Breaking point

I’ll spare you the details. Or perhaps I’ll spare me the details. They are either inconsequential, or I just don’t want to go back over them in my head. It’s hard enough that any of this is happening. So …

Two big fights in a week.
Fights that have seen my Wife lose control twice, to a pretty unprecedented extent. In both cases, I am confident that any dispassionate mind would regard Her behavior asunsettling at best, perhaps even troubling.

In the second fight, She challenged me to expound on why I’d suggested it might be She who needed to see a counsellor about Herself. When I reluctantly did so, She was utterly and agressively dissmisivre of the suggestion that Her own explicit (historical) comments about Herself indicated that (to use Her phrase) She needs fixing, rather than myself or our child, to both of whom She would quite obviously like to see psychoanalytical labels attached.

Perhaps there are details about the fights that are significant. But I’m not going there.

There is however one glimmer of hope. Albeit one I can only cling to desperately.
She has said She is going to see a counsellor. On Her own.
Even that has caveats though, and as it was said in the heat of the moment, I am not entirely confident that She will either see it through, nor that She will go into it with any intentional introspection. It’s not incoceivable that She could even come out of it only to demand a divorce.

I should add that I’m not suggesting She is necessarily the only one who needs fixing, but if She is prepared to acknowledge to anyone that She might be at least part of the problem, that would indeed mark a sea change.
In the meantime I shall cling to the feint hope that some good may come of it.

 

7 Responses to “Breaking point”

  1. Hugs.
    Just keep in mind: change is frightening, but usually it’s not bad. Well, it can feel like it at first. But as you said: it could be for the best.
    Hugs again!
    XO

  2. Big fights feel awful (last week I wrote about one between husband and I – and I wrote details trying to sort it out – and then I was faced with some guy on Twitter who wanted to make it out like my husband is a bad man so that this guy could feel superior about himself – so there’s one reason not to write details because that guy totally missed the point that arguments are normal and I’m lucky to have a husband who can work through things with me – the guy’s comment made me feel awful and maybe you’re smart not to write details!). All of which is to say, my heart goes out to you. All that adrenaline! I hate the post-fight feeling in my body and I hope you have some release. I’m glad you have some hope to cling to although my own take from being in relationship in which we have both grown and improved a lot over time is that it’s insanely hard work and takes a lot of active commitment on both parts. Anyway, sorry you had to go through that and I hope it works out one way or another. p.s. I hope you go to therapy too and I don’t mean that as a criticism, I think therapy is just really useful for almost everyone — not because we all need fixing but because self-insight and perspective on other humans are beautiful things. I wonder if it would be helpful to both of you to shift away from a “therapy means I’m going to be labeled as mentally ill or at fault” model which sounds quite intimidating. 🖤

    • I know what you mean about internet opinions. They’re inevitably only ever 50% informed, at best, and there’s something about computer screens that blinds us all to context.
      Ironically, I talked some of the fight stuff through with a friend today, and he commented that I display a lot of self-insight.
      I’ve considered counselling, and several friends have suggested it in the past couple of weeks, but between marriage counselling proving ineffectual and confurming some of my general preconceptions about counsellors, wirh my own entrenched self reliance and habitual deconstruction of questions, I suspect I’m not the ideal counsellee. (I can be an irritating bastard sometimes.) Or maybe that’s why I should do it. When I recently almost booked some, I postulated that if I did, my Wife had no excuse not to. So I guess if She does, I may have to bend to my own logic. (Oh bollocks! 😉)

    • Well good luck! And of course, take my own internet opinions about therapy with the caveat that I know it’s a lot more complicated to find a good fit than I acknowledged in my first comment. 😉 (and I know it’s not for everyone) 🖤

    • Obviously you know your internet opinion is immeasurably superior to most.
      Maybe I’m just in denial about me and therapy … hmmm … maybe I should talk to Sigmund?

  3. Good Luck and may you find clarity/peace. XO d.

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