Archive for the Random stuff about sex Category

I won’t tell if he won’t

Posted in Random stuff about sex with tags , , , , , , , , on August 15, 2017 by Accidental Masturbator

My phone buzzed in my pocket, alerting me to a text message.
Darren’s SMS: Are we still on for tomorrow?
My SMS: Absolutely.
A week earlier I’d arranged to meet Darren to chat about helping him out on a job. When we’d exchanged emails,  I’d suggested I knew a cafe just off Oxford St, though hadn’t been specific.
(Don’t worry if you don’t know where that or any other locations mentioned are.)
Darren’s SMS: Anywhere in particular? Or there’s a cool place on Warren St.
In my head: I know there is, but Continue reading

Game Of Tits

Posted in Random stuff about sex, Sexual politics with tags , , on August 10, 2017 by Accidental Masturbator

We watched the last episode of a TV box set. Another series is on its way in the next year, but for now out go-to weekend evening entertainment had ended.
Her: We could give Game Of Thrones a go?
In my head: Really? Are you not aware of its reputation?
As we are probably about the only people in the Western hemisphere not to have gorged ourselves on GoT, and knowing my Wife as you do, Loyal Reader, you are doubtless thinking Continue reading

As if to prove my point …

Posted in Random stuff about sex, Sex toys with tags , , , , on July 30, 2017 by Accidental Masturbator

… and just a couple of days after I declined the offer to publicise to my entire social media contacts list the fact that I need to buy XXL condoms, this appears in one of my feeds … Continue reading

Thanks for sharing

Posted in Random stuff about sex with tags , , , on July 24, 2017 by Accidental Masturbator

There seems to be an increasing tendency with shopping online for retailers to ask customers to do their advertising for them. Click on this link to share your purchase on Twitter really translates, let us have access to your address book and use all your friends’ news feeds to advertise our products.

I’m a big fan of online privacy, so I won’t do it.

Especially when it comes to buying things like sex toys online. Seriously? Who does that?
I just spent £387.96 on latex underwear, handcuffs, anal lube and a speculum from
It’s not something I really want colleagues, business contacts, family and friends seeing when they look at my Facebook page. Even if it does get me a 10% discount the next time I buy a butt plug.

And yet I can’t say I’m not tempted, just a little, when asked to Continue reading

Feeling hard … done by.

Posted in Random stuff about sex with tags , , , on July 19, 2017 by Accidental Masturbator

We’re having some building work done soon and the structural engineers have asked for a couple of test pits to be dug for foundations. (Bear with me, Impatient Perverts, I’ll get to the sex bit in a minute. But you need the back story first!)

Professionally speaking it’s a long time since I was much more than a desk jockey, or something equitable, and it’s some 20yrs since I was regularly required to do manual labour. I’m not in bad shape foe my age, far from it, but I’m not as strong as I look. So after 3hrs of digging …

She walked into the garden with a cup if tea for me just as I was packing away the spade and mattock.
Her: How are you doing?
Me: Feeling tired, sweaty and incredibly manly.
If I’m honest, it was a pre-prepared line and intended to be ambiguously provocative.
She smiled.
Her: What can I say?!
Apparently not much more. But hey …!

As I showered, even without unnecessary washing, my cock rose to at least a 8pm. It seemed my sidekick felt equally manly.
Then downstairs for a cup of tea and …

I don’t usually like bananas. I find them slightly nauseating. But I know they’re good after exercise, and as I’ll be acting as laborer on the building project, I need all the protein I can get in the meantime. Hell! Ive even joined the gym in preparation.

I peeled back the bananas skin. It’s exposed tip stared back at me. It reminded me of the occasions, many years ago, when Geri would tie me to the bed, fuck herself with a vibrator, and them demand I lick and suck her juices off before she’d lick and suck me off. That was so long ago, I genuinely couldn’t remember how much of her plastic phallus she required me to take in my mouth. I’ve never stared down the barrel of my own cock, but despite the significant curve, the banana looked to have something approaching a similar girth to my erection.

I took a swig if tea, dropped my jaw, and wrapped my lips the fruit. Having to take something that thick took a more concerted effort than I remember from the last time I had to felate a dildo. Maybe the banana was thicker?

I moved my head forward as far as felt natural.
I considered the job in … err … hand? … I realised I was nowhere near gagging, so inserted a little more.
I could feel the fruit was getting towards my throat, and wanted to make this a realistic test, not one that tested my ability to deep throat. So I stopped, wrapped my fingers around the shaft where my lips met it, and withdrew it.
A ruler was not to hand, but it looked like a satisfyibg 4″ had been sucked.
I opened my mouth again and reinstated the banana.
Yes, that was comfortable, and although I suspected my jaw would ache fairly quickly if I had to fuck mymouth with it for long, I was not unhappy knowing I could fellate a heathy proportion of the banana.

And then I felt hard done by.

When my Wife has blown me, She only takes my helmet in Her mouth. An inch or so. It wouldn’t surprise me if my mouth is bigger than Hers, but not by a factor of 4!

Maybe, in the subconscious of my dreams, I already knew this.


Posted in Random stuff about sex, Sexual politics with tags , , on July 11, 2017 by Accidental Masturbator

I deplore click-bate. The way it lurks in your peripheral vision as you surf websites. Obviously on porn sites it’s there to get viewers clicking on premium downloads that will empty their wallets faster than they can empty their balls, but even on Not-NSFW sites it’s there at the side or bottom of your screen, appealing to your baser curiosity.

Most of the time I manage to resist. There’s more free porn than even I could ever jerk off over so I don’t need to pay for that, and the idea that some F-list celeb might have

Continue reading

Not their story

Posted in Random stuff about sex with tags on July 5, 2017 by Accidental Masturbator

I’m sure you must have seen this kicking around on the internet at some point, but I saw it again recently and it reminded me of you, Dear Reader … and the

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