I’m not sure that helped

I’d spent 3 days away from home. Hiding. Licking my wounds. Being angry. Running through stuff in my head. Then running through it again. And again. And again. It wasn’t always the useful stuff my mind kept getting sucked back to. And I felt hurt. And sad. And lonely. And free. And lost. And wanting to be at home. But not wanting to go home.

I spent 3 days talking with friends. And travelling. And sitting still. And travelling some more. And staring out into the distance. And walking along empty paths. And realising that without my family, and my obligations to them, I’m not sure there is much else. Maybe that was just the melancholea talking, but there was a hole where each of my family members should have been. Including my Wife.

I missed my family. I like the shape of my family. I don’t like the colours with which it is painted, but I like it’s shape. And I wanted to go home. But I didn’t want to go back.

The friends who I saw were supportive. There was some surprise on their behalf. And some lack of surprise. There were some opinions that concurred with mine, though some that challenged me. There was support.

And then I came home.
There was some evidence to suggest that was sooner than expected.
I didn’t expect balloons and banners. And I didn’t get them. From anyone.

In the evening We talked briefly.

I shared most of what I had felt whilst away (as above).

She had come to realise just how much anger there was hanging over us, and it had felt good to not have that presence.
She didn’t have the sense that things would just sort themselves out as She had used to.
She didn’t know if We were saveable. She didn’t know if it was too late.

Did She want to save the marriage?
She didn’t know. She didn’t know what it was any more.

Did I want to save it? Was it more clear cut for me?
I said I did – I thought – and that I am prepared to put the work in to try to make it work.

She thought there was value in us seeing counsellors both separately and maybe together.

The conversation faltered.
Was there anything else I wanted to say?
I thought that, whilst I was away, I had other things worth saying.
What little that came to mind now, Dear Reader, didn’t feel right to say.

I hadn’t expected to come home to a welcome party. I hadn’t wanted to come home to have the conversation We would inevitably have, and were now having. But I don’t think I had expected to feel the ground beneath me was even less stable for it.

I do want to save it.

She was glad I was back.
That was good to hear.
I don’t mean it was good good, Dear Reader. It wasn’t as if it gave me hope. But at least it wasn’t bad bad, and stepped back from the precipice She seemed to be walking Us towards.

I guess if you’re going to poke a stick into a fire, you have to expect something to happen. Spraks. Flames. Embers. Burns. And fires are unpredictable.

I had resolved, Dear Reader, to say what I thought I need. In the end I didn’t as, on reflection, it still felt like She was holding all the cards.

Had I stayed away too long? Had running away ignited the wrong fuse? Had the Me shaped hole proved smaller than I would have liked to think?

If the marriage is to survive, or be rebuilt, it is certainly not going to happen over night.
Play the long game.
Play the long game.

5 Responses to “I’m not sure that helped”

  1. corsetandstockings Says:

    The long game…
    That means your offspring leaving home sooner than you can imagine (their teenage years vanish in a flick of a switch) and that will leave just you and Her and whatever is left of your marriage…

  2. I don’t know if you pray, to God or the Universe or anyone really. But what helped me was to sit and ask for a sign. And when it came, I knew this was the time to have the talk.
    For you, it could be ask for a sign to know what you want to happen, and when to say it.
    The long game is tiring. But it can be worthwhile if both really play it together as a team.
    Good luck AM

  3. What is it you truly want in life? With or without regards to your family, without them who are you? I don’t know what you’re going through, or what happened but it does seem as if you’re lost.

    • I doubt I want anything that different from most people, or not in terms of the basics.
      What I’ve been going through is incremental marital erosion, and in the last few days just it has just been straws and camels backs. Browsing through Fixing a broken marriage will give you some idea of the chronology.

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