It’s not Her – it’s Her!

I started it. Not Her.
I reacted to Her naïve, optimistic fuck-up.
I tried to walk away.
I failed.
I walked back.
And then I sniped.
I started it.
I failed. Not Her.

And then We

… no We didn’t. We didn’t talk. That would have involved conversation. By definition, something bilateral. Not two monoliths. A rock and a hard place.
We exchanged angers.

I’m not going to justify my … assertons, or questions, or defences.
I’m not even certain I can.
Because I don’t even know whether what I think about this relationship is what I think about it, or just insular, antagonistic defensive, combative, adversarial hyperbole.

I don’t know.
I don’t know what I think any more.
I don’t even know if if that’s true. Or whether I’m just making excuses.

She asked what I need.
The answer?
The simple answer?
A simple Thank you without explicit caveats. Apologies which don’t have caveats. Respect without caveats.

The simpler answer?
A sense of value.
Equality.

Fuck it.
Fuck it all!

And yet the one glimmer of hope?
Her: I’m still trying to find a time with the counsellor.

Thank fuck for that.
Thank fuck!

Just please, for fuck sakes, please can the counsellor get Her to introspect. To deconstruct Herself, and Her behaviours, and Her insecurities, and Her castle walls, and Her rejection of … of …. of … of who I am.

I need to give. Unconditionally. Without being required to do so. [Ed: She has said, on more than one occasion, that that is precicesly what attracted Her to AM in the first place. What made AM “different from …” … though from what She has not said.] But reject that … take that from me … say Thank you but … “BUT” … reject ME … and you kill me … and that which does not kill me slowly grinds me down.
And if I was gone … if She had left nothing of me whole … even then I suspect She would not see Her part in that.

If any counsellor can fix anything … let them fix … Her.

11 Responses to “It’s not Her – it’s Her!”

  1. Communication, even the angry kind, is Key! Be open and honest without being nasty and hostile. When you are REALLY angry with someone, it’s EXTREMELY difficult to be open to their complaints. Yeah, BUT….becomes the first defensive thought. Know that about yours and your partner. Good luck.

    • Peetty much all of the above was communicated last night. I have to put my hand up and say I’m finding it difficult to listen when we fight at the moment. And that’s probably equally true whether it’s bad or good.

    • I COMPLETELY understand that!

    • Been where you are and it truly sucks, but I’m here to tell you that you can come out the other side better and stronger.

    • Im hoping that somehow we can.

    • 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

    • Albeit… if both are willing.
      It is the first time I read AM stating ‘out loud’ how her actions are slowly destroying him.
      AM, I hope you continue to see your own therapist. It helps not losing it in an argument.
      Also, at some point, you’ll have to decide for yourself how much longer you will wait for her to make that first appointment. It’s already been months, if I’m not mistaken?

      Sending positive thoughts that you find peace, soon.
      XO

    • Thanks.
      I’ve not seen a counsellor on my own, and my Wife has only said She actually intended to see one on Her own about a week ago.
      On reflection, destroying is a big word and this post was written in a red mist.

    • I seem to remember reading abot her saing that a couple of months ago. I may be mistaken…
      And sometimes, writing in a red mist is the best way to not let the ego/reason dictate your words 😉

    • There was mention of counselling, but this has been the first expression of intent, let alone actually trying to make an appointment.
      Red mist also has the potential to cloud objectivity, and promote a victim mentality.

    • That is what I am saying. How long before the actual appointment is made, that is an interesting point to observe.

      Having been in a place where I always felt like I had to justify my husband’s actions (or lack thereof), I also know that sometimes, red mist helps objectivity. It helped me stop trying to find him excuses and saying/thinking it was my fault, which I had been conditioned to think.
      But it does not help when you’re trying for Non Violent Communication.
      Either way, to avoid getting frustrated to the point of red mist, seeing a counselor helps…
      Good luck!

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