11 Responses to “Bad ideas – 4 : It’s not just money that talks”

  1. I actually think it is a VERY good idea. Not necessarily a sex therapist either, but just a therapist to unburden the weight of living in a sexless marriage when one would wish it to be otherwise, the impression of not being heard or taken into account, not respected for who you are.
    Because, from where I’m standing, that’s the impression I get 😉

    • I unburden myself here. In that respect I’m not sure a therapist would be any different.

    • I believe it would. But hey, that’s just my opinion! 😉

    • You may be right. I guess I’m just being argumentative.

    • Well, it’s only fair!
      Plus, I know how scary it is to go see a therapist. Even more so when you go for yourself, not for your couple.

    • Actually I don’t find it remotely intimidating. Talk is cheap and has no intrinsic consequence. I know myself far better than any pro-am listener who has done a weekend course and pays a membership fee just to put acronyms on their letterhead.
      A psychiatrist might be something different, but I doubt they could tell me anything I don’t already know.

    • I think if you go into it with that mindset, then you are right. It’s probably not going to help.
      I don’t know how it works in the UK, but here and in the States, they have to study for over 3 years specialising in therapy before they can call themselves therapist.
      A psychiatrist often has only a vague idea of the power of words and usually only knows drugs. So unless you feel you need drugs, seeing a psychiatrist is pointless.
      As for talk… it has a heeling power you seem to dismiss. It’s not only a matter of knowing yourself, but being allowed to explore it in a safe, non-judgmental environment. And the importance of feeling heard.
      And I may add, being heard as YOU, not the avatar you show us here. Because if there’s one thing I remember from being married to someone who didn’t hear me, is that I never felt heard, and THAT was probably my biggest burden.
      One of the things I learnt in therapy is that you only get out of it what you put into it. And I’m not talking about the financial aspect of it. It is hard work to get better, to accept oneself, rebuild oneself, when one constantly feels dismissed and unheard.
      Good luck, whatever you decide!

    • Maybe I’m being unduely harsh on therapists. To be acredited by BACP, you must graduate from a course that involves “at least one year full time or two years’ part time classroom based tuition.” I’m sure there are some very competant and diligent counsellors out there, but the two We have seen (who were both BACP and CORST accreditted) were, in my opinion, useless. And those I know personally who have seen therapists/counsellors individually don’t seem to have fared much better. But yes, maybe I’m being unduely harsh.
      I have explored at some length it in a safe, non-judgmental environment – that being this blog. No one knows who I am. I cannot remember once being harshly criticised, as opposed to haveing different perspectives offred. And this has all been without need for qualification and cost.
      Whether I am anyone other than who I am online is debatable. I’m sure there are some who woudl say I am, but few people ever see both the hidden and public side of us, so who is to judge?
      I know it’s not simple, and maybe I am over simplifying it. There is another post in the wings, waiting to set free into the autumn. watch this space.
      (And thanks for your continued support.)

    • I will try to explain my point differently: a therapist does not, cannot, do the work YOU need to do.
      If one or more of the couple comes in determined not to discuss some things, then they are not ready to work on themselves/the relationship, and no amount of counseling will do anything.
      When I once was hospitalised, I made more progress in 3 weeks outpatient than some people who had been coming to the same group sessions as me for the past 3 years (and were forced to keep coming; I don’t know what they had done, don’t really want to know). I remember the team telling me that they were amazed at how hard I was working. Because I understood that, unless I worked hard, I couldn’t progress. I couldn’t change how my life looked.
      From what I read, and I’ve read you for quite some time, neither your wife nor you are willing to do the work.
      She likes the status quo. It’s easy having a man taking care of the children and household for no recognition. And who accepts to keep living without being recognised or even accepted for who he is.
      And you… you seem to have decided that the only person who can fix the things you don’t like about your life is your wife.
      You seem to prefer to change who you are deep down than to contemplate other options…

    • I’m under no illution that a solution isn’t going to take considerable work, but there are subtleties in the situation, behaviour patterns, personalities, history and mindsets that perhaps I’ve not sufficiently written about. I certainly don’t recognise your assesment of where She and I respectively stand. (And no, I don’t think I’m in denial on that front.)
      As mentioned , there is another post on this subject (mostly written over the last two weeks) on its way in the next few days.

    • There are always subtleties. That’s where a therapist comes in handy, to handle the subtleties.
      And what you write here about details that may not have come out in your writing… that is exactly what I meant when I said that a therapist would be taking care of YOU, not AM.
      I know how hard and limiting it can feel to write while preserving anonymity. That barrier doesn’t exist with a therapist.
      But again… only you can decide whether you want things to remain as they are (and change who you are to fit with that marriage; yes, you even wrote about how your libido is changing, your interest even in self-pleasure diminishing. I’m not saying this is good or bad, I’m just saying you wrote about it), or what things to change so you can be you.
      And I’m not placing judgment on either decision. They are both equally difficult to undertake.

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