She can use me, but not use me.

I had felt like She had used Me as a punch bag.
I had assumed She’d had a bad day and was taking it out on Me.
I was wrong, but even if I had been right …

It’s not OK for Her to use me as a punch bag.

There is, however, a paradox.

I am Her Husband. I am there to support. I am there to give Her what She needs. If She needs a way to let off steam, I should make that possible for Her. I should protect Her from the world* and protect the world from Her. If that means I need to take the hit from time to time, I should be happy to be used for that purpose.

But it is not OK for Her to use me as a punch bag.

For a punchbag is only ever used.
There is no opportunity for a punchbag to say Stop.
There is no after care for a punch bag.
There is no consideration of the punch bag’s perspective.
There is no consent on the part of the punchbag.
The punch bag only exists to take the hits.

But … and here is the big but …

I am happy for Her to use me to release pressure. As a stress relief.
I am not a punch bag.
She cannot use me as a punch bag.
But She can use me.
She can use me as a fuck toy.
Maybe that’s me imposing conditions on help, but if She needs to vent, to be mindless, and self satisfying and utterly self absorbed, if She needs to escape, if She needs nothing but stress relief and needs that without having to think about someone else, She is more than welcome to use me. She can fuck me with only Her pleasure in mind. She can seek out Her orgasm, Her release, with complete disregard for mine. She can regard me as the whore whose body She has procured. And I will be the grateful whore, gratified by the knowledge that She feels better for having used me.

But I’m not a punch bag.

*Before anyone gets on their high horse about the myth of male protection and patriarchy, 1) they should go read another blog, because 2) for me this has absolutely nothing to do with gender – it’s about partnership and looking after each other, and 3) it works in both directions simultaneously without privilege or presumption – She should look after Me as much as I should look after Her, and 4) see #1.

One Response to “She can use me, but not use me.”

  1. I like your fine prints…
    And you are right, you are not a punch bag and she should never consider you as one.
    She should want the best for you like you want the best for her. So if she uses you, it has to be because you agree, and because she then acknowledges the present you gave her by letting her do that. There has to be an acknowledgment of some kind, I think, for it to work. Otherwise (I speak from my experience, which is different from yours, I know, but… ) even being used as a fuck toy is not going to feel good soon enough. It’s going to feel like rape. Because you’re not a blow up doll either. Neither punching bag nor blow-up doll.

    But this post was a good exercise in assertiveness, and I am glad you are doing it more and more, as well as more easily, it seems.
    XO

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