, but I’m not sure how objective I am about them any more. If we get to counselling, we may find out.

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