Undone

Three days.
Three fights.
It’s hard to say which was the worst.
In the middle of the last, We sat down to talk.

For the most part, what She felt She got from me was anger.
For the most part, what I felt I got from Her was bitterness and blame.

I had told Her earlier that We could sit down and She could ask me anything.
I meant it.
Anything.
At that moment She could have asked me anything and I would have answered. She could have asked what I was into sexually and I would have given Her a straight, honest and comprehensive answer.
She didn’t ask.
Having sat down, We sat there in silence for some considerable time.

I said the void that between us has grown.
She queried the nature of the void.
Culture, Food, Sex, Politics, Childcare, Identity. The list I came up with was not exhaustive.
She picked on the easiest stick to swing – and swung it at me.

Did I think is it possible to go back to some rose tinted ideal of our past relationship? Press the reset button?
For Me that is an impossible question to answer unilaterally.
She thinks it couldn’t be done. Too many scars.
Did She want to go back to how things were?
It seemed Her sense that we couldn’t precluded any consideration of whether She could want to.
I thought We could, if both of Us are willing and motivated.
That said, on reflection, reset to when? When the relationship was all plain sailing? When exactly was that?

She suggested I need to talk to someone. Someone unspecified. She would not be drawn on who.
The conversation was sufficiently fraught at that point, that I felt unable to suggest She needs to talk to someone, or that, for logistical reasons, I have had to cancel the counselling sessions I had booked.
Counselling hadn’t worked for Us, and She saw no merit in returning to it.
I thought it hadn’t worked because neither of us had gone into it with the intention of fixing our marriage: I vented my frustration, whilst She just sat there.
She mention how We never got as far as talking about sex with the counsellor.
I couldn’t bring myself to point out that that was Her responsibility.
In the wake of the previous fight, She had opined that Her disinterest in sex is biological, implying that is immutable.
There may well be biological factors involved, but I genuinely believe that fails to consider attitudinal factors, not that I was foolish enough to raise this issue. [See also ICD11 §17 : HA00 (.0 / .1 / .2 / .3) and HA40 (.0 / .1 / .3. / .4) ]
More importantly I suggested our mutual sexual dysfunction was symptomatic, not causal.

Only when She used the word Power, and I commented on how it’s a word that’s never previously been used in the context of our relationship, did it feel like there were cracks in the ice.
She thought the sentiment had been conveyed, with mention of Control, Hierarchy and Domineering.
Control is Her word, having described Herself as a Control Freak on various occasions.
Hierarchy is my word, and one that I feel epitomizes the dynamic between Us.
Domineering was another new word, and entirely Hers. She surprised me by using it.

If I thought She was being controlling, could I tell Her?
No.
Why not?
Because I would expect Her to be aggressively dismissive, confrontational, defiant.
She conceded that was not a good situation.

Towards the end of the conversation She thanked me for sticking with it.
We had not run out of things to say, far from it, but it was late and She drew things to a close. (I had tried earlier, when discussions had ground to a halt, but had been rebuked for so doing.)
As She headed for the stairs, I told Her there was something I couldn’t not say.
She waited for it.
I couldn’t say it.
She asked if I could say it if She agreed not to respond.
I still couldn’t say it.
I didn’t say it.
I needed to say She needs to see a someone.

3 Responses to “Undone”

  1. corsetandstockings Says:

    What a sad situation – for all of you
    I feel your pain and frustration…
    Chin up, it’a new year – a new way of looking at things?

  2. […] Not just another sex blog « Undone […]

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