Unusually, the next morning I joined Her at the breakfast table.
I had a request, or two … or suggestions. It turned into my thoughts on a way forward in general, though I made effort for it not to be just the spewing forth of my overnight rumination, and to make space for Her within the conversation.
My language, my turn of phrase, felt uncommonly cumbersome. Words I would usually use with precision felt like the wrong tools for the job.
As inarticulate as I felt, …

Joint effort
Deconstructing our own thought patterns is probably best done separately, but if we are to deal with Us, that is better done together.
We were in agreement.

Sooner rather than later
Whilst I realise that I have a head-start on individual counselling, I feel it would be best if We can prioritise couples counselling.
We agreed that the nettle needs to be grasped.

Permission and choice
Is it OK if it is Me that shortlists potential counsellors?
The two we have seen previously, have been chosen by my Wife, and whilst I acknowledge that I had the opportunity to accept or decline, I’m not sure either would have been counsellors I would have shortlisted. [Ed: There seems to be little difference between many, going by listings on Counselling Directory websites, but considering the importance AM places on a regular, high quality fucking in a successful relationship, it is at least prudent to search for support form counsellors who regard themselves as sex positive. Even if He is wary of being explicit about both that and His personal tastes at this stage.]
As I tried to explain my reasoning (or at least the non-pervert aspects of it), She stopped me, and yes, that was fine.

Jointly and separately
Whilst I understand that in couples counselling, the counsellor needs to remain impartial, I genuinely believe there is merit in seeing the same counsellor both jointly and separately. For example, if the couple has communication issues, as We seem to, and/or there are things each party struggles to raise with, or in front of the other (even with a counsellor present), it is difficult for the counsellor to know what is going on under the surface. [Ed: Just one example of this would be AM’s kinks and fetishes. As long as His Wife no longer seems comfortable with even vaguely sexy lingerie, let alone cunnilingus or vibrating cock rings, there seems little point in outing His love of latex clad strap-on sex. But it may well be worth the counsellor having a sense of the depth of sexual divide between AM and His Wife, Hell, that may not even be insurmountable!]
She asked if I knew of anyone who might work this way, at least in the short term. I do, but not locally. I can do some research.

She had seen reference to some couples counselling that could be done in intense sessions. Two whole days (or more), rather than an hour a week.
Both of us have felt that, on occasions, an hour long session has been absolutely as much as we wanted to endure, whilst on others it has meant just scratching the surface without adequate examination.
On reflection, I don’t think it’s quite that simple, but I shall endeavour to short-list such options.

Those were my main thoughts. But I now felt the need to communicate a couple of less immediate points of note.

Pointy sticks
In the last few months, when thinking about Us, what is wrong, and how to fix it, I have found it easy to blame Her. Whether or not that has been legitimate has been increasingly difficult for me to judge; the possibility being that, rather explanations, I have just been finding metaphorical sticks with which to beat – ways to score points in my head.

A dangerous analogy
It is oft said that many suicide attempts are not intended to be successful, but are rather cries for help. I have found myself (independently) rationalising that, the last few days notwithstanding, my threats to leave have possibly been analogous to that. I haven’t wanted to leave, but (and She finished my train of thought for Me here) I had felt the extremis was necessary to get Her to pay attention. I apologised for this and She apologised for having made Me feel like that was necessary.

The previous night, I had felt awkward about using the phrase fix our marriage, opting for the only nominally less awkward make things work. On reflection, I wondered whether it was better not to think of rebuilding or saving (as I think She had described it) but rather that it would be better to consider it as building something new.
The idea seemed to make some sense to Her.

Paradoxically, for all My Wife’s proclaimed gloom and lack of expectation, along with Her analysis of Me having a negative outlook, it seems We both regard ourselves as eternal optimists. Things can only get better.

Which brings me to my day’s work.
Starting to piece together a short list for a long job.

2 Responses to “Reboot”

  1. That’s a helluva a reboot AM!

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