A wait lifted

Excuse me, Dear Reader. I’m not sure I quite have the strength to write this post in the detail it might perhaps merit right now. It’s been quite a 48hrs.

First there was the session with Kirsty, our relationship counsellor, when the thorny issue of sex was finally acknowledged as something that is a key to Us staying married. God knows I’ve had to wait long enough for this conversation, despite repeated attempts on my part.
Then there was yet another fight the following day. It was about something entirely different, and followed the usual pattern – a grievance met by a counter-grievance followed by silence and withdrawal from all dialog.
And finally, today there has been an individual session for Me with Kirsty.

Kirsty wanted to pick up from where we had left off at the end of the last joint session. The session in which it had been articulated that my Wife cannot consider sex until the rest of the relationship is fixed, and I see no point in addressing everything else unless I have at least some hope that We are actively working towards a future that includes sex. Even if that is not achievable, I need to know it is the aspiration.

And from there, Kirsty learned what Our sex life has actually looked like. Which included, but was not limited to …
The rejection.
The difficulties.
The control.
What has been permitted.
What has not.
The difference in sexual histories.
Wishing my Wife would fuck several other men.*
The pressures.
The politics.
The predictability.
Initiating sex.
Chocolate body paint.
Erotic fridge poetry.
Giving head.
Getting head.
Wet pussy.
Being good at sex.
Some in explicit detail, some less so.
All from My perspective.
Much of it being noted down by Kirsty, and not an insignificant amount with her eyebrows raised.

It was impossible for me to relate all this without feeling like I was saying it has all been my sexually broken Wife’s fault. Kirsty assured me that I had been responding to her questions, it was not just Me blaming my Wife and it was all important information which she needs to have at her disposal. Equally, She acknowledged that my Wife’s perspective might be different.

The relief at finally having the opportunity to talk about this stuff with a neutral party was palpable. It’s obviously been a conversation that has been boiling inside me for a very long time and, with the lid finally off the box, I was near tears. Someone else was acknowledging that it was reasonable, indeed necessary for the sake of balance, that what I need from the relationship, and indeed what I need as part of the counselling process, has to be considered simultaneously if We are to move forward. So We need to talk about sex. Now.

Moving forward, at Our our next scheduled joint session , Kirsty has proposed addressing the current imperative of dealing explicitly with sex. After that, she would like to have a further conversation with Me about My sexual past, as well as having one or more such conversations with my Wife, and that these conversations would obliviously be in individual sessions.

Naturally, this may not fix Us, but rather move us towards a resolution, together or apart. Possible outcomes are,
1) We agree that We are at least aiming to move towards (what I, and possibly you, Dear Reader, would rearguard as) a meaningful sexual relationship … which may or may not be achievable.
2) My Wife may not be prepared to have intimate, detailed conversations about sex with Kirsty … in which case Our Marriage is over for Me. If She isn’t even prepared to talk about what I need until She has got what She needs, that again is symptomatic of control issues and simply isn’t fare.
3) It may lead to my Wife expressing the expectation that She cannot conceive of having a sexual relationship with Me (or anyone else) ever again, whatever else We might be able to repair … in which case Our marriage is over for Me.

So it’s not all roses. Pandora’s box is about to be opened, and what it contains remains to be seen. But in the meantime, a weight, the like of which I have not truly appreciated before, had been lifted.

* AM is not remotely aroused by the idea of his Wife fucking other men, but He has long thought it would be useful for Her to a) get to know what sex She likes, b) gain an understanding of what is generally regarded as normal sexual behaviour, c) realise the AM is actually a very considerate lover and d) if his previous partners’ feedback is to believed. reasonably competent in the field of female pleasure.

6 Responses to “A wait lifted”

  1. I could feel your relief and it brought tears to my eyes. Wherever this goes, know you are important and deserve to be heard, happy and have your needs met too. Strength be with you both.

  2. I’m thinking of you AM. I hope that things work themselves out one way or another. You deserve some peace.

  3. I’m just managing to catch up on how things have been going for you, AM, but I’m so glad to hear that you were able to open up to Kirsty and let all those thoughts and wants that have been pent up within you for so long. That’s a big, and a brave step. I have had one or two similar instances of speaking something I’ve been holding onto for a long time with my therapist, and so when you described that feeling of relief like being on the verge of tears, I really felt that! The feeling of releasing those weights you’ve been carrying is huge. I’m so glad for you that you could do that xx

    • Thanks Jupiter.
      I don’t really think of it as brave, but yes, I guess there was an element of opening a pressure valve. Which is odd, because I’ve been far more open on my blog.
      Sadly, without such conversations including my Wife, I’m not sure they really helped any. It’s all still bottled up.

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