Pointless exercise

She’s spoken to the counsellors.
Couples are usually seen together. (As I had already understood.)
There is the opportunity for the individuals to speak to a counsellor separately, but for ethical reasons that would be a different counsellor to the one the couple would see together. So as to maintain a balanced discussion.

Well fuck it then.
There’s no point in that from my point of view.
Not completely disconnected discussions.

I’ve said there are things I can’t envisage talking about in front of my Wife, but those are not things that I think are problems with me. And the only purpose of individual counselling could only be about  fixing me or Me coping with Her. (I’m sure coping isn’t the right word, but hopefully you know what I mean.)

Do I need fixing?
Yes, I think I’m highly sexed. No, I don’t think that’s something that needs to be fixed. Fixing that might be preferential to this pseudo-celibacy, but outside the context of Our Marriage I don’t see it as needing fixing. I’ve never needed less interest in sex before, and with the dozen or so other previous partners I’ve had, presuming by the law of averages that they were not abnormal in terms of sexual attitudes and appetites, the problem is not Me.

[Ed: You can stop shouting at him, Dear Reader. We all know that a relationship is about two individuals and it is the relationship that has a problem, not the individuals, and no one needs fixing. Really. Even AM knows that. Really. We think.]

What I won’t say in front of my Wife are things that highlight the sexual void between us and that could be construed as things I think need fixing in my Wife. I don’t envisage a situation where I will talk about…

  • My kinks, fetishes and fantasies. Not the good ones, anyway. I can’t see Her progressing far enough to embrace them, so there’s nothing to be gained by even acknowledging them.
  • The fact that many years ago She described Herself as “sexually repressed” and I can’t see that much has changed. But it’s not my place to tell Her that, because throwing stones at glass houses doesn’t keep the rain out of broken windows.
  • That I fervently believe that Her particular flavour of feminism is destructive in the context of a normal, heterosexual relationship. If you feel objectified by lingerie your husband has bought for you, he’d be a fool to disagree.
  • And what could possibly be gained  from confessing to objectifying women by tossing off over porn.
  • Am I likely to admit to wanking most days? That would only underline how disparate our libido are.
  • I’m not going to mention that I wouldn’t object to Her fucking other men if it gave Her some perspective on what normal sexual relationships are like. Because having had any other experience would be an improvement on none.
  • Am I certain that, in terms of Her attitude towards sex, it is She who needs fixing? Well maybe not fixing per se, but there’s little doubt She has some serious issues about sex.

Am I going to say any of that in front of my Wife? Hell no!
Am I going to say any of that to a counsellor who is not going to talk with my Wife? What’s the point?

Whilst I might be able to say (again) that She doesn’t trust me, it’s going to be tough to say She’s a control freak (Her description of Herself when we started dating). I can’t imagine I’m going to vocalist my belief that She has major trust issues which underpin so many of our marital problems. (And yes, I think they extend beyond our relationship).

Could I say these things to a counsellor, one to one? Probably. But the only way any of that is getting dealt with is if a therapist can see the need themself. And it’s going g to be a bloody expensive exercise if not.

If She makes progress in Her ability to talk to someone about sex (and remember it was She that, as we drove away from a marriage counselling session a few years ago, said She didn’t think She could talk to a stranger about sex …), to talk to anyone about sex, and more importantly Her issues with sex, (however you choose to interpret issues), then perhaps I could see some merit in talking about the things I won’t talk about. But unless Her attitudes towards sex are going to demonstrably change, unless She is able to move towards some kind of middle ground, there is no point in discussing ….

[You’ll have to excuse me stopping here, Dear Reader. I know where this is going in my head, but even trying to write the right words is surprisingly difficult and frustrating and stressful and it’s all getting a little angry, rambling and incoherent.]

7 Responses to “Pointless exercise”

  1. See, this is where seeing a counselor just for you could help. To get the rants out and find some ways to express your frustrations without sounding frustrated. Or to find advice about how to approach it, whether it’s a good idea to do so or not.

    This said, I totally understand the idea of not seeing the couple’s counselor as an individual counselor. But to me their is a difference between seeing someone for counselling, which is long term treatment, and a one-iff meeting so that the counselor can hear both sides before moving forward with the couple.
    I have had my children meet with counselors and I wasn’t present, which didn’t mean that I never was alone with the therapist, nor that we were never together so that I could get feedback/advice on how to best help my child.
    It is worth inquiring yourself.

    Good luck!

    • The choice is in your hands. Trying to see someone individually, see whether it helps or not, or decide you are not sick and don’t need help (and then, no matter how much you claim you don’t want to assign blame… you are already doing it).
      Basically, I guess what I’m trying to say is this: What will help most in finding a solution for your marriage. If seeing someone individually could help with that goal, then why not try it? Unless you need your wife to admit that you’re fine, need to hear, be proven, that you don’t have a problem;
      Or have already given up on saving anything?
      Or are hoping that your wife will realise that it’s all on her? That she’s the only one who needs fixing, and then the marriage will be fixed… which in a way could be seen as you passively assigning blame, not trying to find a solution…

      (Sorry, this is a sensitive subject for me, in a way, a trigger of sorts, as the ex told me for years he didn’t see the point in seeing anyone, HE was fine! Ok, I’ll admit that he even refused seeing a couple’s therapist, or even my therapist to learn how best to help me… yeah, he was an arse! What else is new? 😉 )

    • Please excuse me. I’m not going to read this right now.i will do. And it’s not that I don’t value your opinion … But We’ve just had a FUCKING BIG FIGHT and I’m feeling bruised and I don’t need anyone suggesting I’m wrong right now. Even if i am. And I probably am.
      When I said “maybe”, what I intended to convey was “Maybe your right … yes probably your right …. But it’s difficult for me to say that and it’s complicated and I could write 5000 words in response but I’m sorry I don’t have the energy to do that right now, so … [breathe in … and out…. and in …. and …] …. maybe …”
      I will read your reply tomorrow. When I don’t feel … this? … maybe …

    • Sorry, just started to read the big fight post.
      You know, free advice, worth every penny and that sort of thing.
      Don’t worry, my ego won’t be bruised if you never get around to reading it.
      I just send you a big hug in hopes it’ll help regulate your breathing.
      Please take care of yourself. XO

  2. For one aspect I’m in a similar situation – I have interests and fetishes that my SO has no interest in. One thing I learned over the years is that this is almost like having another relationship – I’m learning and doing things that she has no exposure to. We all have different relationships – with our co-workers, with our siblings, with our friends, with the clubs we may be in, etc. And trying to bridge one person from one group into the other isn’t always successful (or even necessary). Sometimes its better to keep them separate (look what happened in Seinfeld when George’s worlds collided, lol). Not sure where I’m going with this, but the thought just seemed appropriate.

    • The thing that resonates most with me from thati is not even necessary. Of course I’d like my Wife to be as kinky as me, to enjoy my fetishes, or even just to embrace them because I enjoy them, without them being specific turn-ons for Her, but I’d not be unhappy with just having regular, good, vanilla sex. The rubber can stay in the closset (though I’d rather not have to keep it locked.). It would be nice if some of the toys came out, but not necessary.

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