Again and again

I couldn’t remember what we’d been talking about when She got irritated and confrontational. She had had a crap journey home from work and it was just symptomatic of Her bad day. Or so I assumed.
But it wasn’t OK to take it out on me.
I am not Her punch bag.

Thankfully I was on my way out for the evening, and as I noticed myself withdrawing from the conversation, I hastened my departure.
Thankfully the house was draped in silence and darkness when I got home.

Come morning, I asked for a Dr Ruth moment. She had been aggressive and grumpy. I acknowledged there may have be mitigating circumstances. But I am not Her punch bag.
She had felt I was unnecessarily trying to tell Her how to do something.
I didn’t remember exactly what I had said, so was unable to reflect on Her perspective directly, but I’d try to be aware.

It was a wholly dissatisfying conversation. It had not been in the format of Imago, and had ended on what felt like two people just being still pissed off at each other. Where we are supposed to feel our perspective has been acknowledged and heard, my Wife’s response had felt retaliatory, and I had backed down and apologised. Maybe I’d been in the wrong all along.

FUCK!!! NO. THIS IS NOT RIGHT. THIS IS NOT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO WORK. THIS IS JUST THE SAME OLD FUCKED UP DYNAMIC. FUCK!!!

When She came back into the room, I explained my dissatisfaction, and how I felt the lack of adherence to the Imago format had lead to a bad outcome.
She agreed. It had been a long day, She had felt as though She was having to meet the demands of the whole family simultaneously, She had only just got through the door. But She apologised as Her response had probably felt like fighting back.
It had, and again I had ended up questioning whether I was in the wrong all along. Again.
She apologised again.
Silently, I hated Her again.
She said We’ll get there, offering hope.
Silently, I didn’t care. Again.

My head was down. Physically and emotionally. I didn’t want to engage with Her. Again.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Nor was a marriage repaired in a week.

 

3 Responses to “Again and again”

  1. At least now you are acknowledging the problems. And asserting yourself. And that is a major step, AM. How she responds to it is her choice. But you are taking care of you, for once. Practice makes perfect, so keep practicing XO

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