Bacon and pegging

In the 3 days since I had my introductory conversation with a counsellor, Sandra, it has almost constantly been on my mind. In a good way.
Over the last week or so, I’ve also been working through Sex On The Couch – a BBC3 series where a dozen couples are followed through a handful of sessions with a group of TV friendly sex therapists. Whilst the initial draw was, I confess, the opportunity for titillation, there has been almost none. Somewhat more usefully, there has been no shortage of discussion of the sort of relationship dysfunctions, negative personality traits and destructive behaviour patterns which are familiar to me.

Something asked by both Sandra and the TV counsellors has been What do you still like about your partner?
My initial reaction was I don’t know.
I’ve given it a lot of thought. And whilst I can come up with platitudes, the truth is I still don’t know. And I find that troubling. So I tried to figure out something else: What did I used to like about my Wife?
[Ed: Obviously no one stays the same forever, and it is unreasonable to expect our spouse to be who we married 10 or 15yrs ago, but it is a potentially useful place to start.]
I came up with some interesting answers and many, I suspect, could be rediscovered with some adjustment of work / home / family dynamics.
And in case you’re wondering, Dear Reader, amongst many other things, yes, I did used to want to get fucked by my Wife.

Another question posed by one of the TV counsellors was What do you need from the relationship and what do you want? It felt right for me to add a third category : Need / Want / Would ideally like.
Again I gave it some though, and amongst numerous other things …
I need regular sex.
I want stress free sex.
Ideally I’d like occasional kinky sex.
Nothing particularly surprising there! However, a conversation I had in the last few days with Dawn D highlighted how I can easily separate sex and kink. So when I thought about what I need / want / would ideally like in terms of kink, I was surprised by a realisation.

I don’t need kink. Or at least I don’t feel need is the right word.
I want to be able to enjoy my kinks and fetishes openly. At least in the context of Our relationship. (This was the surprising bit.) I want to be able to hang my g-strings on the washing line next to my Wife’s baggy, boring, black, boy shorts [Ed: or pehaps even the Infamous Red Torsolette?], or say I got my balls waxed when asked how my day has been, or wear rubber when We are together, or bolt on my ball stretchers with Her in the room. I want to keep My Little Wooden Chest Of Naughty Secrets unlocked and under Our bed. That doesn’t need Her involvement, but it would be practically convenient and emotionally comfortable to know there was at least that level of acceptance.
Ideally I would like my Wife to embrace all my kinks, dress up in latex and bugger me with a strap-on, buy me see though pants uk on Valentine’s Day, and occasionally hold the key for my chastity cage. Ideally I would like Her to find some of Her own kinks too, and for us to have fun with them together. I’d quite like my Wife to know about this blog [Ed: We’re not sure that would be entirely healthy, or not without an awful lot of posts first being removed!] and I would be overjoyed if We took part in Sinful Sunday together (even if I was the only one ever to appear in front of the camera). But without a seismic change, none of that’s going to happen.

So is that a problem?
No.
Because …

I like bacon.
My Wife hates even the smell of bacon. So I don’t bring it into the house.
I still enjoy the occasional bacon sandwich when I’m out. And She’s fine with that.
I want to be able to occasionally cook bacon in my own kitchen. To fry up three rashers and an egg, wrap them in thickly buttered, fresh, crusty, white bread, and enjoy it with a mug of sugary tea.
But none of this means I have any need to see my Wife eating bacon, nor that We can’t both enjoy a plate of spaghetti carbonara … albeit without the bacon.

So it is for me with kink.
I feel no need for my Wife to have any involvement in my kinks , but surprisingly I do want the convenience and comfort of my Wife not being bothered by me being a pervert.

———–

Footnote
The first sex blog post I ever really read, and which catalysed the creation of this blog was titled Bacon and pegging. Sadly the blog was deactivated some years ago, and I can’t remember the content. However, as the author was very much sex positive, it seems appropriate to pay tribute to her by using the same post title here. I hope she is well, happy and fulfilled, wherever she is.

7 Responses to “Bacon and pegging”

  1. jcisme123 Says:

    Kudos to you for taking steps towards more understanding of your inner needs and trying to better things for yourself and your marriage, Far too many men out there would seek to satisfy their urges with someone else, but you stay with your wife, sex or not. I respect you for that as hard as it may be for you to remain in a sexless relationship. I kind of understand where you are coming from.. though I wasn’t married to my ex, the last year of our relationship I just stopped asking or even trying for any sex with him. He had lost all his sex drive due to a medical issue. Yes I still loved him, but I got so tired of being rejected time after time…But that wasn’t the core reason why he is my ex.

  2. jcisme123 Says:

    In further thought.. the big difference between my former relationship and your own is that we knew each others kinks, and he even introduced me to some new to me ones. Hell, he’s the reason I joined Fetlife. 🙂 And he’s the first man I ever pegged and was a domme to. Oh the memories!!
    I really hope that someday you can get to a point with your wife to be able to share your kinks with her and she will accept them even if she doesn’t share them with you.
    I can’t imagine it’s much fun having to keep them hidden all this time.

  3. I don’t think it is surprising at all. I mean, who wouldn’t want the person they’re married to to know who they really are deep inside? And yes, your kinks are part of you. Does it mean that you want to impose them on your wife? Of course not, if she’s not into them. But at least, you need to feel like you won’t be judged for having them. Because love should be unconditional. At least that’s how I see it.

    It’s a bit like my kid asking me the other day “Does The Dancer know you’re Bi?”. Well, yes, of course he does. I’m lucky that he not only accepts me as I am, but also supports me in experimenting in that area. Of course, I didn’t tell my kid THAT bit!
    But this is where I see the big difference between The Dancer and the ex: The Dancer knows about all of my likes, wants, kinks. The ex just wasn’t interested in figuring out, or even learning, who I am, he only wanted to make me who he wanted me to be.

    And I think it is important, I would even say vital, that you don’t have to hide from the person you share your life with.

    But I’m really glad you wrote this post. I’m glad you managed to express what is important to you. I’m pretty sure your therapist will be impressed!
    XO

    • Vital? No. We all hide things, and for different reasons. Sometimes it’s not for ourselves, but rather to protect others. Just like you didn’t tell yiur kid about your experimentation. You’re hiding part of you for their sake.
      Greater love hath no man than this, that he closet his kinks for his spouse.

    • I agree. But what about the love you feel your spouse is giving you, that makes you fear how she’d react if she were to find out?
      What I’m saying is, it’s normal to hide things from others. My kid asked me the other day if my parents and siblings knew I was bi. I said no (my response was so quick they were surprised!). Upon deeper conversation about this, I explained that, for now, I had enough troubles, I didn’t need the possibility to add more. But that, if I were to fall in love with a woman, then I’d tell them.

      So what I’m saying is, I believe you don’t need to have your spouse do anything about your kinks. But that they know who you are, the real you, and love you anyway? What a powerful proof of unconditional love!
      For now, you are afraid of their reaction, and/or how this could impact your marriage and possibly the following divorce. Right now, you feel the need to protect yourself from your spouse. At least, that’s what it feels like from this side of the screen, even if I’m aware that some of my own story may be seeping into my reaction/words.
      In other words, I don’t believe it’s vital that your wife knows all about your kinks, but for you to truly live happily, I believe she’d have to be at least understanding and accepting that you have some.

      And I hope I gave you lots to discuss in your next counselling session, even if it’s starting with “there’s this lady I know, she told me things that infuriated me, because they’re not true, so far from the truth” 😉
      XO

    • Whilst you may be right about the consequences of outing my kinks, it is imperative to consider not only what would be ideal for me (whether it is attainable or not), but also what is good for my Wife, the marriage and the family. It is also essential for me to consider what compromises I should make, irrespective of what accommodations others should make for me. And any relationship counsellor would agree with that.
      I’m not seeing a counsellor to fix my Wife or our marriage. If there’s one question I am obliged to examine, it is (as said befire) Am I the arseholes? The answer may be No, but equally it might be Yes.

    • You are very right to see a counselor for YOU, not anybody else. The thing is, as I’ve learnt, when you ‘fix’ you, then you change. And that change affects the balance of the family and marriage. In a good way, for you, because you decide to stand up for what is good for you.
      As for being the arsehole? My experience is that those seeking to answer that question rarely are.
      Whether you decide that outng your kinks is a good thing for you (and wife and family) or not, it will bring you the peace needed to accept that you don’t want to out them. In that, it makes you the actor (I decide) rather than the victim (I cannot because of someone else). And that in itself is healing.
      As for your sentence “any relationship counselor would agree”: first, I’m not sure it’s entirely true; but most importantly, you’re not seeing a relationship counselor, but an individual one. As you said… to fis YOU. And THAT would be there main focus…
      All the best! XO

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