It took more than 20 counselling sessions to get to the big stuff.
With two such sessions under our belt, there was perhaps some sense of progress, but my belief that what We respectively want from a marriage may yet prove incompatible, insufficient to sustain Our’s, and divorce may yet be the most logical way forward … this seemed to come as a surprise to my Wife.
We stumbled through the first half of the session, throughout which I knew there was an all too familiar elephant in the room.

Although I know it needs addressing … indeed, I require it to be addressed, probably more than my Wife does … I didn’t want to go near that topic. For reasons too complicated to fall within the scope of this blog, it is profoundly and perversely difficult for me to broach the topic.
Somehow it seemed that Kirsty, our counsellor, was almost as reluctant to reach for the baton … or perhaps she has failed to appreciate its portent … or perhaps being aware, and an experienced counsellor, she did not wish to drive us down an path so fraught with hazards.
Paradoxically it was my Wife who tentatively brought the subject up.


By this stage, there were just 20min of the session left. Barely time even to acknowledge the need to talk about sex.
Certainly not enough to even scratch the surface.
There were cursory questions.

During our years together, when had We respectively felt our physical relationship had been fulfilling?
My Wife recalled when, in the early days, before We were living together, and explicitly before We became parents, We would stay in bed, together, and intimate, until midday. (Off the record, Dear Reader, my recollection of those early days is one of frustration at the painfully slow progress We made towards actually having sex. But I was aware that my then Girlfriend had never fucked anyone, and I believe I was both patient and understanding.)
In contrast, I could remember instances when the sex was ok, but with one exception, no coherent periods of time. That one period of time was around 4yrs into parenting. (Again off the record, that was the time this blog started, and I was consciously trying to reinvigorate our sex life.)

What do We think of as sex ?… Is it exclusively penetrative, or other kinds of pleasurable physicality, and where does basic intimacy fits in?
My Wife and I seemed to be on a nominally similar page – sex is more than fucking, it is separable, but also something more than physical is imperative. [Ed: It should come as no surprise, Dear Reader, that even for AM … nay, especially for AM, satisfying sex is far more than sticking His dick in a wet hole and getting a chemical high.]

What do We envisage for the future?
And this is were things took a turn.
My Wife said, Right now, I don’t care about sex any more.
Maybe those weren’t Her exact words, but they’re pretty damned close and both don’t and care were absolutely and sequentially in Her phrasing.
She reiterated an assertion from a previous conversation (I think with Kirsty) that She can’t even consider Sex unless everything else is fixed.

And all that was ringing in my ears, as our marshalled hour ran out, was two words.


The next day was all but conversation-less. And what conversation there was focused on just that issue.
My Wife cannot consider addressing Her lack of libido unless everything else is fixed. [Ed: Although She denied saying everything.]
Meanwhile, I cannot see a way forward if sex isn’t a positive, committed aspiration for the foreseeable future and beyond. I cannot go through the next 30yrs in a sexless relationship, and see little value in battering our way through the other barriers to Us having a successful relationship just in case sex might be on the cards.

Which will bring us, at our next counselling session, to a crossroads.
It is genuinely not intended as an ultimatum, or a threat, but …
If my Wife is not actively motivated to work towards a physical relationship with includes but is not limited to regular penetrative sex, then at least one of us needs to find another partner, and this family has run it’s course.

2 Responses to “Crossroads”

  1. Reading your wife’s recollections about when the physical relationship had been fulfilling, coupled with reading your notes on it … doesn’t this say it all? Reading this was an a-ha moment for me (as an interested bystander with only part of the story) … to understand that these wildly different perspectives are your foundation. I hope that’s not too nosy to say.

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