Sinful Sunday 460 – Grown-up

Back at the family home, alone, for the first time in many, many years. This is where I grew up.

It’s odd being back now. It’s odd being here alone. Somehow there is still a sense of having to behave. As if a grown-up might walk in at any moment and reprimand. That will not happen now, but there still feels an obligation to be respectful.

Sometimes, when I misbehave, I have to remind myself that I am a grown up. I am this grown up. And I am entitled to be who I am. I have a right to be sexual, and that is not misbehaviour.

When I lived here, being sexual felt like misbehaviour. There was never overt disapproval of sex – there just wasn’t ever any mention of it. Ever. Had my parents known about my teenage stash of porn mags, or my twice daily wank habit, it’s hard to think how they would have reacted, if indeed anything would have been said at all. But it most certainly would have met with disapproval.

Now, here alone, there is no one to disapprove. I am the only grown-up here.

Sinful Sunday

This wallpaper dates from before I had grown up. I had discovered masturbation, porn and had an embryonic interest in fetishism years before (though I had no such label for it at the time), but I was still more interested in planes then pussy. Despite having left home more than 20yrs ago, like most of the house, this room has never been redecorated. I’d estimate I wanked over more than 100 porn mags and came between five and six thousand times in this room. All alone. I did a lot of growing up here.

Now I’m back. Not much has changed. So much has changed.

14 Responses to “Sinful Sunday 460 – Grown-up”

  1. It’s so very nice to see you back. I’m afraid it’s under heavy circumstances. **HUG**
    I truly love the picture. First, because of the setting, LOVE the wallpaper! Secondly, because of your realization that you are an adult with completely natural needs and desires.

  2. From your words it seems you have come to a crossroads in your life. Sometimes going back to the beginning is what we need to find ourselves again. Nice image!

    Rebel xox

  3. I love the wallpaper and I know what you mean about the feeling that things change but don’t. Sometimes we feel the younger person we once were rather than the adult we are meant to be. 🙂

  4. Hugs…. This sounds like a tough time but it is lovely to see you back on Sinful Sunday

    Molly

  5. Your post reminded me of the song by Miranda Lambert, You Ca’t Go Home Again. In particular the following lyrics…

    You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
    I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am.
    I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
    This brokenness inside me might start healing.
    Out here it’s like I’m someone else,
    I thought that maybe I could find myself.
    If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave.
    Won’t take nothing but a memory
    From the house that, built me.

    I hope you find yourself. xo

  6. quinnrhodes Says:

    This is an incredible photo – you’ve captured your words and feeling so well in this shot.

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