But

It was a big fight. 
She was in a bad place. Unsurprisingly. And She took a metaphorical swing … or three … at me. Unsurprisingly.

I could … actually no I couldn’t. I couldn’t go into detail. I dont have the energy. It’s all but 1:00am and We’ve just done 12 rounds. And Whilst I can and will pick myself off the mat, and I’ll stand for another 12 rounds …. and fuck knows We’ll both fucking need to … I dont want to get back up. Less still to get back in the ring for another 12 rounds.

Excuse the metaphors, Patient Reader.

It was a big fight. Ok?

She was in a bad place. And it wasn’t just Her that swung punches. 

Perhaps I pulled mine. Actually there was no perhaps. I pulled my punches. I have to. Because I can’t turn round and say you’re wrong. I need Her to figure that out for Herself. Just once. Just once without saying We’re both wrong.

I need Her to say sorry. Just once. Just once I need Her to say sorry without saying sorry but … 

That’s not as hypocritical as it sounds. Not quite. It’s probably almost that hypocritical. But not quite. Because I became conscious of Her apologetic caveats a few years ago. And it got me thinking about my own apologies and aknowledhements. It gave me perspective. I’ve tried to analyse every apology I make since, and understand my own responsibility. I’m sure I don’t get it right every time. But I know to try.

And I know not to suffix sorry with but …

And I know if I say it’s my fault, not to say it’s Hers as well. 

And all I want back is some acknowledgement that sometimes I might not be the one who is wrong

Sometimes.

Maybe.

2 Responses to “But”

  1. Stand your ground. Hugs…

  2. Sorry. No caveats.
    I’m really sorry you’re going through this and are in such pain today.
    You need to take care of YOU.
    If I may… the only thing that got me through all those years of marriage was seeing a therapist. Having a place where I could vent freely and know I was not wrong.

    Again, take care. XO

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